Outpost (2007)

2013-10-29

"So... any idea who built this bunker?" — “So… any idea who built this bunker?”

Twitter Plot Summary: A mercenary team find a bunker in Eastern Europe where the Nazis once conducted secret experiments.

Genre: Action/Horror/Sci-Fi

Director: Steve Barker

Key Cast: Ray Stevenson, Julian Wadham, Richard Brake, Paul Blair, Brett Fancy, Enoch Frost, Julian Rivett, Michael Smiley, Johnny Meres

Five Point Summary:

1. A mission into a non-specified section of Eastern Europe? Yeah go on then.
2. Oh – a breather. Literally, there’s one still alive.
3. Was that additional pairs of feet on the other side of the table…?
4. Message sent and message received.
5. Ooh look, the machine is…never mind.

Ray Stevenson leads a mercenary team into war-torn Eastern Europe at the behest of well spoken English man Julian Wadham. The team, a veritable hotch-potch of nationalities and personalities, arrive at a bunker in the middle of a field where their radio dishes out a high pitched frequency, rendering it useless, and they come under fire from unknown assailants. Forced to seek refuge down in the bunker, the group discover that most chilling of things… a long lost edition of Top of the Pops. No, of course that’s not it – they actually find details of a secret Nazi experiment that resulted in the creation of Nazi zombies!

The script from Rae Brunton is in no rush to fling said zombies at us, rather it is content to slowly build up the tension and present a drip feed of information for the first 30-40 minutes. While we as an audience grow increasingly tense about the situation (at least, in theory), this is mirrored by the tensions building between the mercenaries and with the man who brought them there. The direction from Steve Barker helps ratchet up this tension slowly and deliberately until eventually we discover exactly what happened down in that bunker during World War 2. The zombies for once do not adhere to the zombie movie playbook – they are not interested in eating living flesh and/or brains, nor are they susceptible to a bullet to the head. They truly are an unstoppable, unnatural force to be reckoned with, which is a scary concept in itself. How do you stop an enemy that can’t be killed or destroyed by conventional methods? This is one aspect of the Nazi Zombie sub-genre that I’m a big fan of – by changing up the standard zombie rules you freshen things up and help the zombie genre as a whole move forward and not labour on past successes.

It had been the longest game of chess ever.

It builds to an inevitable conclusion, more Night of the Living Dead than Dawn of the Dead in its outcome. You can also probably guess that people are bumped off one by one – it’s almost inevitable with this kind of setup. Whilst there are a few inconsistencies or unexplained aspects regarding the full story, the action itself is well portrayed, in particular given that, when it happens, it all takes place in tight corridors. To sum it up, it’s cheap effects done well, and as we all know, zombie films live or die on their effects. There’s not a huge amount of gore, but what little there is is presented well.

Outpost stands to be blamed for creating the Nazi zombie sub-genre, which is both a good and a bad thing depending on your perspective. As is typical of zombie films as a whole, they’re divided between either pretty good or pretty bad – much like Marmite there is no middle ground. This applies just as equally to the Nazi zombie sub-genre, you’ll either have a good film or a bad one. Outpost is one of the good ones, an exercise in not showing your hand too early but not being deathly boring whilst building to the big reveal.

Favourite scene: The feet under the table. Almost too subtle.

Quote: “By early 1945, the party was over. The war was essentially lost and the German military machine was falling apart. All the files show that the SS sent in a unit to shut this place down. And as far as I can see, nobody walked out alive.”

Silly Moment: You mean Nazi zombies isn’t silly enough?

Score: 3.5/5

Kingpin (1996)

Simon Prior

2013-10-28

Twitter Plot Summary: A former pro bowler trains up a promising rookie. The problem? The rookie is Amish.

Genre: Comedy/Sport

Director: Bobby Farrelly and Peter Farrelly.

Key Cast: Woody Harrelson, Bill Murray, Randy Quaid, Vanessa Angel, Chris Elliott, Lin Shaye, Rob Moran

Five Point Summary:

1. That’s a nasty way to lose a hand.
2. Getting “Munsoned.” To fail spectacularly. Further humiliation.
3. Randy Quaid in drag. Oh sweet Grud no.
4. And so, the final showdown. Turns out Bill Murray is genuinely good at bowling. Who’da thunk?
5. A reason to sit through the credits, and it’s not a blooper reel. Yay!

