Dead Snow (2009)

2013-11-08

He was amazed at how much blood comes out of a paper cut.

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of medical students on holiday in the mountains are beset by undead Nazis.

Genre: Comedy/Horror

Director: Tommy Wirkola

Key Cast: Vegar Hoel, Stig Frode Henriksen, Charlotte Frogner, Lassa Valdal, Evy Kasseth Rosten, Jeppe Beck Laursen, Jenny Skavlan, Ane Dahl Torp, Bjorn Sundquist, Orjan Gamst

Five Point Summary:

1. That mountain setting looks glorious.
2. Old man survives long enough to spout exposition. Figures.
3. Slasher rules apply. You have sex, you die.
4. How to tell which way you’re facing if buried in an avalanche – use snot.
5. Ahh. That was… unpleasant. Glad that wasn’t me.

Mixing Nazi Zombies with a snowy mountain is a very good thing. There’s something iconic about seeing those uniforms, black and foreboding, set against pure white snow. Add a dash of claret to proceedings and you have a recipe for excellence.

Unfortunately that doesn’t quite pan out. It’s amusing, yes, and the scenes of violence are nicely structured, but it feels like it’s missing something, that killer angle that should’ve been filled by the presence of Nazi Zombies. There’s little in terms of plot beyond the youngsters – who are quite knowledgeable about their movies – heading to a cabin in the woods. There they encounter an exposition-spouting weird old man and, amazingly, an army of undead Nazi soldiers. Now there’s a turn up for the books.

It’s amusing that despite their inherent knowledge of how horror movies work, they still end up falling foul of the various tropes that we and they are all well aware of. It’s perhaps a misnomer to describe this as a zombie film as these zombies, as established in Outpost, are more interested in just stabbing and hacking at you rather than consuming human flesh (although they will have a nibble now and again). This gives us some epic scenes of gore and implied violence that are both amusing and wince-inducing in equal measure. That’s all well and good, but to call it a zombie film is a stretch, simply because it uses most of the slasher horror tropes in order to tell its story. The traditional notion that if you have sex you die is played out with glorious self-referential abandon, and it’s more about making your escape from the occasional undead fascist rather than surviving an apocalypse.

The violence, when it happens, is actually rather good, and the mountain setting does create some interesting if occasionally unbelievable set pieces. If nothing else it does at least set it apart from all of those other films about undead creatures returning from the grave. After one scene in particular, you’ll never look at crows in the same way again, that’s for sure. Also don’t forget the fact that they’re all medical students who have recently been trained in how to amputate limbs and cauterise the wound – that’ll come in handy later, no doubt. To keep things interesting the group are split up (of course) and each has their own unique section of story. It’s very much like Monty Python and the Holy Grail, a series of sketches morphed into a film-length narrative. The mountain location is used to great effect and whilst there’s not really any depth to the characters there is at least some amazing scenery to look at. The cinematographer/location scout can be proud of their work.

So ultimately it’s less fun than it should have been, but the concept, the gorgeous setting and the incredibly amusing marketing campaign for the film – including the tagline “Ein! Zwei! Die!” is a stroke of genius. It might not quite live up to expectations but it’s still a blood-soaked laugh. With Nazi Zombies. What more could you ask for?

Favourite scene: They go all Evil Dead in the tool shed.

Quote: “We should have gone to the beach like I told you.”

Silly Moment: He amputates his arm so he doesn’t become a zombie, then… the unthinkable happens.

Score: 3/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZJkd5X2aG34

Escape Plan (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-11-07

The action movie retirement home had just received its first two members.

Twitter Plot Summary: Set up and left to rot in a super prison, Sly joins forces with Arnie in order to break out.

Genre: Action/Mystery/Thriller

Director: Mikael Hafstrom

Key Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Jim Caviezel, Faran Tahir, Amy Ryan, Sam Neill, Vincent D’Onofrio, Vinnie Jones, 50 Cent

Five Point Summary:

1. Wait a minute… Sly’s supposed to be a smart guy in this one? Oh my.
2. Vincent D’Onofrio. I can see where this is going.
3. Jim Caviezel is a creepy presence as the Warden.
4. Breaking your own rules = recipe for disaster.
5. So that was basically Prison Break but with Sly and Arnie instead of Wentworth Miller and Dominic Purcell, right?

Ever wondered what it would be like to see Schwarzenegger and Stallone working together without the money-grabbing interference of Bruce Willis? Well then you should check out Escape Plan. Sly plays Ray Breslin, an expert in breaking out of prisons and improving prison security – he literally wrote the book on it. He’s asked to break out of a new, supposedly unbreakable prison but soon discovers that he’s been set up and has to work out how to escape without support from the outside. The problem is that this is no ordinary prison – inmates sleep in seethrough perspex boxes, they’re not permitted outside, and if they are insubordinate they are dumped into a box and blasted with hot lamps. Because the prison is off the books, there’s also no pesky Geneva Convention to prevent mistreatment of the inmates. Thankfully for Breslin he’s befriended by Emil Rottmeyer (Schwarzenegger) who helps him with his escape plan.

