24 Hour Party People (2002)

2013-08-13

Knowing me Steve Coogan, knowing you Madchester... Aha. — Knowing me Steve Coogan, knowing you Madchester… Aha.

Twitter Plot Summary: The history of Factory Records, Tony Wilson and the bands who began their careers there.

Genre: Biography/Comedy/Drama

Director: Michael Winterbottom

Key Cast: Steve Coogan, Lennie James, John Thomson, Shirley Henderson, Paddy Considine, John Simm, Andy Serkis, Ralph Little, Peter Kay, Rob Brydon, Simon Pegg, Keith Allen.

Five Point Summary:

1. This is one instance where breaking the fourth wall is acceptable.
2. I think that’s Christopher Eccleston… yep, it is.
3. Spot the northern actor or comedian. You’ll be here all day.
4. The Hacienda closes with a promise of looting and destruction. Nice.
5. Coogan went a bit Partridge for a moment there…

Whilst I’m on a bit of a Steve Coogan run with the release of Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa, I’ve recently sat down to watch 24 Hour Party People for the first time. The focus of the story is Steve Coogan as Tony Wilson, who sets up a record label with friends and starts signing a number of bands who would go on to mega stardom (New Order and the Happy Mondays to name but two). As freely admitted throughout the film, the story we are presented with is a mixture of fact, legend and the screenwriter’s own input for dramatic purposes.

Director Michael Winterbottom opted to shoot the film in documentary style, using digital video to give it a retro feel, and including lots of handheld camerawork in that time honoured tradition of creating a bit of energy. Throw in a smattering of psychedelic graphics and you have a visual (and somewhat anarchic) representation of the music scene in Manchester from the punk era onwards.

There’s fun to be had spotting a number of northern actors and comedians in supporting roles. There’s also a long number of people who were directly involved in the music scene who crop up in cameo roles as well. It can knock you out of the story a little when you spot these famous faces, but seeing as characters frequently break the fourth wall and there’s already a subtext of anarchy to proceedings, it’s not long before you’re straight back into it. With this amount of talent in the film the acting’s spot on and full of gags. It might be a little too northern for some tastes, admittedly, but if you rate the film down for that then you’re completely missing the point.

Spot the famous face... oh. — Spot the famous face… oh.

I wouldn’t say there’s a huge amount of depth to proceedings, it feels like a surface-level interpretation of events without really delving too much into the reasons behind them. Wilson, via Steve Coogan, even describes himself within the film as a minor character in his own story, clearly defining that this is all about the music and the scene rather than the people who experienced it. With that said, the Hacienda (Factory Records’ nightclub) is a character in itself, a physical manifestation of all that was good and all that was bad about the scene.

As a celebration of music, it’s very good. Other than a couple of the bands featured, specifically New Order, I’m not a big fan of the “Madchester” scene, although I appreciate the music on the whole and the contribution those artists made to the UK music scene. It also helps that it’s an entertaining bit of cinema, if not a 100% true adaptation of actual events. Whimsical interludes including flying saucers and God talking to Tony Wilson go some way to pointing out that it’s not entirely based in reality. Or, you know, it could just be the drugs they were all taking. That would explain it. In any case, it’s a Coogan/Winterbottom collaboration and thus it is worth your time.

Favourite scene: Andy Serkis puts the drummer up on the roof and leaves him playing. Everybody goes home.

Quote: “You were right about Mick Hucknall. His music’s rubbish and he’s a ginger.”

Silly Moment: Any moment where Coogan breaks the fourth wall.

Score: 4/5

The Lone Ranger (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-08-12

Tonto was oblivious to the party going on behind him.

Twitter Plot Summary: The Lone Ranger and Tonto join forces to stop some guy from putting a railroad through Comanche territory.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Western

Director: Gore Verbinski

Key Cast: Johnny Depp, Armie Hammer, William Fichtner, Tom Wilkinson, Ruth Wilson, Helena Bonham Carter, James Badge Dale, Barry Pepper,

Five Point Summary:

1. An early introduction to every variation of facial hair known to man.
2. Some mumbo jumbo about spirits…
3. Wearing a tiny mask does not make your face unrecognisable. When will they learn?
4. Mine cart madness.
5. William Tell overture. Hit it.

Going into the film I was aware that a number of the mainstream reviews had been quite negative towards it. I’m not sure of the reasons behind this, maybe it’s a reaction against Jerry Bruckheimer and his “CRASH BANG WALLOP!” style of movie making. Maybe it’s fatigue at Johnny Depp joining up with Gore Verbinski for yet another film, in which case why aren’t they as vocal about him teaming up with Tim Burton so often? I’m at a loss to explain it, because having sat through the 2.5 hour running time I didn’t think it was that bad at all. The story moves along at a good pace, the characters get plenty of development and the effects and locations look rather spiffing. It’s not a dull 2.5 hours either. If you’re going to make a long film then you have to keep it entertaining and keep the energy up, otherwise your audience will lose interest. Not so here, thankfully.

The plot is quite a simple one – a big train company wants to run their line through Comanche territory in order to connect the East and West coasts of the United States, and they’re making it look like the Comanches have broken an agreement to stay on their side of the border. This of course makes the white man appear morally right when opting to wipe them out. Depth is added through the disparity between the “Wild West” and the onset of the new civilised world that is lurking on the horizon. It’s a tale of brothers, a tale of old meets new, a tale of Johnny Depp being a deadpan Native American with a dead bird on his head.