The films of the Farrelly Brothers are more often than not known for their gross-out humour more than anything else. In hindsight this doesn’t apply to all of their films… just most of them. Kingpin is tonally the same as their other films, in that it feels like a Farrelly Brothers plot rather than attempting to cram a string of jokes about bodily functions into the script. Most of the gross-out humour comes in the form of Lin Shaye as the disgusting landlady of Roy Munson (Harrelson), the rest of it is more to do with inherent silliness. Other than Lin Shaye’s efforts, which are effortlessly funny, an early scene in particular involving the milking of cows is perhaps as bad as it gets.

But let’s wind back a few years, at least as far as the plot is concerned. We’re introduced to Munson as a young whippersnapper who is rather good at ten pin bowling. After he gets involved with Bill Murray’s rival bowler Ernie McCracken, they use their bowling skills to scam unsuspecting bowling alley owners. After one scam goes awry Harrelson is abandoned by Murray and, in a symbolic fashion, loses his bowling hand. Years later, Harrelson has lost everything (but gained a rubber hand and a hook) and instead of his name being synonymous with bowling, as his father once imagined, it is now used as a derogatory term used to indicate somebody who has failed spectacularly. Then he happens to meet an Amish guy, Ishmael (Quaid) who appears to have the same spark that Munson once did. And so, their crazy adventure – to win a bowling championship and subsequently a fair bit of money – begins. If you’re aware of movie scriptwriting conventions then you should be able to telegraph the finale within the first 15 minutes, but that’s okay – it’s all about the journey.

Bill Murray. Never a bad thing. Even in Garfield 2.

The core theme is all about redemption, and the story reaches an inevitable conclusion. That’s not to say that it’s predictable though – whilst the conclusion is never in any doubt, there’s plenty of surprises, twists and turns before we reach that point. Being funny is no excuse for lazy writing, which thankfully isn’t the case here. After meeting Claudia (Angel), it becomes a full-on road trip movie with three distinctive personalities all butting heads and all having different ideas about what they need to do, where they need to go and so on. In essence it’s a surrogate family model – Munson and Claudia as the parents and Ishmael as the naive child. Throw in a delightful dose of Bill Murray doing what he does best – being incredibly funny – and you can’t go wrong.

So there’s not a huge amount of gross-out humour, and the story has both a purpose and a defined character arc. Thus, I enjoyed it very much. Fans of other Farrelly Brothers movies are well served, but there’s enough to satisfy a more general audience, should you wish to look past the fact it’s a Farrelly Brothers production.

Favourite scene: The frozen look on Randy Quaid’s face when they escape with Vanessa Angel.

Quote: “I don’t puke when I drink, I puke when I don’t.”

Silly Moment: The fist fight between Roy and Claudia. Prosthetics work used to great effect.

Score: 3.5/5

Talk To Her (2002)

Simon Prior

2013-10-27

Twitter Plot Summary: Two men form a bond whilst looking after two women who are in comas.

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance

Director: Pedro Almodovar

Key Cast: Javier Camara, Dario Grndinetti, Rosario Flores, Geraldine Chaplin, Roberto Alvarez, Elena Anaya, Lola Duenas, Geraldine Chaplin

Five Point Summary:

1. Lamest snake attack ever.
2. It’s all crumbling…
3. Oh my. That’s erm… that’s quite graphic. And surreal.
4. He was never going to get away with that, was he?
5. Aaaaand… full circle.

Marco’s a bit of an emotional type. He cries at the ballet yet is still capable of manly things like stomping on the head of a snake. Because that’s the sort of thing that happens in Spain, don’t you know. He meets a woman who’s a matador (ironic given that she’s afraid of snakes) and they begin a relationship. Then after an accident leaves her in a coma, Marco strikes up a friendship with Benigno, a nurse at the hospital. He’s looking after another woman who’s in a coma and is responsible for bathing her and so on. As the story develops there are revelations that have an effect on both of their lives – to go into detail would spoil much of the film and defeat the point of watching it.

Without delving into spoilers, whilst Marco is the outwardly emotional one, Benigno keeps everything bottled up. Well, comparatively speaking. Their personalities meet somewhere in the middle so, to an extent, they complement each other and essentially form a relationship in the phsyical and emotional absence of women in their lives. The bromance between Marco and Benigno is deftly done, and it’s easy to see why those characters so easily become friends. Despite their differences they form a super glue-esque bond that remains solid despite the events that transpire. The script is set up to slowly dripfeed the audience with information, cutting back and forth between the present and each character’s past. It’s effective in not showing its hand until you reach the finale, and subsequently no surprise that it won an Oscar for best screenplay.

Neither realised quite how similar their fancy dress costumes were until it was too late.