I was actually more interested in the supporting cast than the main performances from Stallone and Schwarzenegger. There’s not much I can say about these two – you know what to expect from their performances and they never reach above that expectation. Sam Neill and Jim Caviezel however are excellent as the prison doctor and the warden respectively, Caviezel in particular seems to be taking great delight in playing a man who is not entirely unlikeable, but is just on the right side of unpleasant for us to take a dislike to him. Neill doesn’t have much to do with his role but his weariness over the inhumane treatment of the prisoners does at least make him stand out. The fact he didn’t show up in any of the pre-release promotional material that I saw also made his appearance a pleasant surprise.

The set for the prison is actually rather nice – quite basic and yet a lot of effort has gone into making it look lived in and an unpleasant place to be. The same goes for the guards outfits – other than Vinnie Jones, the rest of the prison guards all wear identical masks, intended to prevent the inmates from differentiating between them. On the subject of Vinnie Jones, I’ve seen him do a few films now and, if directed well he can provide a half-decent performance. Here, he’s essentially The Juggernaut from X-Men 3 but without the silly outfit and muscles, and is appropriately two-dimensional for an action movie thug.

I'm not sure which is more sinister - Jim Caviezel or those guys with the black masks. — I’m not sure which is more sinister – Jim Caviezel or those guys with the black masks.

Given that the inmates of the prison are supposed to be the lowest of the low, the baddest of the bad, this angle was never covered in any great depth. I would have much preferred the prisoners to have a much more sinister vibe to them. Instead, it just feels like any other prison-based movie/TV show we’ve ever seen. More violent/unpleasant personalities within the prison would have helped it stand out. Attempts are also made to ensure that Muslims are not shown to be as villainous as some elements of society would have you believe, which was a nice angle to take but again it wasn’t covered in sufficient detail for my liking. Only one Muslim character gets any dialogue or something meaningful to do, which is a step in the right direction but even with this in mind his fate is predetermined.

It’s big dumb fun with plenty of humour, explosions and general silliness, a full-on 80s action film 30 years too late. Still, it looks far better than the same material churned out by these two guys in the action decade, so at least in one respect they’re able to move with the times. I think unfortunately the whole concept of breaking out of supposedly unbreakable prisons has been ruined by Prison Break, where they did everything covered in this film but in a more interesting way and with a more relatable angle. The real draw though is the two leads, and that’s all their fans, myself included, needed to know about it. It doesn’t matter that the script doesn’t punch above its weight, it’s all about the silliness. Sometimes, that’s all you need.

Favourite scene: Arnold screaming obscenities in German. Sehr gut.

Quote: “You hit like a vegetarian!”

Silly Moment: Arnold manhandles a MASSIVE gun.

Score: 2.5/5

Prince Avalanche (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-11-06

"Yep, I think it's a road." — “Yep, I think it’s a road.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Two men go on a voyage of discovery as they re-paint road markings after a bush fire has destroyed the area.

Genre: Comedy/Drama

Director: David Gordon Green

Key Cast: Paul Rudd, Emile Hirsch, Lance LeGault, Joyce Payne

Five Point Summary:

1. This looks like a slow burner…
2. Joyce Payne looking for her pilot’s licence. Genuinely touching.
3. Paul Rudd pretending the house is still standing. Funny.
4. Emile Hirsch goes Rambo on Paul Rudd. For a bit.
5. I’m starting to wonder if the truck driver’s really there too…

Set in 1988 in the aftermath of a massive bush fire in the United States, we join two men out in the wilds, repainting lines on the roads running through thr forest and installing marker posts for drivers. One, Alvin (Rudd, sporting an awesome moustache) enjoys his life out in the middle of nowhere, embracing the solitude that comes with spending most of your waking hours in the middle of a forest. The other, Lance (Hirsch, looking and acting like a young, blonde Jack Black), is the younger brother of Alvin’s girlfriend Madison. Lance’s main interest, being a young, testosterone-infused man, is going into the nearby town and finding him some lady related action.

It’s surprising how far you can go when your entire story takes place in a forest. It’s essentially a two hander between Paul Rudd and Emile Hirsch with occasional appearances from an old man (bringing forth gifts of alcohol) and an old woman searching for her pilot’s licence amongst the rubble of her former home. The interesting thing about her is that she’s got an air of the supernatural about her – is she really there? Is she the spirit of the forest? Does she not realise that paper will burn rather easily in a fire? It turns out that Joyce Payne was actually a resident in the area and the film crew happened to find her searching the remains of her house for her licence. Knowing in hindsight that this was a genuine event, it makes what was a touching scene something even more emotionally resonant. Rudd and Hirsch, by the way, are an excellent buddy pairing and they are genuinely engaging throughout. Which is lucky, otherwise this could’ve been a total disaster.

