Only God Forgives (2013)

2013-08-03

"I'm gonna biff you on the nose, chum." — “I’m gonna biff you on the nose, chum.”

Twitter Plot Summary: A smuggler in Bangkok is tasked by his mother with finding and killing those responsible for his brother’s death.

Genre: Crime/Drama/Thriller

Director: Nicolas Winding Refn

Key Cast: Ryan Gosling, Kristin Scott Thomas, Vithaya Pansringarm, Gordon Brown, Yayaying Rhatha Phongam, Tom Burke.

Five Point Summary:

1. Billy is a really nasty guy. I hope he gets his comeuppance.
2. Billy got his comeuppance.
3. “Wanna fight?” This will end one of two ways…
4. Seriously, where does this guy keep his sword? It just appears out of nowhere.
5. Karaoke? I don’t follow.

After Drive, all the signs seemed to indicate that the next film by Nicolas Winding Refn was going to be spectacular. Drive oozed style and directorial flourish and padded out a novella to feature length, admittedly via an extensive use of slow motion. Only God Forgives takes all of that and bundles it into a Thai revenge thriller, as Julian (Gosling), a drug smuggler living in Bangkok, is tasked by his mother to track down and kill the people responsible for the death of his brother (Burke).

Heavy on religious allegory (Change is the Angel of Vengeance) and Greek mythology, it’s a bit of an odd one, it has to be said. The long, dreamlike sequences that were common throughout Drive are also used here, yet here it feels like you’re supposed to be drawing something from the subtext from every lingering, feels-like-it’s-in-slow-motion shot. It’s languorous, make no mistake, which is both a blessing and a curse. There’s very little plot stretched over 90 minutes. When combined with the slow, deliberate pacing it ends up making the film feel much longer than it actually is.

If the film has anything going in its favour, is how amazingly stylish it looks. Bathed in heavy shades of red for the majority of the story, it comes as quite a shock when we get the odd glimpse of normal daylight. Refn uses the trick of juxtaposing characters in two different locations and making it seem as though they’re in the same room, linking their thoughts and actions thematically if not through direct interaction. On the other hand are the surreal moments where slack-armed, sword-wielding cop Chang does karaoke in front of an audience of uniformed police officers. Chang is an interesting villain, if he is indeed a villain. He spends most of his time staring into the middle distance, his arms slack at his sides like Captain Picard in Star Trek TNG. On one occasion he runs down a street, in another he has a fight with Ryan Gosling. He’s also a canny karaoke singer and seemingly keeps his sword tucked away in the same N-space that Optimus Prime’s trailer disappears to in the Transformers cartoon.

He spends most of the film like this, either with or without a sword.

Gosling, despite being the face of the film, has very little to do. After his extensive albeit brooding performance in Drive, most of the story is driven by Chang and Crystal (Scott Thomas), Julian and Billy’s mother. Scott Thomas gives the best performance in the film, a glacial, pernicious and vengeful presence decked out in bleached-blonde hair and heavy make-up. She is a thoroughly vile person, Jeremy Kyle would have a field day with her on his show. At the same time she’s also very much a love-to-hate character, although given the lack of any tangible personality from any other character we meet it’s damning with faint praise.

The violence, in my eyes, wasn’t as extreme as expected. Yes, it’s thoroughly unpleasant, but Refn could have gone much further with it if he wanted to. There’s one particularly nasty torture scene that could have you wincing, but most of that is hinted violence rather than a physical demonstration. This is arguably worse than seeing it in full glory. More concerning is the attitudes of the speaking characters. Billy is incredibly unlikeable as he threatens women and declares that he wants to sleep with a 14 year old girl. When this is not available to him he turns violent.

Julian is violent along similar lines, however he appears to have a moral centre guiding him, for the most part. He will only inflict pain on those who are deserving of it. Essentially if you’re a child or a woman he’ll leave you alone. It’s clear that both Julian and Billy have a lot of issues, particularly based on how Crystal acts around Julian and how she talks of Billy. The Oedipus myth is front and centre in this tale, although I doubt Oedipus would have run a Thai kickboxing gym.

It took some mulling, but on reflection it’s not a bad film at all. Bonkers, yes, and a somewhat unexpected turn after Refn’s previous film, but it’s engaging if not incredibly deep. It’s doubtful that many will be able to stick with it to the end, much like Spring Breakers earlier this year, it has already had a similar polarising effect on audiences. Add it to the Marmite category, you’ll either love it or hate it. For those who appreciate allegory and symbolism over plot, then there is plenty here for you.

Favourite scene: Julian VS Chang in a fist fight.

Quote: “It’s a little more complicated than that, mother.”
“Meaning what, exactly?”
“Billy raped and killed a sixteen year old girl.”
“I’m sure he had his reasons.”

Silly Moment: *Spoilers* Some guys are sent to take out Chang as he eats in a diner. They shoot everybody EXCEPT for the police. Go figure.