What I enjoyed the most was the differences between these two male characters. Marco’s much more open with his emotions compared to Benigno, whereas Benigno has deep feelings for Alicia, the woman in a coma who he is caring for, yet rarely explicitly displays that emotion. Ultimately there are revelations for both men, either from them or regarding them, that push us towards the resolution of the film. There’s also a nice use of silent film to demonstrate character’s feelings, and whilst they are essentially fantasy sequences they don’t disturb the realistic tone set by the “real world” portions of the story. Depth is provided by Geraldine Chaplin as the ballet instructor of Benigno’s comatose patient. She dips in and out of the story

IMDB lists “comedy” amongst the genre tags for the film, which I’m not sure I agree with. Okay, so the silent film sections are intended to be humorous, but otherwise it’s quite a serious affair. It’s more drama than comedy, so like all good dramas it has some funny elements, but it’s certainly not comedy in a specific sense. Either that or I completely misjudged the tone of the film – it wouldn’t be the first time this has happened. There are weighty themes involved, so I don’t think I’ve misunderstood it that badly. In any case, I enjoyed it – there’s nary a dull moment and despite some really minor misgivings about where the plot ultimately leads I thought the story to be consistent and grounded in reality.

Favourite scene: Marco having to kill the snake. Establishes both his and Lydia’s personality quite succinctly.

Quote: ” Nothing is simple. I’m a ballet mistress, and nothing is simple.”

Silly moment: When he enters the giant lady part…

Score: 4/5

Police Academy 7: Mission To Moscow (1994)

Simon Prior

2013-10-26

"Is this script for real?" — “Is this script for real?”

Twitter Plot Summary: The tired survivors of the Police Academy franchise go over to Moscow. Because they can.

Genre: Comedy/Crime

Director: Alan Metter

Key Cast: George Gaynes, Michael Winslow, David Graf, Leslie Easterbrook, GW Bailey, Christopher Lee, Ron Perlman, Claire Forlani, Charlie Schlatter, Gregg Berger

Five Point Summary:

1. Cross-eyed female newsreader and a male newsreader who’s playing an original Gameboy that has no cartridge in it. Real clever.
2. Christopher Lee – boom!
3. Harris really needs a sidekick. There’s a Proctor-sized hole in this script.
4. Harris in a ballerina outfit. Scraping the barrel.
5. Those end credits are diabolical…

Remember what I’ve said previously about taking characters out of their comfort zone by sending them on a holiday or to a strange setting when the writers run out of ideas? Well the Police Academy franchise is the big winner of that unwanted award, simply because almost every film does this. Thankfully this was the last entry and by all accounts it’s the weakest. Even a 5 year gap between this and the previous entry does little to assist the script. If anything it’s resulted in a much worse film, but I’ll go into a bit more detail on that point shortly. The plot is essentially – send the Police Academy cast to Moscow and watch the insanity unfold. The recognisable faces are joined by Cadet Connors, the third person to fulfil the Mahoney role. He gets the majority of screen time, resulting in the old cast essentially guest starring in the franchise they helped make popular. I’m honestly not sure what the thinking was there other than making the audience watch a younger lead. Suffice to say, it’s a move that strikes another nail in the Police Academy coffin.

Despite the welcome presence of Christopher Lee and Ron Perlman, it is the worst film in the series by far. The overtly slapstick tone spoils it. When you think of the promise the series had after the first couple of films, there’s almost no comparison between them and this final entry. It reached the point whereby it feels like a film trapped between family friendly fare and the adult approach that defined the first movie. Harris is still as incompetent as ever, although as he lacks a dimwitted sidekick (no Proctor I’m afraid). When he ends up on stage dressed as a ballerina, it’s probably a good time to switch the film off and go do something more productive with your time. This time he’s less an outsider and more one of the gang, which after this amount of time is probably a good idea, however this should have received more emphasis. It’s likely that Harris was only given such a proactive role after some of the former big names (Hightower in particular) declined to appear.

She's cross-eyed, and there's no game in his Gameboy News in the 90s, people! — She’s cross-eyed, and there’s no game in his Gameboy. This was news in the 90s, people!

The biggest affront is that Lassard is sidetracked for the majority of the film – a misunderstanding at the airport means he joins a funeral party rather than the entourage set up for the visiting Americans and spends the rest of the film interacting with a Russian family. George Gaynes is excellent in everything I’ve seen him in, and a part of me wishes he’d had more to do in this particular film. Another part wishes he’d had no involvement at all given my almost entirely negative opinion of it.