Prince Avalanche is understandably heavy on the bromance – initially there’s an uneasy tension between them that grows into grudging acceptance. Much of their unease stems from their relationships with women, who we never see but are referred to constantly. When their respective relationships end up in the dirt, they turn on each other, causing most of the script’s laughs. But it’s equally as good when we see them waxing lyrical about their disparate lifestyles, neither one really understanding how the other manages to go about their lives. I actually saw many parallels between myself and Alvin. He is quite happy in his own company and content to get on with things on his own terms. Company of others isn’t a problem but he doesn’t need them around to be productive. Unfortunately for him it’s also something that sets him apart from girlfriend Madison. On the other hand is Lance, who I share less characteristics with – he’ll chase whatever’s available, including a woman who’s in a relationship with his best friend. Not speaking from experience, but that’s a recipe for disaster my friend. Ahh, the folly of youth.

Ultimately both characters, despite their differences, come to terms with the issues they encounter and there’s a satisfying conclusion to their story arc. Much like in real life, things don’t always turn out perfectly, but Alvin and Lance have gone on a journey together and have come out the other side with a newfound respect for each other and the world around them. It’s a gentle journey for the most part – even the sections where they’re chasing each other through the forest are quite restrained. It’s a full-on character piece that has a lot to say about the world, about relationships and about bromance. It’s a win on all counts.

Favourite scene: Paul Rudd pretending to move around the house, despite it having burnt down.

Quote: “There’s a difference between being lonely and being alone. I reap the rewards of solitude.”

Silly Moment: Rudd and Hirsch have a disagreement that ends with Hirsch chasing Rudd through the forest.

Score: 3.5/5

Ender’s Game (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-11-05

"You're er, not very tall, sir." — “You’re er, not very tall, sir.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Big bugs are set to destroy the planet, so humanity trains up a bunch of smart kids to defeat them!

Genre: Action/Adventure/Sci-Fi

Director: Gavin Hood

Key Cast: Asa Butterfield, Harrison Ford, Ben Kingsley, Hailee Steinfeld, Viola Davis, Aramis Knight, Nonso Anozie, Conor Carroll, Suraj Partha, Abigail Breslin, Jimmy Pinchak, Moises Arias, Khylin Rhambo

Five Point Summary:

1. And lo, how to end a fight against far superior forces.
2. Sup with Harrison Ford’s hairstyle?
3. Aww bless, Ender’s getting all emotional. And what sort of a name is that anyway?
4. Huzzah! Sir Ben Kingsley with Maori tattoos!
5. Well… er, that ending came as a surprise…

Ender’s Game has been a long-gestating project, and the Orson Scott Card novel has apparently been under consideration for a movie adaptation for decades. For something aimed at the early teen market (and possibly younger), Ender’s Game is actually quite dark. The Earth was once attacked by an invading alien force and, through sheer luck, the invaders were defeated. Fifty years later there’s another threat on the horizon and so humanity is forced to train intelligent children, essentially with video games, to turn them into unbeatable tactical geniuses and save all of humanity. No pressure there then.

The plot is only moderately interesting for the most part – we follow a promising youngster called Ender (Butterfield) as he gradually works his way up the ranks in an ongoing effort to prove himself to thos around him – demonstrating that he not only has the ability to end a fight, but to prevent all future fights – a point that draws the attention of Colonel Graff (Ford) and ultimately leads to Ender commanding his own army. Asa Butterfield is solid as the conflicted Ender – a “third” who was only born because his older brother and sister were either too violent or too emotional to succeed. Ender has to try and balance those two elements of his personality. Within these two conflicting sides to his personality is his tactical genius, which is given plenty of room to breath throughout the not inconsiderable running time.

The two big names in the cast – Harrison Ford and Sir Ben Kingsley – are reasonable in their roles, albeit seemingly just going through the motions. Ford does his usual grumpy old man schtick (moderately entertaining) and Kingsley finds a new accent to try out (Kiwi). The real meat comes from the younger cast, Hailee Steinfeld and Aramis Knight in particular are strong in their supporting roles. Equally strong, in a separate sense, is the special effects, which indicates that Gavin Hood has learned a lot about making effects-laden films since his disastrous attempt at the Wolverine Origins movie.

"Yeah I know, kid. He looked better in Iron Man 3." — “Yeah I know, kid. He looked better in Iron Man 3.”

Unlike something like Starship Troopers, we don’t see much of the alien menace. This seems a deliberate move on the part of scriptwriter/director Gavin Hood (I’ve not read the original novel. Yet), as it helps build our one-sided opinion of them. They’re a threat to humanity, so we as an audience need to invest in the characters who are to defend our planet from destruction. Just don’t expect things to be as clear cut as the aforementioned Starship Troopers ultimately was.