Hammer and Depp are excellent in their respective roles as John Reid/The Lone Ranger and Tonto. They disagree on many fronts until finally reaching a mutual understanding, and both characters have a solid story arc. Tonto in particular is much more fleshed out compared to the original serialised version of the character, thanks in part to modern storytelling techniques and also because it makes him someone you actually care about. His story is very much about the naivety of the Native Americans when they first encountered the white man, and is yet another example of the “old meets new” theme.

Any second now... any second... — Any second now… any second…

Whilst we have gained a much stronger character in Tonto, there’s a distinct lack of strong female characters. Ruth Wilson is the brother’s wife who’s always getting into trouble, and Helena Bonham Carter’s brothel owner is there just to show off an ivory leg and push The Lone Ranger and Tonto onwards in their quest to find Cavendish. It seems a waste of Bonham Carter’s talents in not giving her more to do, as the role could have certainly added to the adventure romp vibe.

William Fichtner is merely okay as bad guy Butch Cavendish rather than spectacular, which was something of a disappointment. He’s a reliable presence for sure, and the character is a rather nasty guy with a penchant for cutting out the body parts of his victims. With a few tweaks he could have been far more sinister, but because Fichtner is a talented guy he doesn’t lower himself down to cringeworthy caricature. A little push towards the Lee Van Cleef area of Western villainy would have sealed it.

The biggest gripe is the framing device – the story really does not need an elderly Tonto recounting his tale to a young boy in the 1930s. A straight story set in 1869 would have been far more appropriate. The CGI rabbits also don’t tend to serve much purpose except act as an allegory for how nature/people can be vicious despite outward appearances. Other than that the CGI is either unobtrusive or used sparingly, which is a bonus. There’s a lot of location shooting (which look amazing, by the way), and a similar amount of practical effects that in this day and age is a brave decision to make. There is a significant amount of CGI, but doing practical stunts is often the best way of evoking realism, and in my eyes you can’t go wrong with that.

Whilst the framing device jars, it’s otherwise an entertaining spectacle that borrows the tone and the spirit of the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, so it’s got that fun element of silliness as opposed to teeth-grindingly bad silliness. I’d be hesitant to mention it in the same context as the three sequels as that would show The Lone Ranger in a more negative light, and I certainly wouldn’t want to do that.

Favourite scene: The final climactic scuffle across two trains. Big dumb fun.

Quote: “Horse says you are a spirit walker. A man who’s been to the other side and returned. A man who cannot be killed in battle.”

Silly Moment: A horse standing in a tree. Go figure.

Score: 3.5/5

Alan Partridge: Alpha Papa (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-08-11

"He's got a shooter!" — “He’s got a shooter!”

Twitter Plot Summary: When older DJ Pat Farrell is given the boot by new station owners, Alan Partridge inadvertently becomes the lead negotiator when Pat takes them hostage.

Genre: Comedy

Director: Declan Lowney

Key Cast: Steve Coogan, Colm Meaney, Sean Pertwee, Anna Maxwell Martin, Felicity Montagu, Simon Greenall, Monica Dolan, Nigel Lindsay, Phil Cornwell, Tim Key, Darren Boyd.

Five Point Summary:

1. Alan miming in the car. Brilliant.
2. Yeah, Lynn’s back! I wonder if she’s still earning £9,500 as Alan’s PA?
3. Colm Meaney looks like he’s been in Partridge land for years. Good.
4. Michael’s lunch box. A gag that will never grow old.
5. A blast from the past gets a tour around Norwich.

I’ve been an Alan Partridge fan since I caught episode 5 of I’m Alan Partridge on TV in 1997, the episode where Alan meets “super fan” Jed Maxwell and, having discovered that Jed spent 14 hours having a tattoo of Alan’s face etched onto his chest, makes his getaway across a big field. Since then I’ve been a devotee of not just anything Alan Partridge related, but just about everything Steve Coogan has ever done. Mostly because every other performance seems to have echoes of Alan Partridge about them, I think.

There’s a proper story to see us through the ensuing 90 minutes. Alan (Coogan) is still working for North Norfolk Digital (last seen in Mid Morning Matters) alongside Sidekick Simon. The station is in the process of being taken over by a new faceless conglomerate of executives and morphed into Shape – “the way you want it to be”. When stalwart DJ Pat Farrell (Meaney) is sacked, with some background assistance from Alan of course, he snaps and returns to the building with a shotgun and holds the station hostage. Thinking that Alan has always been in his corner, Pat states that he will only negotiate with Alan. And so, in what is likely the culmination of years of wish fulfillment, Alan gets to work with the police and at the same time attempt to raise his national profile to Knowing Me, Knowing You era levels, and possibly beyond. This is aided by Pat insisting he and Alan broadcast live throughout the siege, which Alan throws himself into with egotistical abandon (“Enjoy me Lynn, everyone else is!”).

As nods to Alan’s past it was nice to see Dave Clifton get so much screen time as he waxes lyrical about his years of substance abuse and subsequent depression. Sidekick Simon gets a significant amount of screen time as one of the hostages. If you’ve seen the trailer then you’ll know he has a rather interesting look forced upon him, for reasons that will become clear when you watch the film.