Ignoring my dislike of taking characters out of their natural habitat, the move to Moscow could have been an opportunity to discuss the fall of communism and the ensuing change in the political landscape. Instead we got a slapstick romp that’s more interested in playing on stereotypes than doing anything interesting. Now, on that point – it appears that there were a number of changes made to the script that director Alan Metter was not happy with but had to include. The original draft of the script apparently focused less on slapstick and more on the cultural differences between the Americans and the Russians. Whilst this doesn’t give me much hope that the original draft was actually funny, it does highlight the inherent problems with the movie industry and how a film can change dramatically from initial inception to final product. But even with that said, Mission to Moscow is terrible and, perhaps thankfully, killed the franchise dead.

Favourite scene: Meeting Christopher Lee for the first time, which includes the only genuinely funny moment in the movie. See the quote below.

Quote: “May I kiss you again?” “No you may not!” “May I escort you inside?” “…yes, you may.”

Silly Moment: Captain Harris dressed as a ballerina.

Score: 1.5/5

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989)

Simon Prior

2013-10-25

Yes, he's back! Cower in fear, mortals! — Yes, he’s back! Cower in fear, mortals!

Twitter Plot Summary: Lassard and his team are called in to help stem a crime-wave in Captain Harris’s new precinct.

Genre: Comedy/Crime

Director: Peter Bonerz

Key Cast: Bubba Smith, David Graf, Michael Winslow, Leslie Easterbrooke, Marion Ramsay, Matt McCoy, Lance Kinsey, GE Bailey, George Gaynes, Kenneth Mars, Gerrit Graham, Georgr R Robinson, Bruce Mahler

Five Point Summary:

1. Okay, that Christmas song gag is actually pretty good.
2. Kenneth Mars. Funny, but he lowered himself to this level?
3. Those crooks are inept, yet they’re
4. 80s computers! Yeah!
5. A monster truck. Really?

They weren’t doing themselves any favours by churning these films out one a year throughout the 80s. Then again, the five year gap between this and Mission To Moscow (1994) didn’t do that film any favours, so maybe it’s not the short production time and more an issue with the direction they decided to take the series in. They also made quite a bit of money on each of these films, so irrespective of the quality of the script and production, if they make money then they’ll keep going until the box office returns reduce significantly. Other than Police Academy 2 (which in our household we had on VHS video back in the day), City Under Siege was always the one I’d happen to catch on television at various points. Usually ITV, for the record – the Police Academy movies will never be BBC material.

In this sixth and thankfully short entry in the series, the Police Academy team aren’t whisked away to an exotic locale this time, instead they’re drafted in to help stop a crime-wave in Captain Harris’s new precinct. Of course, Harris is less than enamoured with this idea and so, despite the fact their help would actually improve his precinct, he does everything he can to scupper the efforts of Lassard’s team. As was established in the previous films, Harris is often his own worst enemy, making a fool of himself whilst attempting to discredit Lassard, and this is where most of the humour is often found. Oh sure, everybody else gets their moments, but its the pairing of Harris and Proctor that wins it. The opening scene of them staking out a robbery is very good, and it’s a shame the film doesn’t maintain that level of humour throughout. As it is, this brief spark of genuinely funny interplay is let down by the following 75 minutes.

Kenneth Mars. Comedy legend. Lowered his standards to do this film.

The return of Fackler adds a pleasant dose of anarchy to the story, but he’s only effective in small amounts. If nothing else he’s overused, which by the end credits make him far less endearing and liable to annoy. Kenneth Mars is by far the best thing in the film, his comic timing makes even this tired script work. At least there’s a vague attempt at constructing a narrative this time, although it’s too little too late, an over-reliance on silly humour and yet one more step further away from what made the original (and perhaps Police Academy 2) worthwhile. The slapstick is turned up a notch and there’s more an emphasis on a big bad villain intent on holding the city to ransom with the assistance of three dumb goons – altogether more cliche than we’ve seen thus far, and it’s obvious that the writing’s on the wall.

It’s easy to criticise the Police Academy films for being badly written comedy films – I’m guilty of that myself. From my perspective it’s more to do with the fact they didn’t capitalise on the potential it had from the very first film. Other than brief glimpses of genuinely funny elements it’s a Police Academy film with a story that belongs in a different franchise.

Favourite scene: Jones entertaining a club with a series of impressions.

Quote: “Proctor! You have been singing Christmas songs for the entire five hours of this stakeout. And Christmas is a good four months away. If you sing so much as one more note… I will shoot you.”

Silly Moment: Hightower is hit with so much scrap metal that it would kill anybody in real life. As it is, he stands up and brushes dust off as if nothing had happened.

Score: 2/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8F1ZBgRgmsQ

Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (1988)

Simon Prior

2013-10-24

Just when you think the Vulcan nerve pinch is real, he goes and spoils it.

Twitter Plot Summary: Commandant Lassard is scheduled for retirement and goes to Miami to receive a reward, where he swaps bags with Odo from Star Trek.