Score: 4/5

The Wolverine (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-08-02

Twitter Plot Summary: Wolverine gets all mopey because he killed Jean Grey in X-Men The Last Stand. He’s tracked down by an old

Genre: Action/Adventure/Fantasy/Sci-Fi

Director: James Mangold

Key Cast: Hugh Jackman, Tao Okamoto, Rila Fukushima, Svetlana Khodchenkova, Will Yun Lee, Famke Janssen.

Five Point Summary:

1. Wolverine as big beardy man.
2. Yukio’s face is a reaaaalllly strange shape. That’s really weird.
3. Wolverine swears. Quite a bit, actually.
4. He’s got a big red hot sword! That’s also not a euphemism.
5. So… she’s Poison Ivy, right?

Let’s face it, nobody expected much after the abomination that was X-Men Origins: Wolverine. It dropped the proverbial ball so badly it was debatable whether or not any further X-Men films or spin-offs would see the light of day. The long-fermenting Magneto origins film was put on ice following the poor reception to Origins: Wolverine, but then the best elements of his backstory were incorporated into X-Men First Class, so it’s all swings and roundabouts.
As if making reparations for past sins, the script this time round doesn’t clog the narrative with a ridiculous number of mutants. We’re limited to three (or four, if you want to be pedantic) including Wolverine, and other than the obligatory “HOW DO WE KILL THIS MAN?!” stuff, the mutant powers element is mostly underplayed. Wolverine gets a hefty introduction to Japanese culture which makes this quite a unique undertaking in the X-Men movie-verse. Of course, those of us who have read Marvel comics in the past know full well that Wolverine has a long and coloured history with Japan, and I for one wouldn’t mind seeing more of it.

As the story goes, Wolverine is brooding after the events of X3: The Last Stand – that one with Vinnie Jones, if you recall. If you can remember anything at all about that movie (most prefer to avoid it), Wolvie was given the job of bumping off Phoenix, aka Jean Grey, because she’d gone off the rails a little and started killing innocents. Sorry – spoilers! So Mr Wolverine takes himself off the grid and starts living in the woods like an adamantium-laced Bear Grylls. He’s soon picked up by Yukio, a red-haired Japanese girl with a strangely shaped face, and offers to take him to Japan to say goodbye to an old friend. Soon he’s involved in a plot to bump off Mariko, granddaughter to Yashida, the man Wolverine saved at Nagasaki. The story interweaves the present with flashbacks to 1945 and the dropping of the atomic bomb on Nagasaki. This links in nicely when Wolverine returns to Nagasaki in the modern day and it’s a serene place of beauty. There’s got to be subtext there for time healing all wounds. If anyone says there isn’t, then I’m saying there is.

And ladies – rest assured, Mr Jackman spends a good portion of the film showing off his muscles. Given the amount of effort that must have taken to get into that kind of shape, I’ll avoid any snide comments about pandering to a certain portion of the viewing audience, I’m above that. Oh, and unlike Origins, Wolverine’s claws actually look decent this time.

It’s an entertaining, brooding and thoughtful film for the first two thirds, let down by a slightly silly if obvious finale. Compared to the rest of the film it feels very much like a return to the silliness of Origins: Wolverine. However, it’s nowhere near as bad as that first Wolverine film, and is a marked improvement over X3: The Last Stand as well, but the tonal mismatch throughout the film’s running time is a shame. It’s a petty thing to be complaining about I suppose, at least this was an improvement. Now let’s just hope a third Wolverine film gets the go ahead and they finally get it spot on. And stay for the mid-credits sequence, it’s worthy of a geeky little “squee”.

Favourite scene: Wolverine VS Ninjas. And the look on Harada’s face when he sees Wolvie healing…

Quote: “A lot of people have tried to kill me… and I’m still here.”

Silly Moment: That Viper woman peeling off her skin and hair. Or the giant adamantium samurai.

Score: 3.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rh1LdTFkm7I

Cockneys VS Zombies (2012)

Simon Prior

2013-08-01

Ray doesn't like zombies. Tarts. — Ray doesn’t like zombies. Tarts.

Twitter Plot Summary: Zombies get what’s coming to them when they take on London’s East End. Muppets!

Genre: Comedy/Horror

Director: Matthias Hoene

Key Cast: Rasmus Hardiker, Harry Treadaway, Michelle Ryan, Georgia King, Tony Gardner, Alan Ford, Honor Blackman, Richard Briers, Dudley Sutton, Ashley Thomas, Jack Doolan.

Five Point Summary:

1. That guy was in Saxondale! Brap Brap!
2. It’s Brick Top! I mean… Ray!
3. Run, Richard Briers! Run!
4. Classic – a red London bus.
5. And just to cap it all off – a boat on the Thames. And guns.

Just when you think the zombie genre couldn’t be boiled down any further, along comes the ultimate mash-up: cockneys and zombies. Yes, a zombie outbreak takes place in London and we see two groups of survivors trying to make it out alive. The first group include Terry (Hardiker) and Andy (Treadaway) – brothers – their cousin Katy (Ryan), and friends Davey (Doolan) and Mental Mickey (Thomas), who just happens to have a metal plate in his head after being injured in Iraw. They attempt to rob a bank because their grandad’s care home is due to be knocked down by greeeeedy developers, led by Phil Cornwell of all people.