I love the approach taken regarding the gags – there’s some subtle ones (take a look at the reflection in Alan’s spectacles when he’s talking about the reintroduction of ospreys to the United Kingdom), then there’s the full-on Alan-isms (such as comparing a touching burial at sea to that of Bin Laden). Then there’s some surprising toilet humour that works its way in. It does fit with the tone of the film, but would have perhaps fallen flat on its face had it turned up in one of the more concise TV episodes.

Michael's lunch box. You don't want to know what's in it. — Michael’s lunch box. You don’t want to know what’s in it.

The soundtrack is classic Alan, ranging from an excellent in-car singing session to Roachford’s Cuddly Toy, to the likes of Fleetwood Mac and The Police cropping up on North Norfolk Digital’s radio playlist. The CD soundtrack even has some “classic” Partridge tunes thrown in for good measure (how does Shirley Bassey’s Goldfinger and Hot Chocolate’s It Started With A Kiss work for you?), so it comes highly recommended even if it’s missing Willie Nelson’s You Were Always On My Mind, which is integral to the film. Shame that, but we’re subject to that many crazy licensing issues these days it’s an unfortunate reality of modern media.

There’s a surprising amount of heart to the film as well, specifically from Alan and Pat. In Alan’s case it’s his love-hate-hate relationship with tireless PA Lynn (Montagu), which was always a highlight of the TV series. There’s something bubbling under the surface there between them, but with an unspoken acceptance that it will never proceed beyond what they have. Alan does have a little arc of his own, but to go into any detail might constitute spoilers. Rest assured that he doesn’t become a completely different person by the closing credits, he’s still “our” Alan. On the other side is Pat and his sadness regarding the death of his wife some years previously. It doesn’t step too deeply into the maudlin side of things – this is an Alan Partridge story, after all – but despite us having never met Pat before he’s a fully rounded character with a touching history that explains to some extent why he reacts the way he does. And it’s just not because he’s Irish.

I would have absolutely loved to give the film a full 5/5, however it falls short of the hallowed perfect score for a few reasons. Whilst it’s an incredibly funny film which I’m sure will only get funnier after repeat viewings, the laughs are more generously paced than you get in an episode of I’m Alan Partridge or Mid Morning Matters. This is a shame because there’s always scope for more laughs, be they foreground, background or somewhere in the middle distance. There’s also a few instances where the story loses some of its impetus briefly, and old Partridge stalwart Michael is rather underused – perhaps for the better given how limited his character actually is. An extra scene where he and Alan discuss something completely banal would have at least improved things on this front.

Whilst it doesn’t hit the heights of Partridge’s TV outings, it’s still a thoroughly good film and doesn’t suffer from the usual “TV to big screen” conversion issues that are frequently experienced. There’s plenty of scope for Alan to proceed from here, let’s just hope Coogan et al don’t rush into it. Given how infrequent new Partridge material is, I think we’re in safe hands.

Favourite scene: Alan’s daydream involving the three Jason’s. I will say no more and let you experience it for yourself. Hilarious.

Quote: “A lot of people think it looks like a photograph of an explosion.”

Silly Moment: *Minor spoiler* Alan falls out of a window and loses his trousers.

Score: 4/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRNhoxPgwqY

Mary Poppins (1964)

Simon Prior

2013-08-10

"Don't tell anyone, but I think Mary Poppins has soiled herself." — “Don’t tell anyone, but I think Mary Poppins has soiled herself.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Mary Poppins drops in from her cloud to teach a couple of kids (and their parents) some chuffing manners.

Genre: Comedy/Family/Fantasy/Musical

Director: Robert Stevenson

Key Cast: Julie Andrews, Dick Van Dyke, David Tomlinson, Glynis Johns, Karen Dotrice, Matthew Garber, Ed Wynn.

Five Point Summary:

1. Even after all this time… what’s with Dick Van Dyke’s accent?
2. That bottomless bag – every woman should have one.
3. Hah, an Irish fox.
4. I laugh a lot (no, seriously, I do), and I’ve never floated up in the air. Lies I tell you!
5. Chimney sweeps! Fahsans of em!

I’ve always had a problem with child actors. With very few exceptions every time children appear in films I want to punch them in the face. Even when they’re not actually that bad, as turns out here. I’m not sure what spawns these violent thoughts in me, but they exist all the same. Thankfully I’ve no desire to actually act this out, as I don’t really wish to hit children in real life, and I would also get into a bit of trouble for it. I’m not a violent man, honest.

Adapted from the books by PL Travers, Mary Poppins sees a pair of unhappy children write a letter asking for a new nanny to look after them, one who isn’t as mean or strict as the ones they’ve had previously. As it happens, and to give you some context, their mother is obsessed with the suffragette movement and their father is obsessed with his work at the bank, so they’re essentially forgotten about in their own home. After Mr Banks tears up the letter and throws it into the fireplace, the pieces float up the chimney and Mary Poppins decides to step in and take the job. She proceeds to astound the children with a bottomless bag which has, for me at least, passed into the popular lexicon in reference to the seemingly bottomless handbags that many women tend to have use of these days, except Mary Poppins can actually find the thing she’s looking for. Poppins sets about teaching the children and their parents about communicating with each other and all that jazz across a number of conveniently placed situations with accompanying musical numbers.

"See that slug there? He taught me how to speak with a proper cockernee accent. True story." — “See that slug there? He taught me how to speak with a proper cockernee accent. True story.”