Genre: Comedy/Crime

Director: Alan Myerson

Key Cast: Bubba Smith, Michael Winslow, David Graf, Leslie Easterbrook, Marion Ramsey, GW Bailey, Janet Jones, Lance Kinsey, George Gaynes, Matt McCoy, Rene Auberjonois

Five Point Summary:

1. Oh look, a new batch of recruits. I can barely contain my enthusiasm.
2. Odo with a fake tan and a moustache. Oh my.
3. A Jaws spoof. Erm… not sure that worked.
4. Aha, so we think he’s done a Vulcan nerve pinch when, in fact, he hasn’t.
5. I’m sure I’ve seen this finale before… Oh yeah, Police Academy 3.

And so the Police Academy series trundles on with a fourth sequel. Obviously having seen the way the wind was blowing, there is no Steve Guttenberg, no Bobcat Goldthwait and no… well, that’s it really, they’re the only ones who really mattered. This time the group are sent to an awards ceremony in Miami, where Lassard is to receive an award as officer of the decade. He’s also been told that he’s gone past the compulsory retirement age (thanks to some meddling from Captain Harris), so the trip is technically doubling up as his retirement do. Except that Lassard isn’t going to go down without a fight, naturally.

Filling the Steve Guttenberg/Mahoney-shaped hole is Matt McCoy as Lassard’s nephew. He does all the things Mahoney was known for – playing japes against Captain Harris, trying his luck with the ladies and generally being a bit smug. Clearly the character was originally Mahoney in the first draft and then rewritten once Guttenberg decided not to come back. Other than a very brief reference to being Lassard’s nephew, he and Mahoney are interchangeable.

Once again the script delves into cliche territory – when you run out of things for the characters to do, you take them out of their comfort zone and usually send them on holiday. In this case they’re sent to Miami, so basically it’s an excuse for the cast and crew to go to a sunny location for a few weeks and make a film whilst they’re out there. Rene Auberjonois throws subtlety to the wind and goes crazy as Mafia cutout Tony. As this is a Police Academy film, he fits right in. He even takes a shine to Lassard when he kidnaps the Commandant, which is a nice addition.

Yup, that's Odo from Star Trek Deep Space Nine. On the right. — Yup, that’s Odo from Star Trek Deep Space Nine. On the right.

At least the gags this time round are slightly fresher, and not necessarily related to the fact they’re in Miami. The final third owes a large debt to the jet ski finale from Police Academy 3. Apart from that it’s mostly either new jokes or more interesting twists on what we’ve seen in the series before. That’s not to say it’s good, just merely passable. We’re at the stage where characters either need no characterisation (because they’ve been in so many of the other films) or they’re given a name, a defining characteristic and then thrown into the mix. So we get the good looking woman, the big fat black guy and er, Lassard’s nephew. Give them as broad a description as possible and then throw them in at the deep end, never to return. Er, except for Lassard’s nephew.

In some respects the Police Academy series was a good idea – you could have a rolling cast of recruits depending on whomever was available from amongst your regulars and the series then has potential to go on for years. Of course, that only works if you have a story to back it up, and also allow time for characters to at least introduce themselves. Whilst Assignment Miami Beach isn’t too bad (it’s certainly a step up from Police Academy 4), it’s clear that the series is running on fumes.

Favourite scene: Despite it ripping off earlier set pieces in the series, the chase through the Florida marshlands.

Quote: “Well I’m sorry to hear that… Captain Dork!”

Silly Moment: Either the Jaws spoof or Hightower fighting with an alligator. I’m not picky.

Score: 2.5/5

Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol (1987)

Simon Prior

2013-10-23

Twitter Plot Summary: The Police Academy recruits return for a fourth outing. This time, it’s all about civilian volunteers helping clean the streets.

Genre: Comedy/Crime

Director: Jim Drake

Key Cast: Steve Guttenberg, Bubba Smith, Michael Winslow, David Graf, Tim Kazurinsky, Leslie Easterbrook, Marion Ramsay, Bobcat Goldthwait, Sharon Stone, Lance Kinsey, GW Bailey, George Gaynes, Colleen Camp, Brian Tochi, David Spade, Scott Thomson

Five Point Summary:

1. Quickly establish the cast then jump right into it. And there’s not much to jump into.
2. “THIS is skateboarding!”
3. The Blue Oyster again. It’s like a terrible Greatest Hits package.
4. Erm, that’s clearly Hightower as the voodoo chap…
5. This finale feels like a switched-up version of the boat chase in Police Academy 3. Yawn.