The politics are perhaps a tad too heavy handed to be effective – using kids to win a war is, after all, frowned upon. The key thing to remember is that the adults in this story know exactly what they’re doing and are essentially exploiting the naivety of youth. The plotting is also a little too linear for my tastes, there’s conflict between Ender, his fellow students and his superior officers but otherwise it’s literally watching Ender move from one group to the next, proceeding up the chain of command. The sequences help demonstrate his tactical knowledge though, so in that respect they serve their purpose. The finale too is incredibly dark and comes as something of a surprise. Still, given the core theme of the film, this shouldn’t be massively unexpected – just a surprise. It might be a bit dark for some of the target audience, but for me it was tonally spot on. A few tweaks maybe to the script would’ve helped, but otherwise I doubt it could’ve been improved upon.

Favourite scene: Ender sticking it to Bonzo, the jumped-up little twerp.

Quote: “Let’s see how he handles rejection.”

Silly Moment: Ben Kingsley’s face or accent. You choose.

Score: 3.5/5

The Rock (1996)

Simon Prior

2013-11-04

Nicolas Cage's suggestion to take somebody's face off had not gone down well. — Nicolas Cage’s suggestion to take somebody’s face off had not gone down well.

Twitter Plot Summary: When a disgruntled army general takes hostages on Alcatraz island using poison gas, an agent and a former inmate head inside to stop them.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Thriller

Director: Michael Bay

Key Cast: Sean Connery, Nicolas Cage, Ed Harris, John Spencer, David Morse, William Forsythe, Michael Biehn, Vanessa Marcil, John C McGinley, Gregory Sporleder, Tony Todd, Bokeem Woodbine, Claire Forlani, Jim Caviezel

Five Point Summary:

1. Goodspeed is only different to every other FBI agent because he likes LP’s. That’s enough, I suppose.
2. So that car chase is just ripping off Bullitt…
3. Ahh, the flaming corridor of death. Of course.
4. Sean Connery’s leaving… now he’s coming back. Now he’s leaving again. Make yon mind up!
5. Aha, I knew that thing they mentioned earlier involving needles was going to come up again.

The island of Alcatraz has always held a certain mystique to it. Its isolated location in the midst of San Francisco Bay, the fact that purportedly nobody ever escaped, and that Captain Kirk and the crew of the Enterprise crashed a stolen Klingon Bird of Prey nearby in Star Trek 4: The Voyage Home. But wait! Former US army General Hummel has gone rogue, stolen a ridiculous amount of nerve gas, taken a group of hostages on Alcatraz island and threatens to release the nerve agent on an unsuspecting San Francisco.

Step up Sean Connery’s Mason, a former SAS agent who escaped from the island 30 years ago and has been secretly locked away by the US government for the entire intervening period. Rather implausibly, he’s given the opportunity to help them prevent the terrorist attack. Because naturally, after being locked up for 30 years he’s going to be really happy to help. He’s joined by FBI agent Stanley Goodspeed, a chemist who knows a lot about chemical weapons but has little experience in the field. Despite the angry acting outbursts of FBI Director Womack (and there’s something deliciously awesome about Sean Connery saying that name) both Mason and Goodspeed step into the breach, break into Alcatraz with a commando team led by Terminator/Aliens alumnus Michael Biehn, and attempt to stop the mercenaries responsible.

They all knew that, somewhere out there, Sean Connery was coming for them.

Ed Harris is compelling as General Hummel, the man responsible for taking over the island and deciding his plan needs some cool-looking green balls of death. His reasons for instigating the plan are plausible and not simply because he’a a generally villainous type. He has a code of honour and the only reason he’s proceeding with his plan is all because of the inadequacies he perceives in his own government. there’s not much more depth to him than this, but it’s more than we usually get from this kind of action template. The real success though is the interplay between Sean Connery and Nicolas Cage. Their odd couple pairing of young desk-bound chemist and older action hero literally zings with one liners and surprisingly witty banter, which is lucky because otherwise we’d be left with a dessicated husk of a movie, one where the characters don’t entertain and we realise just how silly the whole thing is. Connery is dependably suave and cool as, essentially, an older embittered version of James Bond, and Nicolas Cage reigns his performance in to just the right side of crazy to embody the FBI agent who’s in over his head. The remaining cast are a veritable who’s who of lesser known character actors, in particular John C McGinley, Tony Todd and David Morse as members of Hummel’s mercenary team.

The Rock succeeds as an action film because its action sequences are nicely choreographed, the story’s not actually that bad, and the interaction between the characters – including the numerous humorous quips – are genuinely funny. It’s a formula that Michael Bay has tried to replicate in later films but patently failed to capture that same level of magic. Rather than just being an excuse for having big explosions whenever and wherever possible, the story is engaging despite being so ludicrously over the top that it could only have been a film from the orchestrator of Bay-hem himself. As a slice of action-related entertainment it’s polished and keeps you moving from one insane set-piece to the next, and the characters entertain despite being practically paper thin if you think about it for a moment. But then we’re not here for in-depth characterisation – not when big things can be blown up and people can shoot at each other. Check your brain at the door and go along for the ride – it’ll be well worth your time.