Meanwhile nearby that very same care home, the developers find an old graveyard and unleash a zombie plague on the populace. Within that care home are a group of familiar faces, Honor Blackman, Richard Briers, Alan Ford, that chap who was in Lovejoy, but not playing themselves obviously. Alan Ford is Brick Top again (of Snatch fame), let’s not beat around the bush here, that’s who he’s playing, albeit slightly older and possibly more sweary. Possibly. Whilst the oldies barricade themselves inside their care home, Terry and Andy’s bank robbery goes slightly wrong and, after the police block the exits, they take two bank customers as hostages. Luckily for our intrepidly bad bank robbers zombies come along and take out the coppers, so they escape to their safe house and debate what to do next. A much needed element of strife is present in the form of Mental Mickey, so called because they cut out part of his brain when they put the metal plate in his skull, which subsequently made him go a little bit loopy.

I was in Eastenders once... — I was in Eastenders once…

Cue just about every cockney-related pun and stereotype you can imagine, from east-end gangsters sporting an impressive amount of guns, to London landmarks, to the hatred that exists between rival football teams, and to an overly-elaborate explanation as to why the living dead are referred to as “Trafalgars”. The zombies themselves are the slow, shuffling types, so for a change in this modern era of fitness-obsessed living dead they only really pose a threat when encountered in greater numbers. Ignoring the cockney element of the story, and that 50% of the cast are over the age of 60, it’s a basic traditional zombie tale. Which is fine, by the way – we don’t always need overly-elaborate origin stories or films that try desperately to do something drastically different to what’s come before. The only thing we need to know here is that there are zombies and all of our characters are from London. The gags and the story pretty much write themselves from that point forward.

Suffice to say it’s fun but vacuous. Nothing much really happens and there isn’t a huge amount of gore, but there’s just enough of both to keep the plot moving and to keep gore hounds occasionally happy. There’s a lot of laughs to be had too, without them it would be a sorry affair indeed. It’s no classic, but then very few zombie films are. What it is though, is entertaining, and you can’t really ask for more than that.

Favourite scene: Richard Briers, plus Zimmer frame, is chased very slowly by a group of zombies.

Quote: “Those things are vampires! We need crucifixes, garlic, silver, holy water, and Christopher Lee!” “No, you sloppy tart, those things are fucking zombies!”

Silly Moment: Brick Top… sorry – Ray – gets swarmed by the living dead. Will he survive? Of course he will, he’s Brick Top! Sorry – Ray.

Score: 3/5

Super (2010)

Simon Prior

2013-07-31

Twitter Plot Summary: A man decides to become a (not very) super hero when his wife falls under the influence of a drug dealer.

Genre: Action/Comedy/Drama

Director: James Gunn

Key Cast: Rainn Wilson, Ellen Page, Liv Tyler, Kevin Bacon, Michael Rooker, Linda Cardellini, Nathan Fillion.

Five Point Summary:

1. Michael Rooker has hair. That’s odd. 
2. Frank has a screw loose. 
3. Ellen Page’s character has the most annoying laugh ever.  
4. Violent scenes of a graphic nature… 
5. Oh my. That was unexpected. Yet entirely plausible.

There are a number of times in the past when two similarly themed movies have been released either in the same year or in the same season – Deep Impact/Armageddon in 1998; White House Down/Olympus Has Fallen this year; Antz and A Bug’s Life also in 1998. Actually, 1998 looks like it was a busy year… anyway, in 2010 it was Kick-Ass and Super. Now, Kick-Ass I got to see at the cinema, however Super was forgotten in the shuffle somewhere. Thankfully they’re two completely different films about normal guys wearing a super suit, with this focusing more on our man Frank rather than the fact he wears a suit.

James Gunn is a writer who I appreciate because he can conjure up a coherent story and litter the script with both amusing and entertaining moments in equal measure. Super has him on writing and directorial duties, and his geekiness gets full release as he tells the tale of a man pushed to become a superhero in order to save his wife from the evils of drugs. Being a kind-of superhero movie it’s littered with comic book references, and pokes fun at them in a knowing nudge-nudge kind of way. Throw in a couple of satirical yet blatant attacks on Christian television and you know you’re in for a laugh. The price of admission is covered just to see Nathan Fillion dressed up as The Holy Avenger.

Turns out Frank has been plagued by visions his entire life (I know the feeling), and the mother of all these visions kicks in after he’s beaten up by Jacque’s goons. After suiting up as The Crimson Bolt, Frank sets out to clean up the streets of drug dealers, kiddie fiddlers, and er… people who cut in line when queuing. It’s almost obvious to point out that Frank has some sort of neurological condition that leads him to follow the superhero path, and the same could be said for Ellen Page’s Libby, who decides to join Frank in his quest. She’s just as twisted as Frank, although it doesn’t take a beating from a bunch of goons for her to go fruity, she just appears to have always been that way.