By now the writers of the Police Academy series were starting to clutch at straws. Rather than take what made the original film work and expand on it, they decided instead to make the series a parody of itself and keep returning to old tropes and routines that were watered down with each passing film. And so we have Police Academy 4: Citizens On Patrol, aka the one that repeats the plot of the first film and steals the funniest bits from the previous three films.

The regulars are well established by now so we just jump straight into the story, but if you’re starting these films with the fourth in the series then there’s probably something wrong with you. In any case, Commandant Lassard has had an ingenious idea to get ordinary citizens out on patrol. So, nothing at all like the very first film then? Right… What follows are a number of japes and hijinks as the citizens learn the ropes and get out there just in time to help save the city before the end credits roll. There’s almost nothing else to it than that. Once more it’s scriptwriting by numbers, as if no thought went into it beyond stringing together a couple of amusing character beats and misfortunes to beset Captain Harris. Most of which are rehashed versions of ones we’ve seen before, albeit against both Harris and Mauser.

Despite the laissez faire attitude towards writing an actual plot, the Police Academy series is still an enjoyable way of spending 80-odd minutes. Captain Harris and Proctor will make fools of themselves, Mahoney gets to ooze charm and stick it to the man, Jones gets to make noises and Tackleberry gets to obsess about weaponry. The problem by now is that the cast is already so bloated that the insistence on introducing a whole new bunch of recruits means there’s almost nothing for the established faces to do. Mahoney’s clearly reached his peak and that probably explains why Steve Guttenberg didn’t return for the fifth movie.

"Sorry, what do I do with this again?" — “Sorry, what do I do with this again?”

Sharon Stone appears briefly, looking like a poodle with her awesome 80s hair, although that’s not a recommendation. Her part could literally be anybody with a poodle haircut, there’s no personality to her and, it had to be said, she’s no Kim Cattrall. Meanwhile somebody decided that Bobcat Goldthwait needed to be one of the key focal points. Whilst he’s funny he’s better as the guy who dips in and out of the film, causes a bit of anarchy and then disappears just as quickly. Trying to give him more of a personality and even a love interest is a step too far.

The law of diminishing returns is evident in every aspect of this film. Thankfully it doesn’t outstay its welcome, which is just as well given how tired it feels. At least we get to see a young Tony Hawk do a bit of skateboarding. On the other hand we get to experience the dreadful Citizens on Patrol theme song by Michael Winslow (sound effects man Jones) and the LA Dream Team. If you’ve made it this far into the series then you might as well finish off the remaining three films, but be warned that it’s a rocky road ahead.

Favourite scene: Scaring the new recruits with a voodoo routine and a chainsaw.

Quote: “Don’t you ever touch my balls without asking!”

Silly Moment: The old woman firing Tackleberry’s Magnum.

Score: 2/5

Machete Kills (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-10-22

"Good timing, Mr President." — “Good timing, Mr President.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Machete seeks revenge against Mel Gibson, who is intent on destroying the world and heading into space.

Genre: Action/Crime/Thriller

Director: Robert Rodriguez

Key Cast: Danny Trejo, Mel Gibson, Demian Bichir, Amber Heard, Michelle Rodriguez, Sofia Vergara, Charlie Sheen, Lady Gaga, Antonio Banderas, Walt Goggins, Cuba Gooding Jr, Vanessa Hudgens, Alexa Vega, Marko Zaror, Tom Savini, William Sadler, Jessica Alba

Five Point Summary:

1. So Machete has a reason for getting involved. Vengeance!
2. The Chameleon is a cameo machine!
3. Mel Gibson: villain.
4. It’s all become rather silly.
5. Oh joy, looks like we’re going into space then.

The joke’s starting to wear a little thin for poor old Machete. The first film came about after appearing as a spoof trailer in the Grindhouse double bill, and the character himself is a spinoff from the Spy Kids franchise. This time Machete is embroiled in a plot to destroy the world by evil genius Voz (Mel Gibson). Things start off well. Machete is accused of causing the death of a fellow agent and finds himself hanging from a noose in the office of Texas sheriff William Sadler. As he’s hanging there, a call comes through from the US President giving him a reprieve.

If there is one thing to say Rodriguez does well, it’s bombastic and increasingly ludicrous action sequences. In this sense, Machete Kills is a winner. Each set piece is sillier than the last, which in its own way ties into the frankly ludicrous plot. There’s a kind of twisted logic at play, influenced by the Grindhouse films that started this whole big budget/low budget sub-genre, but it seems convoluted and overly twisty-turny just for the sake of it. The first film was relatively streamlined by comparison. Here, a number of minor storylines are thrown together and it soon becomes a crowded cameo checklist. El Camaleon is perhaps the best new character we meet, who really meets the Grindhouse mantra and whilst being completely one note is an entertaining presence. Same again for Mendez (Bichir) who flip-flops between personalities at a moment’s notice.