Favourite scene: Cage and Connery pay loving homage to the mine cart scene in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom. But with more fire and explosions.

Quote: “You enjoying this?”

“Well, it’s certainly more enjoyable than my average day… reading philosophy, avoiding gang rape in the washrooms… though, it’s less of a problem these days. Maybe I’m losing my sex appeal.”

Silly Moment: Sean Connery hatches an escape plan involving a penthouse suite, a gratuitous amount of room service, a haircut and a length of cord stolen from the bathroom. Oh, and then a Humvee.

Score: 4/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClOQJAB0uD0

Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995)

Simon Prior

2013-11-03

The Power Rangers, whilst athletic, still couldn't pull off their Superman impression. — The Power Rangers, whilst athletic, still couldn’t pull off their Superman impression.

Twitter Plot Summary: An old foe of Zordon resurfaces in Angel Grove, the villainous Ivan Ooze. The Power Rangers must upgrade their abilities to stop him.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Family/Sci-Fi/Comedy/Thriller

Director: Bryan Spicer

Key Cast: Karan Ashley, Johnny Yong Bosch, Jason David Frank, Amy Jo Johnson, Steve Cardenas, David Yost, Paul Freeman, Paul Schrier, Jason Narvy, Gabrielle Fitzpatrick, Jean Paul Bell, Kerry Casey, Mark Ginther, Julia Cortez

Five Point Summary:

1. Has nobody else in Angel Grove noticed those 5 teens who always wear the same colours as the Power Rangers?
2. Hey, that’s Paul Freeman as Ivan Ooze! He was Belloq in Raiders Of The Lost Ark, FYI.
3. The Power Rangers base has been destroyed – an excuse to redesign it for Season 3!
4. It’s the Obi-Wan Kenobi “scaring off Tusken Raiders” trick, but by an English woman in a green bikini. An improvement in most people’s books.
5. That CGI looks terrible nowadays, but at least the Rangers can save the day.

Back in the day I was a huge fan of the original Power Rangers TV series, before it became the constantly rebooted juggernaut that it has since become. After the huge success of the series, it made sense financially to capitalise on it by making a film. Just like most movie adaptations the Power Rangers movie doesn’t fit directly into the continuity of the show – in fact they recreated the events of the film (kind of) and went off in a different direction at the beginning of season 3. The script does its best to introduce the key faces, however if you weren’t a fan of the series before the film then you weren’t likely to go and see it at the cinema, so all you really need to know is that the Power Rangers are distinguished by their respective primary colours, and anything new to the plot is explained in a Star Wars-style opening scroll. Put simply, the Rangers face their biggest threat to date – that old cliche of an ancient evil released back into the world, the purple-loving Ivan Ooze. He turns the parents of Angel grove into mindless zombies to help him build his ultimate weapon. Meanwhile the Rangers have to seek out new powers after Ooze destroys Power Rangers Central and go off on a quest to another planet to find new Zords.

There’s an inherent silliness to the entire Power Rangers franchise – backflipping your way out of danger rather than just running, which would be quicker, as it happens; gesticulating wildly at each other whilst in the Power Ranger suits, or the key villain never finishing the job himself and constantly relying on his incompetent henchmen to finish the job, which as we all know is a recipe for disaster. Throw in a heavy dose of Japanese silliness – because the franchise uses a number of scenes from the original hentai show in Japan (although surprisingly not this film – it’s 100% original and American) – and you have a recipe for an overly whimsical family friendly film that’s just the right level of odd to draw in kids of an appropriate age.

Mr Freeman realises he probably committed career suicide by agreeing to be in this film.

Of course being a film allows them a bigger budget than your standard TV episode and as such allows bigger stunts, better choreographed fights, better locations and slightly more adventurous story ideas – the film opens with the Rangers taking part in a sponsored skydiving contest, for example, and there’s a slightly bigger focus on production value. In fairness this wouldn’t be too difficult given how cheap the original show is.

It’s passable stuff then, but let down by a script that doesn’t try to hook a new audience, and by CGI effects that look bad by today’s standards. On the positive side, introducing Ivan Ooze as the villain makes sense as Lord Zedd and Rita Repulsa were already proven to be incompetent from the two extremely long seasons of the TV show that preceded it. With a new villain there was always the potential for him to succeed in his mission, even if we know that would never be the case. It also had the usual task of selling more toys to kids, so no matter what we might think of the film now it served its purpose well.

Favourite scene: The Rangers have to learn new powers and save the day. Despite its poor CGI, the Zord fight at the end, crossed with the kids of Angel Grove trying to save their parents, is actually rather fun.

Quote: “Take it home in boxes. Take it home in cases. If your parents try to stop you, just throw it in their faces!”

Silly Moment: The evil Ooze-spawned bird-men are punished by Ivan for their failure – by being blown up!

Score: 2.5/5

Independence Daysaster (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-11-02

He's just seen the script. — He’s just seen the script.