The songs are excellent and timeless. There’s something gleeful about meandering between them, each song having its own distinct sound and making its own mark on the film. Unlike many musical features, they don’t dominate proceedings, there’s plenty of your standard dialogue between them. Not only does the film have an exceptional number of fun songs, it also combines animation and live action in a way that, in this reviewer’s eyes, wouldn’t be beaten until Who Framed Roger Rabbit shuffled in through the door. Disney went on to repeat and master the formula in other films, Bedknobs and Broomsticks in particular (also starring David Tomlinson as it happens).

I won’t dwell on Dick Van Dyke’s terrible cockney accent (and on that subject, check this website out – http://modvda.blogspot.co.uk), suffice to say we all know it’s bad and it’s not clear what accent he’s actually doing. I am happy to ignore this in light of how fantastic the rest of the movie is. Even so, whilst not annoying folks it has become a meme in itself and has been referenced in popular culture multiple times in the ensuing years. Whilst the accent isn’t anywhere near perfect, at the very least Dick Van Dyke is excellent as Bert and thoroughly entertaining to boot. Equally, Julie Andrews is perfect as Mary Poppins, just the right side of strict and of course has a fantastic singing voice.

It does get a little flabby towards the end, in particular when Mary Poppins takes a day off and the kids go with their Dad to the bank. Yes, it does set up the end of the film, tying in nicely to the opening scenes, and yes it does give us another musical number with some mucky chimney sweeps, but in all honesty this could have been set up earlier in the story and subsequently trimmed for a much leaner and child friendly running time. In any case, Mary Poppins remains a classic of cinema, perfect for young and old alike. Ideal for a Sunday afternoon or if, like me, you really have nothing better to do with your time than watch a lot of films. There are a lot of clunkers out there, Mary Poppins isn’t one of them.

Favourite scene: Where Mary, Bert and the children jump into one of Bert’s chalk drawings and have a mini adventure in an animated world. The best part is, it’s not even odd to see live action against an animated background.

Quote: “As I expected. “Mary Poppins, practically perfect in every way.””

Silly Moment: Any time Dick Van Dyke speaks. That’s your lot.

Score: 4.5/5

Hard Boiled (1992)

Simon Prior

2013-08-09

To say he’d overdone it a little in the cocaine factory would be a massive understatement.

Twitter Plot Summary: A tough cop joins forces with an undercover agent to take down a mob gangster. With lots of guns.

Genre: Action/Crime/Drama/Thriller

Director: John Woo

Key Cast: Yun-Fat Chow, Tony Leung Chiu Wai, Teresa Mo, Philip Chan, Philip Kwok, Anthony Wong Chau-Sang,

Five Point Summary:

1. What’s with the doves, man? WHAT’S WITH THE DOVES?!
2. Is that bad guy actually Asian? I can’t tell.
3. That’s an epic use of timpani.
4. Apparently even if you get shot, you just keep going. Like a Duracell battery.
5. Save the babies, lest they die in a pyre of flame!

The opening is a sign of things to come – the action kicks off immediately and doesn’t relent until the closing credits. It’s an epic gunfight in a tea house. People are shot. Things blow up. More people get shot. People look cool by doing acrobatics whilst firing guns. There’s slow motion. There’s more violence. There’s more cool stuff. And then there’s even more. Moving from set-piece to set-piece, we follow the hard boiled cop of the title, Inspector “Tequila” Yuen as he teams up with undercover cop Tony to take down Johnny Wong, the big sinister kingpin. He’s so sinister and evil he even shoots people in cold blood and threatens babies. Handbags at the ready!

The soundtrack is rife with Commando-style jingly-janglyness, not quite at the same level as James Horner’s steel drums, but not far off. Throw in a bit of sultry sax and you’ve got a soundtrack that’s so entrenched in 80s cheese it works anyway. There’s also an epic use of cymbals throughout, almost to a laughable degree. You could easily turn it into a drinking game, especially if you also take a shot every time somebody’s er… shot. The problem with this idea though is you’d be absolutely smashed after 15 minutes, so perhaps the Hard Boiled drinking game is best left to hardier souls, like Geordies.

"Squeal for me, piggie." — “Squeal for me, piggie.”

There’s the occasional smattering of English when characters get angry or emotional, both adding to the weight of their words, and simultaneously making it incredibly funny. I’m of the opinion that this might have been a deliberate move by Woo, used to both punctuate the character’s opinions and also, on occasion, to act as comic relief from the ridiculous amount of violence that takes place throughout the 2 hour run time. It’s even more disconcerting when you stop paying attention to the screen for a second, then someone says something in English – cue puzzlement.

The final third is a cavalcade of violence, gunplay and explosions. And it is fantastic. It doesn’t matter that the rest of the film, and the film stock itself, look like it was made for £3.50, nor does it matter that they HAVE to save the babies despite being shot at by a ridiculous number of bad guys. No, what matters is people fly about the place, firing off their weapons left, right and centre, and lots of people being killed indiscriminately. The practical effects are something to be marveled at, cool and stylish. You also never suffer from “Bay-ness”, whereby you have no idea what’s going on. Woo knows his stuff when choreographing an action scene, oh yes.