"Yep, I think it's a heart." — “Yep, I think it’s a heart.”

The big problem, ironic or not, is the objectification of women. Yes, again going back to the grindhouse origins this is nothing unusual, but the argument that it’s being done knowingly only stretches so far – if there were only a couple of female characters then fine, but other than Jessica Alba every other female in the film is scantily clad and adheres to 70s stereotypes. It’s also too long to sustain the humour – cutting it down to a 90 minute run time would have helped reduce most of the concerns I have about it. At least the cameos, when they do crop up, are entertaining. Charlie Sheen as the President is a fun piece of casting, and Mel Gibson as the villain demonstrates that, whilst some of his personal opinions may be questionable, he is at least still an engaging cinema presence and appears to be having great fun as the precognitive, Star Wars loving Voz.

And then of course we have what appears to be an inevitable third movie. We have a mock trailer at the beginning of the film, and then an obligatory “Machete will return” sequence at the end. The twist this time? He’s in space. Yeah, completely daft, but it fits, especially as this film goes all Moonraker for the final act. I would hope that the idea isn’t pushed beyond that. In fact, I’d argue that Machete only works as a trailer rather than a fully fledged movie, so perhaps if we do get any more it’s limited to just that – a trailer. We’ll see what happens when Machete Kills Again… In Space comes out, but I don’t have high hopes.

Favourite scene: Machete VS Mel Gibson, sword against machete.

Quote: “Machete happens.”

Silly Moment: Mel Gibson setting off into space, Moonraker style.

Score: 2.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BO1WwOQowlg

The Dead Undead (2010)

Simon Prior

2013-10-21

Guess how many of these will make it to the end of the film?

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of teens are attacked by zombie vampires but are saved by normal vampires who refuse to drink human blood.

Genre: Action/Horror/Sci-Fi

Director: Matthew R Anderson and Edward Conna

Key Cast: Luke Goss, Matthew R Anderson, Spice Williams-Crosby, Edward Conna, Laura Chinn, Joshua Alba, America Young, Cameron Goodman, Johnny Pacar, Lance Frank, Forrest J Ackerman, Vernon Wells

Five Point Summary:

1. That fake blood isn’t going to wash out…
2. Peeps with guns. Shouldn’t this be tense or something?
3. BIG EXPLOSION! Just because!
4. Er… this whole flashback seems arbitrary…
5. Is that Vernon Wells?! YES!

As I have discussed before, I often choose to watch zombie films that do something a little out of the ordinary, where the plot does something more than your standard “surviving the apocalypse” fare. The Dead Undead goes one better – combining vampires with zombies. A recipe for success? Much like Against The Dark, it isn’t even close. In fact, it’s truly diabolical.

Five teens, clearly all in their twenties, arrive at a hotel in the middle of nowhere for a holiday. Oddly the place seems deserted, that is until a group of zombie/vampire things emerge and start dribbling blood on them and stuff. Cue much shrieking and angry acting, which will come to define the remaining 80 minutes of the film. Oh, as will gunfire and pointless explosions, and not even pointless in a fun way. When done correctly a well placed silly explosion can have a decent effect on a film – if you blow something up just for the sake of it then you’re immediately setting yourself up to fail.

The script is full of inconsistencies – no effort is made to give us anything more than a very brief introduction to the characters (or no introduction at all), their reactions are inconsistent and their decision-making flawed. Bad acting is also the order of the day. Mix this with some sloppy editing and suspect camerawork and it quickly loses any possibility of redeeming itself. Sure, the flashbacks to how our group of good vampires were turned aren’t too bad, but they feel like inserts from other films and only seem to be included to pad out the running time, especially given how long each flashback runs for. A restructure of where these flashbacks occur in the film would have helped a little – one character dies heroically after talking about Valhalla, then we see him in the middle of a sword fight. Initially I thought that this was him having reached Valhalla until Spice Williams shows up and it then becomes apparent that it’s a flashback. There’s a couple of good ideas at least – the vampires who refuse to drink human blood are a good idea, as is the setup around the hotel – create more of a Near Dark vibe about it and you’re well away.

The film's one redeeming factor - Vernon Wells! — The film’s one redeeming factor – Vernon Wells!