There’s some extreme violence that fits the darkly comic tone of the film, but it could have gone a lot further than it did. That’s with regards to the violence and the story itself, it feels very low key compared to some other big screen superhero movies. It’s more like A History of Violence in that respect, which is a backhanded compliment in a way – A History of Violence is adapted almost panel for panel from the original comic book. Super is an original story but it often feels like an overly faithful adaptation of some other source material.

Unfortunately for Super, on the basis of the evidence provided it’s Kick-Ass that wins this battle of the ‘normal people trying to be superheroes’ genre. That’s not to be intended as detrimental towards Super as it’s rather good indeed, but perhaps a little more satire would have swung it.

Favourite scene: “Shut up, crime.” The one at the end with Kevin Bacon.

Quote: “I kind of think happiness is over-rated. People spend their whole lives chasing it because it’s the most important thing in the world. Happy people are kind of arrogant.”

Silly Moment: Bopping someone in the head for cutting in line. Bit excessive.

Score: 3/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eL57ncw2jr8

Pom Poko (1994)

Simon Prior

2013-07-30

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of shape-changing raccoons fight to protect their home from being destroyed by humans.

Genre: Animation/Comedy/Drama/Fantasy

Director: Isao Takahata

Key Cast: Clancy Brown, Olivia D’Abo, John DiMaggio, Brian George, Maurice LaMarche, Tress MacNeille, JK Simmons

Five Point Summary:

1. As if shape changing raccoons wasn’t bad enough, you can also see their private parts… 
2. So… some of them can change shape, some can’t… I think I’m getting my head around it now. 
3. In human form, the raccoons often look tired. So very tired. 
4. Are they using their privates as giant bean bag things and attacking humans with them? Oh Grud, they are… 
5. Breaking the fourth wall should be banned!

To the layman, entering any Studio Ghibli film for the first time has the potential to confuse and bemuse. Take Pom Poko, for example. Hidden within the reality of our world, Pom Poko is the tale of tribes of shape-shifting raccoons who are rapidly losing territory due to ongoing human development and urbanisation. Not only do the raccoons have to stop their in-fighting and overcome their animal instincts, but they must also come up with a plan to prevent human expansion that doesn’t involve killing off all the humans – because humans know how to make tempura and raccoons are partial to a lot of human-produced food. All of this is based on old Japanese fairy tales, so suffice to say with all of this taken into account it’s not a film that will have as broad an appeal as My Neighbour Totoro or even Spirited Away, it’s far too Japanese-centric for most. If you’ve seen anything else by Studio Ghibli then please at least give it a try. Whilst most of the culture-specific references may be lost on you, there is still a very strong story for you to enjoy.

As is typical with Studio Ghibli there is a strong eco message at its core. Takahata is rallying against the expansion of humans and the destruction of the natural world. Whilst it is a family friendly film, it doesn’t shy away from showing death and highlighting the impact we have on the natural world. At one point a character even talks directly to the audience and advises us to be aware of our place in the world and to take more care of what we have. Not so much a subtle undertone but a full-on fish slap to the face. Monty Python style.

Yep, they're using their erm... parts... to float through the air. — Yep, they’re using their erm… parts… to float through the air.

So, with this message running throughout we get into the story, however what is slightly different to their usual output is the almost excessive use of a narrator to tell the tale. It’s possible that the narrative was already too dense for the majority of audiences, so if we didn’t have the narrator the film could easily have been twice as long. As it stands, most of the plot is explained via narration which in a way helps to focus on the characters and the struggles they are facing. I would have preferred them to adhere to the old “show don’t tell” maxim, but it’s a minor complaint when taking into consideration the other strengths the film demonstrates. The characters are mostly well drawn (ahh, animation puns!) although the English dub does again suffer from “anime voice” syndrome. Clancy Brown in particular is a big offender, which is a shame as he’s usually very good.

For imagery alone Pom Poko is an excellent addition to the Ghibli stable, covering everything from an anthropomorphic tribe of raccoons to the various traditional Japanese spirits they imitate. This is the closest Ghibli get to properly tripping out like the majority of Japanese animated features seem to do, but unlike the majority of those features in this instance it serves the story. It’s really fantastic stuff.

Favourite scene: The raccoons hit the local town with an array of spirit images. Two guys sit drinking at a bar discussing ghosts whilst all manner of weird stuff takes place behind them.

Quote: “I have no face!”

Silly Moment: The fox in human form shaking an abacus at one of the raccoons. Sorry, what was going on there?

Score: 4/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZKVEUDqJ4mo

The Foot Fist Way (2006)

Simon Prior

2013-07-29

"I'm gonna smack you in the face kid, and there's nothing you can do about it." — “I’m gonna smack you in the face kid, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

Twitter Plot Summary: An unpleasant Tae Kwon Do instructor has to cope with marital issues. He also hits a kid.