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s all down to a rogue SETI scientist and a small town firefighter to help prevent an alien invasion.

Genre: Sci-Fi

Director: WD Hogan

Key Cast: Casey Dubois, Iain Belcher, Andrea Brooks, Nicholas Carella, Aaron Craven, Michael Kopea, Garein Sanford

Five Point Summary:

1. It’s all so very American… and the alien ships look terrible.
2. The President just so happens to find the only virgi… sorry, nerd, in the immediate vicinity who has a lot of relevant computer equipment.
3. That Vice President is a bit of a nasty chap. Not entirely, just a bit of one.
4. Let’s go to war against these strange drones! Yeah!
5. Are they seriously ending it there? Do we need another one of these films?

Yet another film in my season of bad TV movies, Independence Daysaster is a victory just for its title alone. In typical SyFy tradition it features a mismatched pairing of smalltime nobodies who manage to help take down the invaders. It’s a race against time because the aliens are essentially terraforming our planet, although true to form we won’t pay much attention to this point because the screenwriters had no interest in it either.

The first two minutes are spent emphasising the Fourth of July atmosphere – Stars and Stripes flutter in the breeze, a man hums the Star Spangled Banner, and an alien invasion just happens to take place on the day made famous by Bill Pullman’s rousing/cheesy speech in 1996. So as aliens destroy all of the major cities across the globe and, randomly, a small town in the back end of nowhere USA, the President has to find a way to communicate with his generals whilst a SETI scientist and a fireman, of all people, try and figure out a way of stopping the alien threat, because once more the government are completely ineffectual. The aliens themselves remain unseen other than their strangely derivative machinery, which is annoying because a little more alien involvement would’ve been nice (or even some alien-looking machines), but also a good thing because you’re not left complaining about how bad they look or how badly they were used.

These are strange alien invaders though – their first attack comes from both the skies and from beneath, using machines that look like cheap knock-offs of the Mole vehicle used by the Thunderbirds. There’s never any dialogue established between humanity and the invaders, nor any real attempt made to explain why they could be found underground. As such it ends up feeling like a one sided affair, or a street fight in which humanity showed up and the aliens decided to call in wick with alien man flu or something. Not seeing the enemy spoils it considerably.

The CGI is deliciously bad, so bad in fact it’s actually a highlight. Another element of fun is to spot the blatant references to Roland Emmerich’s film – a pitched air battle between alien vessels and a squadron of fighter jets is seen primarily from the ground, although we’re sadly lacking any characters who are worth watching. Even the President is horrendously bland, almost too earnest in fact. Where are the Jeff Goldblum’s, the Will Smith’s, the Randy Quaid’s? Or rather, the Z-list actor equivalent of those big names? Nowhere to be seen. In fact it’s not even told in a nudge nudge, wink wink manner. Play it straight by all means, but not to the point where it’s so earnest it loses much of its potential appeal. Whilst it is derivative of a number of films, Independence Daysaster is moderately entertaining, albeit with an ending that clearly indicates that a sequel is probably imminent. Still, at least the music was good, and it was better than Diana.

Favourite scene: Mr Vice President is verbally slapped down by his assistant. Ooh, snap!

Quote: “On this 4th of July, we will make a stand. For America, and for the world.”

Silly Moment: Woman makes the ultimate sacrifice so others can get away. Others start chasing after her. Like idiots.

Score: 2/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5ypOchZFpc

Stonados (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-11-01

"I'm not 100% certain, but I think a big rock did this." — “I’m not 100% certain, but I think a big rock did this.”

Twitter Plot Summary: A science teacher and a weatherman team up to prevent a freak tornado filled with stones from destroying Boston.

Genre: Sci-Fi

Director: Jason Bourque

Key Cast: Paul Johansson, Sebastian Spence, Thea Gill, William B Davis, Jessica McLeod, Miranda Frigon

Five Point Summary:

1. She has the smallest tour group ever. Do you think she gets job satisfaction?
2. Exposition involving a science teacher and a weather man. Suuuure…
3. Has he not thought to warn the authorities rather than just shouting into a megaphone at people? Also: weather technobabble!
4. Oh look, exploding stones. Of course.
5. How do you make driving through an assault course of exploding stones look dramatic? Erm… well the answer is you don’t.

From the same great minds that gave us Sharknado (or at least, that would be the case in an ideal world) we have the equally atrocious Stonados. Same concept but instead of sharks in the tornado, it’s stones. Big, big stones. Sold on it yet? Well you should be, because Stonados takes all that is big and dumb about Sharknado and turns it up to 11, albeit in smaller more controlled bursts. It’s also got far better acting than that Tara Reid-starring travesty of a movie. This can be seen as a good thing or a bad thing depending on your attitude towards low budget sci-fi/horror movies. Stonados succeeds just because it’s a silly idea backed up by serious Z-list performances.