Yet again this is a film where the concept is sound but it fails in the execution. What had the possibility of being an interesting twist on the zombie genre ends up being 90 minutes of people firing weapons at swarms of enemies, video game style, interspersed with small sections of dialogue and hard rock instrumentals. The finale is saved, in more ways than one, by the arrival of Vernon Wells, he of Commando fame. It’s clearly setting up a sequel (which I would happily watch if he was a central character), but that doesn’t appear to be on the cards at present. It’s not until these final few minutes where suddenly they decide to do some world building that it starts to show any sign of promise, but by then it’s too little too late. If a sequel does get off the ground, if they can fix the basic errors of this film and create an engaging story then it will at least be watchable. As this one stands, it’s very much a missed opportunity.

Favourite scene: Vernon Wells shows up. Win!

Quote: “When you guys are done with social-hour, maybe you can let us know and we can all go look for bad guys. Is that ok?”

Silly Moment:

Score: 1.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zLbpobJdcOg

Against The Dark (2009)

Simon Prior

2013-10-21

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of survivors try to escape from a hospital filled with infected vampire zombie things. Steven Seagal wields a sword.

Genre: Action/Horror/Sci-Fi/Thriller

Director: Richard Crudo

Key Cast: Stephen Seagal, Tanoai Reed, Linden Ashby, Jenna Harrison, Danny Midwinter, Keith David

Five Point Summary:

1. Oh my, how stilted is that dialogue?
2. An eyeball! Nice!
3. “What is that?” Well even from a distance it looks like a corpse to me…
4.Oh look, more hospital corridors… and a vampire thing that kind of looks like Robert Duvall.
5. And a vampire/zombie that sounds like Saw. If only he’d said that he wants to play a game.

Steven Seagal. Vampire zombies. Surely that’s a winning combination in anybody’s book? Well, you would think so, but no – it’s terrible. After a virus wipes out a huge number of the world’s population, survivors have to contend with vampire zombie creatures roaming the streets. Step up Steven Seagal and his band of fearless vampire killers, only one of whom apparently has the ability to speak – that’d be Tanoai Reed, aka cousin of The Rock. The other two are apparently mute supermodels who’re there just to look good in leather and carry a weapon. You can tell they’re a fearless bunch because they swirl around in leather coats and dress all in black, like rejects from The Matrix. To call these things vampires is a bit of a misnomer though, they’re actually more like 28 Days Later-style infected with sharp pointy teeth, not dissimilar to the killer Rabbit from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Still, we’re told they’re vampires so let’s just call them that. Even if technically they’re not. Whilst Seagal and his team of Hunters plod around killing any infected they see, another group of survivors try to make their way out of a hospital full of infected before the military nukes the place. Not that this time limit is really imposed on the characters at any point, they’re just content to avoid dying.

Dialogue is pure cheese, the acting generally poor and director Richard Crudo fails to build any tension. Excessive slow motion is once more the order of the day, although not used to the same extent as other more recent Seagal movies. Seagal himself doesn’t appear nearly often enough to justify receiving top billing, and Keith David clearly had nothing better to do in the week he must have spent on this project. Still, he’s a good actor and outperforms everybody else in this train wreck of a movie. If the script is good then you can forgive the fact that all we’re doing is watching people walk around hospital corridors. As this is all that happens (other than brief cutaways to Keith David and his military role) and the script isn’t very good, it soon becomes a slog.

Obviously a trip to the dentist was overdue.

There’s a couple of action sequences early on and a bit of gore to pique your interest, but after that the pace slows down to groups of people walking through dimly lit corridors trying to avoid being eaten. It’s a shame because there are some decent ideas dotted throughout the script. A scene where a vampire files her teeth down to appear human is a nice touch, and the cinematography is surprisingly adept for such a low budget feature. The makeup is also rather good and the gore, whilst there isn’t much of it, is of a similar high quality. This might suggest that there are sufficient reasons to watch the film. Don’t be fooled, it would take a lot more to make this worthwhile.

Seagal was vaguely entertaining back in 1992, and other than his extended cameo in Executive Decision he’s not made a decent film since then. It’s probably for the best that he only has about 10 minutes of screen time in this one. I’m not sure why, but he’s also been dubbed by Alin Olteanu. It seems a bit pointless as he just sounds like Steven Seagal… I can only think that his dialogue was unusable after they went through the footage and they couldn’t get him back into the studio for the ADR dubbing sessions.

So can I recommend Against The Dark? No, I can’t, not really. As a late night piece of trashy cinema then it might be worth a viewing, in particular if you see it with a group of friends, otherwise leave it in the bargain bin where it belongs.

Favourite scene: Anything with Keith David, the man is a legend and proves it with his performance.

Quote: “I want to see daylight again.” “I want you to see daylight again.” Erm… what?

Silly Moment: The long haired chap takes some pills and dies in the daftest possible way.

Score: 1.5/5

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