John Woo, who I’m sure you’re well aware of, switched to the Hollywood system after this film and made the likes of Broken Arrow, Face/Off and Mission Impossible 2 (other John Woo films are available), but it will always be his pre-Hollywood phase that draws the keen cinema auteur’s eye, and I for one will be seeking out some of his earlier films. I’ll also give Strangehold a go, the video game sequel, even if the gameplay isn’t supposed to be that brilliant.

Hard Boiled was Woo’s attempt at showing the police in a more positive light after his earlier films seemed to glorify violence and the gangster lifestyle. Some of the actions taken by our characters could be deemed questionable, but there is an honourable centre to it. And that, in essence, is what the core of this film is all about – honour, redemption, all that jazz. Some characters kill indiscriminately – the aforementioned big bad Johnny Wong – others such as classic henchman Mad Dog have a code of honour but he’s still a nasty son of a gun.

As Woo’s last big hurrah before joining the Western big leagues, it’s fantastic stuff, and certainly holds its own against more recent action/thriller fare, and is arguably much better than Woo’s own films post-Hollywood relocation.

Favourite scene: Sliding down a bannister firing your guns at bad guys is effortlessly cool.

Quote: “Give a guy a gun, he thinks he’s Superman. Give him two and he thinks he’s God.”

Silly Moment: Gunfire whilst protecting a baby. It gets blood in its face, and Yun-Fat Chow raps at it.

Score: 4/5

Inspector Gadget 2 (2003)

Simon Prior

2013-08-08

About as good as it gets... — About as good as it gets…

Twitter Plot Summary: Gadget’s back (with a new face) and is about to be replaced by G2, a new lady robocop. Claw escapes from prison – hilarity ensues!

Genre: Action/Comedy/Fantasy/Sci-Fi

Director: Alex Zamm

Key Cast: French Stewart, Tony Martin, Elaine Hendrix, Caitlin Wachs, Mark Mitchell, Bruce Spence,

Five Point Summary:

1. The Gadgetmobile is… purple?
2. G2. Clever name. Not.
3. That CGI really is terrible. I know it’s based on a cartoon, but really?
4. Hey look – obvious stunt double!
5. “I’ll get you next time, Gadget! HYAHAHAHAHAH!”

So we all know that the first film was really bad, and any sequel would either need to seriously up its game or linger in a similar level of film purgatory. Sadly they’ve gone in the wrong direction, with more terrible miscasting, a silly plot and a ridiculously over-saturated colour palette. If you thought the first film was bad, why not cut the budget to 1/6th of the original ($75 million for Gadget 1, just $12 million for the second) and try making a coherent film? Yeah, fuhgeddaboudit.

In their defence they have at least tried to adhere closer to the style and tone of the cartoon, but it doesn’t work. If anything it makes the first film look like a bonafide classic by comparison. Plus points: The Claw sounds a bit more like his cartoon self, the minions (not those yellow ones) complain about being minions, and Penny is the one doing the serious legwork whilst Gadget bumbles his way through the plot. That’s it for the list of positives. Honestly, I think I’ve had bowel movements which have been more enjoyable.

And what a plot we have for this turgid piece of cinema! Gadget is replaced by the latest model, the imaginatively named G2, who’s a woman, by the way. Obvious plot point lies ahead with that one… As G2 tries to stop the Claw, who’s escaped from prison after the events of the first film and morphed from the svelte figure of Rupert Everett to the slightly more bountiful frame of Tony Martin – clearly prison food ain’t good for you – Gadget tries to help but his numerous programming glitches cause all sorts of hassle.

Too... much... PURPLE. — Too… much… PURPLE.

I’m honestly not sure what the thinking was, but French Stewart as Inspector Gadget? That’s an even more ludicrous choice than hiring Matthew Broderick. He’s not bad, but only if you liked him as Harry in Third Rock From The Sun. Which thankfully I did, otherwise I’d have tried destroying the DVD at the horror of experiencing this film. Except I streamed it on Netflix, so the point is moot. The rest of the cast are unknowns and they’re merely okay, nothing stellar.

The Gadgetmobile has had a radical and totally unnecessary paint job. Rather than the sleek ECTO-1 white of the first film, it’s now a garish and unnecessary purple. It’s still voiced by DL Hughley, which ties it into the same continuity as the original film. Not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing. That brings us to the CGI. It’s just as bad, if not worse than the first, and that was hardly stellar stuff.

If you have kids, fine. Plonk them down in front of this and they’ll likely be mesmerised by the pretty colours and the occasional silly slapstick. Just be wary that, if you leave them to watch the film and return 90 torturous minutes later, they may have resorted to eating your aromatherapy candles in a desperate bid to make the pain end.

Favourite scene: Gadget jumping out of a moving vehicle and face-planting a stop sign.

Cliche Alert: A slow motion leap away from an exploding vehicle.

Quote: “Now I need you to keep a sharp eye out, Gadgetmobile, if you see anything suspicious let me know.”  “You mean like a Trekkie with a girlfriend?!”

Silly Moment: Seeing all of the CGI gold. *sigh*

Score: 1/5

Inspector Gadget (1999)

Simon Prior

2013-08-07

Twitter Plot Summary: After an accident puts John Brown in hospital, he’s transformed into a robocop. A family friendly one.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Comedy/Family/Sci-Fi

Director: David Kellogg

Key Cast: Matthew Broderick, Michelle Trachtenberg, Rupert Everett, Rene Auberjonois, Andy Dick, Joely Fisher.