Genre: Comedy

Director: Jody Hill

Key Cast: Danny McBride, Ben Best, Mary Jane Bostic, Collette Wolfe.

Five Point Summary:

1. Five minutes and already Danny McBride is thoroughly unlikeable. 
2. “I punched a kid.” 
3. Jody Hill: director and master of creep.
 4. Party! Violence! 
5. Obligatory third act showdown.

The Foot Fist Way (a literal translation into English of Tae Kwon Do) is from the same stable as the bigger budget Will Ferrell movies, a second tier film featuring actors from the extended Apatow family. Shot in documentary style (minus any talking heads moments), Danny McBride is Fred Simmons, a Tae Kwon Do instructor who has a vacuous wife and an unhealthy obsession with martial arts and his hero Chuck “The Truck” Wallace. There is almost nothing else to his existence beyond this, and if there is we’re never introduced to it. This for me is strike one against the story. Yes, this guy has an obsession with martial arts, but just the addition of a single scene to confirm that there is nothing else in his life would have helped and, you never know, may have actually helped stir up a bit of empathy for him.

McBride is very good at playing unpleasant characters, and this appears to be the film where he started down that road. He rules his dojo with an iron fist, teaching his young students a lesson by giving them a beating and dishing out bad advice to anyone who will listen. His constant monotone helps ground the character in some sort of reality, but is there really any possibility of someone like this being in a position of responsibility? Leaving a nine year old in charge, for example. There are probably laws about doing that. That gag in itself is actually quite funny, but it’s underplayed to the point of almost being worthless. You’ve written a funny joke there guys, embrace it!

"...I can't believe that kid beat me." — “…I can’t believe that kid beat me.”

Whilst knowing that director Jody Hill actually is a black belt in Tae Kwon Do, all of the main characters portray the martial art in a really negative light. Simmons is a really nasty guy; Chuck “The Truck” Wallace is washed up and an equally nasty guy but from a different angle; and Jody Hill’s Mike McAlister has an impenetrable stare and an apparent penchant for inappropriate relations with children. Ironically it’s one of the minor characters who gets the best story arc, and that is Henry. He progresses from the bullied to master of his life in the space of four or five very brief scenes. For everybody else there is little development, even Simmons avoids any real character development by the story’s end.

The jokes are also hit and miss, so that adds to the feeling of inconsistency. A little bit more of Simmons or, indeed, some of his students, outside of the dojo would have helped matters. Failing that, a few more completely inappropriate jokes would have gone down a storm, such as when Simmons is interviewing prospective dojo members. Instead all of the comedy comes via the three script writers. A little less ego-stroking and a little more for the lesser characters to do would have upped the rating considerably. Something along the lines of how Dodgeball was put together would have been appropriate. As it is, the core concept and performances are solid but a few tweaks here and there would elevate it to Will Ferrell territory.

Favourite scene: The party in Chuck “The Truck” Wallace’s’ hotel suite and student Henry takes offence at the guitarist’s attitude.

Quote: “If you were in prison, you’d be raped because you exude feminine qualities.”

Silly Moment: Simmons teaching a young student a lesson by beating him up.

Score: 2.5/5

Super Mario Bros (1993)

Simon Prior

2013-07-28

Sorry, we're in "what" film? — Sorry, we’re in “what” film?

Twitter Plot Summary: Mario and Luigi make the leap from video games to the big screen, and everybody wishes they hadn’t.

Genre: Adventure/Comedy/Family/Fantasy/Sci-Fi

Director: Annabel Jankel, Rocky Morton

Key Cast: Bob Hoskins, John Leguizamo, Dennis Hopper, Samantha Mathis, Fisher Stevens, Richard Edson, Fiona Shaw.

Five Point Summary:

1. Mario and Luigi as present day plumbers? Gah, this is going to suck.
2. So Koopa is Dennis Hopper? Srsly?
3. This whole parallel universe thing is rubbish.
4. Dancing Goombas. No. Just no.
5. Nice use of a Bob-Omb, but other than that… ugh.

It’s a terrible adaptation of the Mario games, make no mistake. Characters share names with their video game counterparts, and Mario and Luigi wear appropriately coloured overalls, but other than that it’s nothing like the video games that spawned it. Mario (Hoskins) and Luigi (Leguizamo) are plumbers in modern day Brooklyn. They’re called to a job where they discover a wormhole to another world in the sewers of New York (stay with me). There they discover a world where the dinosaurs didn’t die out and, rather conveniently, most of them have now evolved into humanoid form. There they meet the tyrannical King Koopa (Hopper) who plans on moving his small, dinosaur kingdom back over to our plane of existence and rule the world. Usual egomaniacal tendencies there, then. It’s then down to Mario and Luigi to stop Koopa and also save Princess Daisy (Mathis) who is the daughter of the true king of Dinohattan. Oh, that king has also been de-evolved into a type of fungus that now covers most of the city. Got all of that? It’s hard work, I know.