The story, such as it is, sees a freak storm create tornados that suck up big stones and threatens the city of Boston. Er, that’s about it. Into this weather-related mix are a science teacher (convenient) and a weather man (oh, even more convenient) who just happen to be old friends. it’s up to this pairing to work out how to stop the freak tornados and to save Boston. One would assume the answer to that is “let the government deal with it”, or so the theory goes. Our two guys are insistent that something big is coming, but the authorities don’t want to hear it until it’s too late. Same old, same old. You’d think they’d just up sticks and move out of the area whilst shouting “I TOLD YOU SO!” out the window. But maybe that’s just because I know where it’s going. The key to these cheap SyFy TV movies is that, no matter what the situation, the ordinary people caught up in events feel obliged to help. Don’t worry about the mortal danger that will probably follow you and your family, as long as you save everybody else, all of whom probably couldn’t care less.

Even from a great distance, they could feel the extreme effects of Meat Loaf's chronic flatulence. — Even from a great distance, they could feel the extreme effects of Meat Loaf’s chronic flatulence.

Efforts are made to make the oncoming storm seem much more dramatic than the special effects can imply – some serious, dramatic music mixed with the concerned faces of local Bostonites, occasionally in slow motion, are counterbalanced by blatant CGI. The fact that every death is hilarious seems almost an afterthought. Unfortunately there aren’t more comic death scenes (there’s quite a few, but not enough), and there isn’t a constant sense of threat, more one that comes and goes as it sees fit. Which technically, being a weather related phenomenon, is probably an accurate concept. But when the stones start exploding, that’s when things get genuinely silly. Thankfully, as previously mentioned, one of our lead characters is a science teacher so he conjures up a ridiculous plan that will save the day. Because apparently everybody else with a scientific background was on holiday that day.

Of course being such a cheap production, and being made for TV, it will never look amazing, and the running time ensures it doesn’t stick around any longer than is necessary. Meanwhile the script includes just enough to keep you engaged – relationship stuff, a family missing a parent, and silly yet surprisingly tame death scenes. In every other respect it’s typical daytime SyFy fodder, but a little more abstract silliness would’ve elevated it above and beyond the likes of Sharknado. Go figure.

Favourite scene: The woman who didn’t believe them tries to make amends by apologising. And then…

Quote: “I think we might have ourselves a very big problem.”

Silly Moment: Well, it’s clearly the fact it’s a tornado throwing giant rocks at people. That good enough for you?

Score: 2.5/5

Filth (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-10-31

This is how they greet each other in Scotland, apparently.

Twitter Plot Summary: Bruce is up for promotion and trying to solve a crime, whilst falling apart mentally. Busy man.

Genre: Comedy/Crime/Drama

Director: Jon S Baird

Key Cast: James McAvoy, Imogen Poots, Jamie Bell, Iain De Caestecker, Joanne Froggatt, Emun Elliott, Jim Broadbent, Shirley Henderson, Eddie Marsan, Martin Compston, Natasha O’Keeffe, Kate Dickie, David Soul, Ron Donachie, Gary Lewis, Tracy Ann Oberman, John Sessions

Five Point Summary:

1. Nice introduction – offend everybody, especially if you’re Scottish.
2. Jim Broadbent with a MASSIVE forehead. It works.
3. Ladies and gentlemen: Eddie Marsan tripping out!
4. Ahh, things start to become clear – kind of. What’s with the pig?
5. Ooh, a twist! Did you see that coming?

Filth by name, filth by nature. It’s not an easy viewing, but I got a lot from it. The name filth has a number of connotations in this context. It can be seen as a slang term for the police, the sordid nature of events within the film, and also what our man Bruce Robertson (McAvoy) thinks of himself. It’s incredibly multifaceted, and that’s just what we get from the film title. There’s much more to the film itself, to the point where going into any great detail will ruin it. What I can say is this. Bruce is a man in decline. The problem is, he hasn’t noticed it yet. He’s bigoted, racist, sexist, incredibly corrupt, and will do anything to get promoted at the expense of his colleagues – an early sequence has them all sat in a room and he mentally attributes their odds of success compared to him. Actually, saying he hasn’t noticed his mental decline is perhaps a stretch – occasionally he notices, but his moments of lucidity are few and far between before he’s straight back into angry mode.

It’s also a tough film to classify. There are many moments of genuine laugh out loud humour, but then these are deftly counterbalanced by thoroughly unpleasant themes, both real and imagined. This ability to switch from laughs to horror in the blink of an eye is testament to both the script and Jon S Baird’s direction – it’s a balancing act that is very difficult to get right but thankfully in this case it works. It’s incredibly self-effacing with regards to the Scots, but that’s okay because it’s based on Irvine Welsh’s book. Because, y’know… he’s one of them Scots.