Five Point Summary:

1. Yay, the classic Gadget theme song!
2. I think Yahoo paid for some advertising space.
3. Is everything in this universe doused in primary colours?
4. Oh my, that CGI is bad.
5. Good Gadget VS Evil Gadget? No idea how that’s going to turn out. /sarcasm

Hands up if you can name five decent (and heavy emphasis on the word decent) adaptations of old cartoons? For the sake of argument, I don’t think there have been any. Yep, a number have made a huge amount of money, but that doesn’t mean they’re any good. And so, in what’s no doubt a hugely cynical cash-in on an established cartoon franchise, we received Inspector Gadget in 1999, at the peak of the boom in CGI-laden kid’s films.

It’s cut at far too frenetic a pace for a coherent narrative to be formed. At a lean 78 minute running time it does capture the frantic spirit of the cartoon, but it falls into the classic trap that the majority of family films end up in. That is, not worry so much about the story, just do enough to keep the kids happy and, more importantly, keep them quiet for a couple of hours. Except this is only 78 minutes long, so you’ll need to have something else queued up if you need a 2 hour window without the kids hassling you.

I have to call FUBAR on the casting choices. Matthew Broderick as Gadget? Really? He strikes me as an odd pick for the lead. And Rubert Everett as the Claw? As a kid-friendly villain yes of course, he’s fantastic, but as Inspector Gadget’s nefarious nemesis? No, not even close. Even worse is that they fly in the face of tradition and show the Claw’s face. As soon as you realise this guy is the Claw, it’s all horribly downhill from there. Mike Hagerty’s minion is the best character in the film, none more so than during the end credits where he speaks to the Minion Recovery Group. He does have a strange haircut though, I almost didn’t recognise him as that “pink slip” chap in the diner in Wayne’s World.

The colour palette used in the production is excessively bright – even the wires in Gadget’s surgery are an array of bright greens and purples. The CGI is deliciously ropey, it’s like live action mixed with a particularly bad cartoon. There’s also an obligatory talking car that is one dial down from talking in stereotypical street slang. At least it looks a bit like the one from the cartoon, even if it does come across as an overly animated version of ECTO-1.

As for the story, it’s typical kids fare – once we get through Gadget’s origin story (10 minutes tops), he is sent out into the world to prevent crime, but bungles his way through most of it. Then the nefarious Claw, having stolen elements of the Gadget tech from scientist Rene Oberjonois, builds an evil version of Gadget who starts wreaking havoc across the city. If you get stuck working out which one is which – evil Gadget has big false teeth, you can’t miss him. he’s also acting delightfully evil.

Slapstick humour and the odd amusing quip in the script does however make up for the numerous pitfalls, but it only goes so far as to save it from being an absolutely clunker. More time taken with the story, a less ridiculous colour palette, and recasting both Gadget and the Claw would have made a huge difference.

Favourite scene: Minion Recovery Group. Richard Kiel, Mr T, some guy who’s supposed to be Oddjob, and a few more besides.

Quote:

“Scolex: I deserve a dashing appellation.”
“Kramer: A dashing appellation. What is that? A hillbilly with a tuxedo?”

Silly Moment: Go-Go Gadget Testicle-gripping arm!

Score: 2/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5IWHxiwYMg

Hawk The Slayer (1980)

Simon Prior

2013-08-06

Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin' alive! — Ah, ah, ah, ah, stayin’ alive!

Twitter Plot Summary: Hawk seeks revenge against his brother, Voltan, for killing their father. For some reason Voltan also kidnaps a Nun.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy

Director: Terry Marcel

Key Cast: Jack Palance, John Terry, Bernard Bresslaw, Ray Charleson, Peter O’Farrell, Patricia Quinn, Annette Crosbie

Five Point Summary:

1. Dry ice makes anything look fantastic, it seems.
2. Jack Palance is dialled up to 11.
3. The soundtrack sounds like outtakes from Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds.
4. It looks like the film cost about £3.50 to make…
5. Bernard Bresslaw as a giant? Sweet!

I understand that many people hold Hawk The Slayer in high regard. I can see the cult appeal of it, certainly, but I’ve never been the biggest fans of fantasy films, particularly those with a budget that must have been, at best, tens of pounds. I bet most of that was spent on the dry ice machine that seems prevalent in every scene. Much like science fiction tales, there never seems to be a middle ground when it comes to fantasy – either they’ve clearly spent a lot of money on it, or they haven’t. In this case, they clearly haven’t.

All the usual stereotypes are here – there’s the warrior hero, the dwarf, the giant and the elf. 99% of the film is shot in the woods, where a gratuitous amount of dry ice is used to both create atmosphere and distract you from the fact that they couldn’t afford any proper sets or, most likely, a location scout. The biggest budget effect, other than the dry ice machine, is a big bonfire. The rest of it is trees. Lots of trees. And dry ice. It’s clear that the writer (and also, director, as it happens) Terry Marcel envisaged a vast fantasy epic with revenge and adventure at is core, but his vision is outstripped by the realities of film making. No doubt he considered it an excellent film when he threw it together, but it really isn’t. Even when compared against contemporary fantasy it’s a poor cousin to the likes of Flash Gordon, released the same year, or Time Bandits and Clash of the Titans released the year after.

Hawk's Magical Colourful Rings. Don't laugh. — Hawk’s Magical Colourful Rings. Don’t laugh.