There isn’t a huge amount of characterisation to the two Mario brothers within the games other than Mario is determined to save the Princess (Daisy or Toadstool, he never seems too fussed) and Luigi is, thanks to Luigi’s Mansion, a little jittery and scared of things, specifically ghosts. Naturally the movie had to get around this somehow, so Mario is the world weary type whereas Luigi is hopeful and optimistic, which ties into the whole “evil corporations” spiel that filters through the movie. In our world it’s a rival plumbing company with more money and resources but no morals. In the alternate universe it’s King Koopa. Koopa is obviously the big bad in Dinohattan, ruling everyone with an iron fist and controlling the lives of everybody in his dominion – just one look at the dystopian world he has helped create is enough to make his intentions clear.

Dennis Hopper. If Gene Simmons were a dinosaur. Which he might be.

You know that whole thing about Mario being able to jump, like, really high and stuff in the games? You wouldn’t expect your typical modern day plumber to be able to do this, would you? Well the writers thought of this little problem too and gave Mario and Luigi some funky boots that elevate them into the air. I can barely contain my excitement. That whole Mushroom kingdom stuff as well? Pretty much eradicated in favour of generic science fiction plot number 6, the parallel/alternate universe concept. There are some good moments throughout such as the interaction between Koopa’s dimwitted cousins and to be perfectly fair the story itself isn’t that bad really. Seeing the brothers both suit up after spending the best part of the movie in their civilian attire is as near as you get to a fist pumping moment, and there are a few half decent action sequences, the car chase in particular, but they’re not situations Mario and Luigi should be involved in.

If you’re going to watch any film where Dennis Hopper and John Leguizamo share screen time, you’re better off watching Land of the Dead. Give this one a miss if you’re a fan of the Mario video games as you’ll be horribly disappointed. For anyone who doesn’t play video games, it’s a standard kid-friendly fantasy adventure designed to sell toys, so it’s debatable if you’ll get much from it either. It suffers because the Mario universe and its characters have been superimposed onto a standard science fiction/fantasy story, and is about as far away from the original game as it can be without being a unique film in its own right. Bob Hoskins has gone on record to state it as the worst film he ever worked on. Yep, very much so, but it has a certain cult appeal that justifies a viewing now and again.

Favourite scene: Mario uses a Bob-Omb to take down Koopa.

Quote: “Remember, trust the fungus.”

Silly Moment: Making the Goombas dance in the lift.

Score: 2/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtMZKYnLg5c

Clue (1985)

Simon Prior

2013-07-27

As the service had been sub-par, the guests took matters into their own hands.

Twitter Plot Summary: The board game comes to life as a group of very funny people try and work out who killed Mr Boddy.

Genre: Comedy/Crime/Mystery/Thriller

Director: Jonathan Lynn

Key Cast: Eileen Brennan, Tim Curry, Madeline Kahn, Christopher Lloyd, Michael McKean, Martin Mull, Lesley Ann Warren, Colleen Camp, Lee Ving.

Five Point Summary:

1. Tim Curry = this will be awesome.
2. That dog poo gag is very, very funny.
3. The mansion is a character in itself. Most creepy.
4. So they split up into pairs to search the house? Sounds dubious to me.
5. Three endings? My brain hurts.

Try and name a film adapted from a board game that’s any good. Apart from Battleship. Can you think of any? Dungeons and Dragons (all three of them) are rather poor, and whilst there have been a number optioned by big name producers (Ridley Scott’s Monopoly is apparently festering somewhere in development hell), very few have actually made it all the way to the big screen.

On paper, Clue shouldn’t really work. Known as Cluedo in the UK (and probably everywhere else outside the United States), the film is set in the 1950s at the height of the Communist witch hunts. Six guests (Colonel Mustard, Mrs Peacock, Mrs White, Professor Plum, Miss Scarlet and Mr Green) are all called to an imposing mansion in the middle of nowhere at the behest of Mr Boddy. For various reasons he’s blackmailing all of them and, after they’re all moved into the drawing room and discover their reason for being there, the lights go out, weapons are used/discharged and the lights come back up to reveal that Mr Boddy has been murdered. What follows is an intricate murder mystery as they try to figure out who the killer is whilst all being suspicious of each other. It’s a pressure boiler that, with these particular characters, is a gift that keeps on giving. Each exchange serves a purpose, be it to push the story forward, explore a character’s history, or to just tell a joke. When you have the likes of Michael McKean, Madeline Kahn and Tim Curry on board, the funnies are never far behind.

Subsequently, the interplay between each of the characters is exceptional, and each of them by necessity of them all being blackmail victims, has a full backstory to explain why they are there and what they have to gain from bumping off their blackmailer. The script also deserves mention, not only for being consistently funny, not only for conjuring a genuine sense of mystery, and not only for giving each character a motive to bump off certain characters, but for tying it all up nicely in not one but three different endings. When the film was first released in cinemas in 1985 you would have seen one of those three endings. It wasn’t until the later video and DVD releases that all three would be available, one after the other. The DVD had the added bonus of picking an ending at random, emulating the cinema release. Each of the weapons from the board game also finds use throughout the film, with additional characters introduced just to be bumped off, yet these characters are also inextricably linked to our core six characters for reasons that will become apparent as you watch it.