I’d be lying if I didn’t say the film affected me. I actually had to put on some happy songs on my drive home from the cinema just to cheer me up. That’s not saying the film is depressing, but it’s stark, dark and tragic, yet equally as hilariously funny. Seeing Jim Broadbent with a massive prosthetic forehead is a highlight, as is hearing his kiwi-infused accent. Eddie Marsan too, playing meek, mild mannered Bladesey is excellent, in particular when he takes a trip, in more than one sense of the word, thanks to Bruce dropping a couple of pills in his beer. On that note, McAvoy is superb as Bruce – it’s never clear at any moment whether he’ll be nice to your face or seriously rip into you. Usually it’s the latter, but the point remains it’s a deliberately unhinged performance. I heard an interview with him before seeing the film where he apparently turned up for work hungover to give Bruce a particular look – trust me, it worked.

Given the time of year it’s set, it might have been better releasing it towards the Christmas season, but then perhaps wisely it’s stepping out of the shadow of The Hobbit Part 2. Then again, Iron Man 3 was technically a Christmas film and that was released in April, so I don’t think it really makes much difference. If you missed Filth at the cinema, please seek it out when the Blu-Ray/DVD release inevitably rolls around, and whatever you may think of the opening act, stick with it. It’s perhaps not the easiest film to watch, but it’s things like this that make being a fan of the medium such a delight.

Favourite scene: Eddie Marsan tripping in Amsterdam.

Quote: “No more cocaine and chip suppers for Bruce, eh?”

Silly Moment: The tapeworm scenes, yeeeees?

Score: 5/5

Turbo (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-10-30

Guess which one's Samuel L Jackson. Go on, guess. — Guess which one’s Samuel L Jackson. Go on, guess.

Twitter Plot Summary: A common garden snail wants to be an Indy 500 racer. Then a freak accident means he can do it. Of course it does.

Genre: Animation/Adventure/Comedy/Family/Sport

Director: David Soren

Key Cast: Ryan Reynolds, Paul Giamatti, Michael Pena, Samuel L Jackson, Luis Guzman, Bill Hader, Snoop Dogg, Maya Rudolph, Ben Schwartz, Richard Jenkins, Ken Jeong, Michelle Rodriguez, Mike Bell

Five Point Summary:

1. Just a simple snail, wanting more from life. So it goes.
2. Woot, Samuel L Jackson playing a very black snail. Sllightly suspect.
3. Guy Gagne. Smug git.
4. Srsly, a snail racing Indy 500 cars looks (and is) stupid.
5. And there’s the resolution everybody knew was going to happen. Sigh.

I’m starting to think that the people who make animated films for kids are clutching at straws when looking for plots. Take this film for example – an ordinary garden snail has aspirations of being a race car driver, so naturally he’s turned into a super fast snail after being infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah, see where I’m coming from? After receiving his powers Turbo finds himself in a beaten up retail court that desperately needs cash. Luckily for him he’s found by Tito, the youngest of two brothers running a taco restaurant. The other brother, incidentally, is played by Luis Guzman who’s clearly making a play to be the modern day Cheech Marin – that’s fine with me, for the record. Once you get over the fact the story is about a snail racing against Indy 500 cars, it’s not a bad family film. The relationship between Turbo and his brother is the best thing in it, although his initial insistence on talking Turbo down from his aspirations goes on for a little too long, making his ultimate about-face (because it was always going to happen) seem slightly contrived.

There’s even some fun gags around the life of snails in general – the risk of being crushed by kids on tricycles, or being eaten randomly by crows – although these could have maybe been expanded upon. There’s also plenty of entertainment value in the crew of racing snails, led by Samuel L Jackson no less, who are basically a slimey version of the Fast and Furious posse. Just to reinforce the link, Michelle Rodriguez voices one of the human characters dragged along on the adventure – she’s a mechanic, naturally. There’s also a nice recurring gag of big slug White Shadow saying his own name in hushed tones.

The animation is also top notch. I didn’t watch it in 3D as the screening schedule didn’t fit with my own, however I could see it being reasonably entertaining with a little more depth to the image, in particular the race scenes. In fact as far as the animation goes I can’t really fault it. The snails look cool, the world is nicely realised and the Indy 500 racing is (probably) as good as the real thing. Except with a high speed snail. Thankfully they decided to give him a neon blue trail, otherwise those race scenes would’ve got boring really quickly. It’s also very keen to point out that your heroes may not be all you expect them to be, so you need to make your own way. A decent message for the younger audience, although it’s maybe not made as clear as it could’ve been.

I wouldn’t say it’s amazing, but it’s good enough. There’s plenty here for the kids to enjoy, and just about enough to keep the adults entertained. If nothing else you can play the game of Guess the Voice Actor, because it’s a veritable treasure trove of famous names. The story is a definite misfire, but that’s from an adult perspective – the target audience will lap it up. Pun intended.

Favourite scene: The snails being arbitrarily picked off by crows in the garden.

Quote: “Here one moment, gone the next! I’m so fast you can only see my shadow. White Shadow!”

Silly Moment: It’s a really, really fast snail – how much sillier do you want?

Score: 2.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F-L5bzwdpVI

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