So let’s break it down into its constituent parts. The script is atrocious, rolling out every fantasy cliche in the book. The dialogue is equally as bad, falling so far on the wrong side of cheesy it’s opened it’s own dairy factory. The soundtrack as well is hideously silly, full of whistling panpipe motifs and zinging keyboards. It’s essentially a much cheaper and less impressive version of Jeff Wayne’s War of the Worlds.

Jack Palance’s performance is dialed all the way up to 11, which is appropriate for a film in this genre. Everybody else is surprisingly restrained, but that might be in response to Palance’s OTT demeanor. Either that or they’re not very good actors. John Terry (no, not that one) as Hawk only seems to have one emotional setting – vaguely disinterested. With regards to Palance, his character Voltan is clearly a misogynist, scarred by the rejection of Hawk’s bride to be and making him even more delightfully evil. Case in point – he kidnaps an Abbess at a nearby… abbey… and keeps her in a cage. When she offers to tend the wounds on his face, he snarls at her, saying “woman” with as much venom and derogatory intent he can.

The biggest surprise is Bernard Bresslaw. Best known for his appearances in the Carry On movies, he’s actually rather good in his role as the giant, even if he’s not that much taller in reality than the guy playing a dwarf. Go figure. Just when you think it can’t get any sillier, the final, climactic fight between Hawk and Voltan takes place in slow motion. All of it. Probably because in real time it’s about three seconds of film. Marcel again was probably convinced of his own excellence in the director’s chair. Rather tellingly, the rest of his directorial credits are mostly limited to such amazing televisual treats as The Bill, Heartbeat and Bergerac. No huge loss to the world of fantasy cinema there then.

This is another of those films where they were clearly angling for a sequel, but that didn’t happen. In some ways that’s a relief, because inevitably it would potentially have tarnished people’s love of this film, which maybe in hindsight would have been a good thing. The sheer amount of cheese warrants including this on a list of guilty pleasures and at a stretch as a cult classic (and calling it a classic really is a stretch), but if you consider Hawk The Slayer to be a pinnacle of the fantasy genre then there’s clearly something wrong with you. Enjoyably bad.

Favourite scene: Uniting the team to hunt Voltan. It’s almost a montage. Almost.

Quote: “I am no messenger. But I will give you a message. The message of DEATH!”

Silly Moment: The flashback to Hawk’s youth and we see not only a supposedly younger Voltan (who apparently hasn’t aged in years) but the entire flashback sequence limited to three square foot of land next to a river.

Score: 2/5

Tobruk (1967)

Simon Prior

2013-08-05

"Did you just pass wind, Herr Hudson?" — “Did you just pass wind, Herr Hudson?”
“No, but I’m concerned about this tiny man hovering above my shoulder.”

Twitter Plot Summary: A special unit of Brits rescue a Canadian POW, so he can help lead an attack on a fuel depot in Tobruk.

Genre: War/Drama

Director: Arthur Hiller

Key Cast: Rock Hudson, George Peppard, Nigel Green, Guy Stockwell, Leo Gordon, Norman Rossington, Percy Herbert.

Five Point Summary:

1. George Peppard makes his entrance like it’s an episode of the A-Team.
2. Put your chap away, old chap.
3. Day for night – it wouldn’t be a 60s war film without a day for night sequence!
4. So a Brit, a German and a Canadian go into the desert…
5. Explosions! Drama! Excitement! MEN ON FIRE!

It’s a suicide mission. Led by a Canadian. Kind of. It’s bound to fail, isn’t it? Well, kind of. It wouldn’t be much of a war film if the Allies lost now, would it? Oh, but then there’s A Bridge Too Far… I’ll shut up.

Tobruk opens with a daring raid by a group of commandos, who break into an Algerian prison to rescue one man – Major Donald Craig (Hudson), a topographer who really knows how to topograph. For the layman, that means he’s very good at providing detailed descriptions of place and regions. He’s then informed by a half-naked Colonel Harker (he’s just had a shower out in the open, go figure) that he will be assisting in a raid on Tobruk, the German’s fuel storage base in North Africa. If the plan works then the German war effort in the region will be crippled or at the very least severely impeded.

There would be enough conflict if it was just the Allies trying to destroy the Nazi base, but part of their forces are a group of Jewish Germans who have switched sides. As you might expect, there’s no love lost between either side and, whilst they are fighting for a common cause, there is still a hefty amount of distrust between the Brits and the Germans. The desert is also a dangerous place, as the convoy comes under attack from all quarters on a regular basis, and also encounters an English father and daughter who have defected to the German side. Throw a spy into the mix (and it’s very obvious who it is, if you think about it), and you have a relatively complex story that unfolds at the right pace.

"By Jove! He's one of 'them'!" — “By Jove! He’s one of ‘them’!”

There’s some good humour, intended or otherwise, just from the very British accents alone. Nigel Green’s Colonel Harker is about as stereotypically British as you can get, from his stiff upper lip to the impressive moustache that sits atop it. There’s also comic relief from a couple of English/Irish soldiers in the party, played by Norman Rossington and Percy Herbert. Their presence isn’t necessary, but they do act as an occasional pressure release on what could have been a taut war time thriller rather than the somewhat more slack war time thriller that we have received.