Clue deserves mention for breaking the preconception that adaptations of board games/toy lines are bad, and the fact this happened in 1985 deserves plaudits. IMDB states that this was the first adaptation of a board game to make it to the big screen, which implies that movie makers completely missed the point with subsequent adaptations of other properties. Forget about them, just watch Clue and revel in the fun.

Favourite scene: Wadsworth welcoming each of the guests to the mansion. Does its job with the minimum of exposition.

Quote: “Why has the car stopped?” “It’s frightened!”

Silly Moment: When the obviously named Mr Boddy is bumped off. Bet you didn’t see that coming.

Score: 4/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWMv3LCfozI

The Shadow (1994)

Simon Prior

2013-07-26

Twitter Plot Summary: The Shadow has to stop a descendant of Genghis Khan from conquering the world.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Crime/Fantasy/Mystery/Thriller

Director: Russell Mulcahy

Key Cast: Alec Baldwin, Peter Boyle, Ian McKellen, Tim Curry, James Hong, Penelope Ann Miller.

Five Point Summary:

1. A knife with a face, now that’s new. 
2. The Shadow’s fake nose is amusing. 
3. Khan knows what a gun is? Well he can read minds. I’ll allow it. 
4. Khan steals a few tricks from Thunderbird’s The Hood. Twice.
 5. There’s a lot of cackling, don’t get me wrong though, I like it.

Looking a lot like Robinson Crusoe, albeit one washed up in the tongs of China rather than on a deserted island, Alec Baldwin is Lamont Cranston, a rather unpleasant chap who is reformed by a wizened man child. Yet another pulp idol brought to life on the cinema screen, The Shadow is a crime fighting vigilante with psychic powers, who’s adventures were churned out by Walter Gibson during the Depression era. As is often the case with these pulp idols, The Shadow’s exploits were never high fiction – Gibson is reputed to have written over 1.5 million words a year at his peak, amongst which are almost 300 Shadow novels – and this is borne out within the story chosen for this movie. A descendant of Genghis Khan wants to set off an atomic bomb and conquer the world. Can you get more pulp sci-fi than that?

In what is clearly a budgetary and superfluous narrative decision, Cranston’s training takes place in a text crawl. Yeah, clever storytelling that. Once that’s out of the way we’re right into the story as Cranston starts tormenting the gangsters of New York City as The Shadow whilst maintaining his public personas as a stereotypical playboy billionaire. As storytelling methods go it’s not a particularly good one. Whilst the plot itself moves along at an even pace and doesn’t miss out anything of importance, it also doesn’t allow much time for the characters to develop. Even Cranston has little backstory. He’s a tortured soul and was once a nasty guy, but that’s about the length of it. In its favour, other than the opening text crawl we’re not at the hands of Captain Exposition, so if your biggest fear is characters telling you their story rather than showing it, you can sleep easy.

It’s established early on that not those who are appropriately tuned can influence those with weaker minds (described as the ability to”cloud their minds”), and we get examples of both good and bad uses of the trick. You know, just in case you weren’t sure which of the characters is the good guy and which is the bad guy. This trick falls apart when Cranston meets Margo Lane (Penelope Ann Miller) who fulfils the role of obligatory love interest. Her mind is resistant to the clouding techniques used by Khan and The Shadow, and even has the ability to read minds. Yet in spite of this, she also gets no real opportunity to develop the character and arguably is on par with Peter Boyle’s cab driver in terms of characterisation.

Baldwin camps it up something rotten as The Shadow, toning it down significantly when playing his alter ego Lamont Cranston. He’s like an even blander version of Bruce Wayne. The tone shifts all over the place, not quite being the slightly camp bundle of fun it had the potential to be, nor is it a serious comic book movie along the lines of Nolan’s Batman films. By playing things a little too close to the serious end of the spectrum, it uncomfortably bridges the gap between the 1980 Flash Gordon movie and Christopher Nolan’s Batman films. As you might imagine, that juxtaposition doesn’t really work, but a film about The Shadow using modern “serious” comic book movies as a template would be very, very good if done correctly.

Ian McKellen and Tim Curry, as a scientist and his crazy assistant, share screen time and whilst brief it’s rather good indeed, even if they are both sporting some terrible American accents. Tim Curry in particular seems to switch between accents after every other word. Neither has much to do either, which is a disappointment. John Lone as Khan matches Baldwin for levels of camp excess, but as a villain he’s really quite bad. I don’t mean that in a “he’s a nasty piece of work” way either, other than his OTT persona he’s otherwise a really bland character.