The problem I always have with the majority of “A to B” stories is that most of the film is spent on the journey to their ultimate destination and the finale ends up being lacklustre. By comparison something like Where Eagles Dare spends the majority of its time with our plucky crew weaving their way through a German-occupied mountain town, so it has a bit more to it than the desert. But then, Tobruk moves along at quite a decent pace for a 60s film, and the story never fails to keep you engaged. The only problem is the tagline which essentially gives away the ending of the film – “83 men started the mission! Only 4 survived!” Whilst that is a spoiler to some extent, you’re better off watching to find out which four make it out. You will probably be surprised. Probably. Maybe. Potentially. Maybe not. By the time you reach the inevitably explosive finale it won’t matter anyway, the journey itself is more than enough.

Favourite scene: The British fighter attacking the convoy. Very nicely done.

Quote: “Heil Hitler!” (Throws stick grenade into bunker).

Silly Moment: Anything involving the comic relief characters. They’re surplus.

Score: 3.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nUL6d73mVt4

Red 2 (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-08-04

Is that a stick of dynamite in your pocket? And if not... ew, gross! — Is that a stick of dynamite in your pocket? And if not… ew, gross!

Twitter Plot Summary: Frank is thrust back into the spy lifestyle when he’s implicated in a plot to set off a portable nuclear weapon.

Genre: Action/Comedy/Crime/Thriller

Director: Dean Parisot

Key Cast: Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker, Helen Mirren, Anthony Hopkins, Byung-hun Lee, Catherine Zeta Jones, Neal McDonough, David Thewlis, Brian Cox.

Five Point Summary:

1. Marvin. Funniest movie character in a long time.
2. Bruce Willis seems to be enjoying himself – a far cry from Die Hard 5!
3. Now that’s a big gun. And a stick of dynamite. And France.
4. Mirren + guns = awesome.
5. Yay, a JJ Abrams-style MacGuffin!

Frank (Willis) and Sarah (Parker) are living the domestic life now that Frank has been able to leave his hectic spy life behind him. He’s desperate to protect her whilst she’s desperate to live the action-packed lifestyle. As they shop in Costco Wholesale they’re accosted by Marvin (Malkovich) who asks Frank to help him resolve a problem, whereby they have both been implicated as conspirators during the Cold War to smuggle a nuclear weapon into Moscow. Frank is initially reluctant but is soon drawn into the thick of it, attempting to avoid both Neal McDonough’s government agent and contract killer Han Cho Bai (Lee) who has been hired to kill Frank and his companions.
As you can guess from the blatant signage for Costco, there is a lot of product placement – I wasn’t even aware that Papa John’s pizza were available in Russia. It’s ironic given that they’re readily available in the Birmingham area of the UK yet have hit an invisible wall that prevents them going any further south than Solihull. Just saying.

Of course, the main reason many people enjoyed Red was because it had a number of older actors messing about in an action film. You know, a bit like The Expendables. There’s plenty of that here, with returning actors Bruce Willis, John Malkovich, Mary-Louise Parker and Helen Mirren (and, to a smaller extent, Brian Cox) joined by Anthony Hopkins, Byung-hun Lee, David Thewlis and Catherine Zeta Jones, who doesn’t seem to be able to pick an accent and stick with it. She’s supposed to be Russian, yet she keeps slipping between American and English between sentences. I know she’s spent a few years over in the States now, but isn’t acting supposed to be all about mastering accents and inhabiting the character? Very confusing.

Malkovich is still the best thing about this franchise, his nutty, paranoid Marvin (so-designed because the government laced him with LSD for 10 years) serves a very strong purpose yet has opportunity to just be completely insane. Compared to his performance in A Good Day To Die Hard, Bruce Willis actually looks like he’s enjoying himself here. Frank’s likeable, has depth and is an indication as to what John McClane should be like nowadays, rather than the shadow of his former self that he has become.

Mirren is similarly excellent as MI6 agent Victoria. She’s excellent in pretty much every role she takes, and to see her as a blase killer who dishes out relationship advice on the telephone whilst dissolving bodies in an acid bath is a juxtaposition that is both funny and scarily possible. Byung-hun Lee is also excellent as the man tasked with hunting down and killing Frank. He’s skilled in martial arts and gets to wield a very big gun. Epic win. Of the remaining cast, Hopkins is delightfully nutty, and Thewlis gets a good couple of scenes as wine loving nasty man The Frog. Brian Cox slips in to offer some support, and whilst very good he isn’t given much to work with.

Many action films live or die on the basis of their action sequences, and Red 2 delivers on all fronts. Not only can you see everything that’s going on, but the combination of direction and choreography balance out nicely. The script is also nicely zingy and full of humour, to the point where the age of the core cast doesn’t even factor into it. The best way to sum up Red 2 is as I stated on my Facebook page immediately after my cinema viewing – it’s vacuous but thoroughly entertaining. It’s certainly not high cinema and it’s not going to be winning any awards, but it’s fun and sometimes that’s all that matters.

Favourite scene: Mirren and Lee causing havoc on the roads and looking effortlessly cool whilst doing so.

Quote:

Marvin: “If there’s one thing I know, it’s women and covert operations.”
Frank: “Marvin, that’s two things.”
Han Cho Bai: “No, grasshopper. It is not.”

Silly Moment: Helen Mirren pretending to be the Queen so she can get locked up in a mental institute. It still works and it’s a knowing nod to her previous work, but silly nonetheless.

Score: 3.5/5

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