Russell Mulcahy has always had an interesting style to his direction – lots of swooping cameras and split focus that keep things moving along. Despite the odd directorial flourish, stylistically the film suffers from the same issues that plague the majority of 90s fantasy/sci-fi flicks in that the CGI and green screen stuff looks a little iffy by today’s standards. Thankfully this is balanced by some rather tasty set design and the 1930s setting really comes to life. Alongside Dark City and Dick Tracy released a few years either side of this, the Art Deco stylings are the core focus, elevating an average film to a slightly better than average film. I also enjoyed my regular game of “spot the actor” from other, bigger projects, although I haven’t mentioned this game in any reviews to date (except Commando) – I’ll do something about that. Ethan Phillips, the chap who played Neelix in Star Trek Voyager, shows up as a security guard – ironically this film’s equivalent to a red shirt. He gets a couple of lines of dialogue and then he’s outta there. Rule number one: never leave a security guard alone with a big and mysterious silver coffin. Box. Thing.

Whilst there was potential and on the whole it looks fantastic, The Shadow is a missed opportunity. It’s a shame, it could have easily become a new franchise and it’s a pity that the studio didn’t push ahead with a sequel. If you’re desperate for more Shadow though, go and get some of Gibson’s original source material, that should keep you going for a while.

Favourite scene: Alec Baldwin sticking his hand under his skin and into his face… and then ripping it off!

Quote: “The weed of crime bears bitter fruit.”

Silly Moment: A guy dressed in full Mongol battle attire walks down a street in New York and nobody bats an eyelid. Okay so there’s a Chinese market on, but even he stands out like a sore thumb.

Score: 3/5

Half Past Dead (2002)

Simon Prior

2013-07-25

Seagal in a bandanna. Trying to be hip. Nah.

Twitter Plot Summary: An ageing Steven Seagal tries to prove he’s still hip and cool by going undercover in prison and wearing a bandanna.

Genre: Action/Crime/Thriller

Director: Don Michael Paul

Key Cast: Steven Seagal, Morris Chestnut, Matt Battaglia, Nia Peeples, Ja Rule.

Five Point Summary:

1. “If you think you’re hard, I’m harder.” Erm… what?
2. Seagal, you’re old. The bandanna isn’t fooling anyone.
3. I think the makers of this film watched The Matrix before they started filming.
4. All of the sets look tiny. Big movie budget this ain’t.
5. Steven Seagal skydiving. Yes, they went there.

Yep, another Steven Seagal film. I may get round to writing about some decent films at some point, but SyFy are showing a lot of Seagal movies at the moment so I’m working my way through their offerings and laughing at how bad they are. Seagal’s fallen a long way since Under Siege, and let’s face it, Under Siege was hardly the pinnacle in cinematic entertainment.

So what’s actually going on then? Seagal is an undercover FBI agent who’s so cool he can lie his way through a polygraph and so badass he lets his best friend Nick fly out of a moving vehicle, at speed, without actually hurting him. After he takes a few bullets saving Nick’s life (in the first of many pointless gunfights), Seagal is transported to New Alcatraz prison and sets about trying to locate those responsible for the death of his wife. But then everything goes a bit Matrix-y and a team of trench coat wearing villains break in (yes, break IN) and start walking over the camera just because it looks cool or something. They’re trying to get a criminal mastermind, who is about to be sent to the electric chair, to reveal the whereabouts of millions of dollars in gold that he stole.

Is this Half Past Dead, The Matrix or Underworld?

Seagal does his usual spiel, he whispers his way through the entire movie and slappy slaps anybody who gets in his way. He does have a few moves still left in him, but the camera is far too close to the fights and all you see are flailing limbs. There are gunfights, explosions and people flying through the air in slow motion. Absolutely none of it makes any sense at all and the laws of physics are gleefully ignored. You’ll also note that, whenever somebody falls from a great height you won’t ever see them hit the ground. In my mind they always stop falling a few feet from the ground and just hover there. It’s also a rare occasion when somebody runs out of bullets. In fact this only happens when the script dictates it, the rest of the time it’s just a never-ending stream of bullets and things going boom.
Character backstory and exposition is inserted haphazardly into the script. Funky camera angles are the order of the day, and inappropriate attempts at humour are littered throughout. I expect this was in an effort to lighten up the film, just in case the mundane action sequences weren’t doing it for you. Unsurprisingly, it doesn’t work.

The soundtrack is exclusively hip-hop and scream-core. Nothing wrong with that of course, but in my experience that means the film is horribly cheap. And yes, it is. The action is limited to two main sets and lots of corridors. When the director feels the need to film all of the dialogue by using extreme close-ups on every actor, you know that he only has a limited number of sets and can’t risk the audience picking up on this.

I’ve jut discovered that they made a Half Past Dead 2 with Bill Goldberg in the lead role. Yeah, that guy who used to be a professional wrestler. If there’s any film that has the potential to be worse than Half Past Dead, is it’s own misjudged sequel. Watch this space.

Favourite scene: Seagal and the big bad fly around on chains, then rip off the “Do you feel lucky punk?” spiel. It’s entertaining yet terrible in equal measure.

Quote: “The rumour is you went half past dead and came back.”

Silly Moment: Seagal saving a security guard, who has been shot several times, by shocking him with his own electric prod.

Score: 1.5/5

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