Doghouse (2009)

2014-06-26

Boys will be boys... — Boys will be boys…

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of lads go on a trip only to find themselves surrounded by flesheating women.

Five Point Summary:

1. That place looks a bit empty…
2. Remote control cars. Boys will be boys.
3. She likes fingers.
4. Scissor death!
5. Squished by the fatty.

Summing up the Nuts generation in a single movie, Doghouse sees a group of “lads” go on a holiday to a small village in the middle of nowhere in a bid to cheer up one of their number, Vince, who has recently gone through a divorce. Arriving in the village of Moodley, they find it seemingly empty. Noticing a few extremely odd occurrences – a bloody handprint on a fence, the odd severed limb and a few dead bodies (standard small village fare, is it not?), all is not as it seems. Before long, the women of the town emerge with a hunger for man flesh and it becomes an attempt to stay alive and get out of town. Just in case we were to ever get them confused, they all sport clearly identifiable costumes (obviously designed by a man given how revealing they are) and “powers” for want of a better term. A bride carries an axe, a hairdresser has scissors, there’s a fat woman, and so on.

The misogyny is evident from the start, specifically in the form of Danny Dyer’s Neil. He claims that women love him and, to an extent, that proves to be the case, but his attitude towards women is supposed to be funny and slightly endearing when in fact it just stinks. This attitude is played upon throughout, so the writers and filmmakers are definitely aware of its existence, but there’s no attempt made at giving it an ironic twist or justifying it in any form of postmodern context. Men, like those represented here, will always be derogatory towards women and that will forever be the case, sadly.

The tone is broadly comedic with some hard gore thrown into the mix. The story opens with an attempt at foreshadowing by referencing The Evil Dead and stating categorically that they’re not zombies – shame really as the women in Moodley do all stagger around as if they’re card carrying members of the undead. The effects in this instance are superb, defying the resolutely low budget by providing levels of gore and undead-esque make-up that horehounds will love.

A number of opportunities are wasted in terms of the final resolution for many of the characters. Not that there is much depth to any of them – they are broadly drawn and not given much time to develop beyond having one or maybe two defining quirk or characteristic. There’s the obligatory geek, the mid-life crisis divorcee, the slightly dumb guy, the forgetful one, the one with anger management issues, etc. There’s also Danny Dyer’s misogynist, a focal point for all that is wrong with the film’s attitude towards gender.

Furthermore the situation they find themselves in doesn’t get anywhere near enough explanation and feels like a cut-price version of a Neil Marshall film. The closest the script gets to being just a little bit clever is in that each one of the characters is in the proverbial doghouse, for various reasons, when they set out on their journey. This again does not get the right amount of time it deserves and should have been developed more, but instead is almost forgotten about as the small scale violence and male bonding kicks in.

Still, despite its many faults, Doghouse remains an entertaining 90 minutes, even if it’s mostly vacuous and entirely lacking in depth. It’s a film clearly aimed at a specific audience, and they will likely lap it up. For the rest of us more enlightened folk, Doghouse makes it abundantly clear that men will always be big kids, and that’s not likely to ever change.

Score: 2.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DFy9IPNvLzg

Outpost: Black Sun (2012)

Simon Prior

2014-06-25

You can tell it's supposed to be Eastern Europe because it's almost sepia. — You can tell it’s supposed to be Eastern Europe because it’s almost sepia.

Twitter Plot Summary: A new team head into the bunker to stop the undead Nazis from spreading out further.

Five Point Summary:

1. Some old Nazi men…
2. American woman heads into the zone.
3. More secrets in that old Nazi bunker.
4. Cackling Nazi woman.
5. Surprise ending.

Outpost: Black Sun opens with a few old men trying to look vaguely menacing. It’s not the most auspicious of starts given that the first Outpost movie effectively kick-started the Nazi Zombie sub-genre. Some might argue that it was never a film that needed a sequel, but the finale there was sufficiently open-ended for it to carry on and explain some of the science behind their resurrection – for better or for worse.

As such, the story picks up almost directly from the end of the first Outpost, with American Nazi hunter Lena (Catherine Steadman) and engineer Wallace (Richard Coyle) making their way into the war zone under the radar to seek out reanimated Nazi General Klausener (David Gant), that chap who was menacing the first time round.

Coyle, most famously known for his role as Jeff in the Stephen Moffat-created relationship sitcom Coupling, sports an unnecessary American accent as an engineer who finds himself heading back towards the original bunker as the undead Nazi menace starts spreading further and further away. On their way there he and Lena encounter yet another small group of soldiers who are heading to the bunker to bring an end to the Nazis once and for all.

The question is raised as to why the soldiers don’t use any heavy artillery to resolve the issue, but that’s perhaps being a little too pedantic, and in fairness they do provide a small explanation for this by the end. It also raises the question as to why they keep sending in small teams to obliterate the threat rather than HALO jumping to the source and dealing with the problem more efficiently. Again, this is perhaps also being a touch on the pedantic side.

She's clearly let her NHS credentials lapse. — She’s clearly let her NHS credentials lapse.

If there’s an area where Black Sun falls short, it’s in that it doesn’t get close to recreating the tension that was built up when Ray Stevenson led his team into the bunker in the first place. By explaining precisely what has brought the Nazis back from the dead, rather than doing what the first film did and focusing more on the action and violence, it loses what made the original compelling. That’s not to say there isn’t a sufficient amount of violence here – there is – but violence in itself does not a good movie make. Telling almost exactly the same story as before, with a creepy Nazi zombie woman thing and some science fiction-esque energy powers added for good measure, does not a good movie make. That and the whole “old Nazi” plot doesn’t get enough time to be fully explored, although this appears to be likely in the third movie.

It might not be as good as the first movie, but does an effective job of expanding on the mythos without ruining the good work of the opening salvo. If you enjoyed Outpost then it’s not necessary to watch Black Sun, but if you had any lingering questions as to why the Nazis were being reanimated and charged with a desire to kill pretty much everybody in their way, then Black Sun does cover this, albeit sadly not to the same compelling level as before.

Score: 2.5/5

Movie 43 (2013)

Simon Prior

2014-06-24

Twitter Plot Summary: An assorted number of sketches linked either with a script pitching meeting or three teenagers. Neither is very good.

Five Point Summary:

1. Testicles on his chin.
2. Homeschooling. This is supposed to be amusing?
3. Halle Berry with plastic surgery.
4. Gerard Butler: Leprechaun.
5. Beezel, the animated gay cat.

Sketch shows, by their very nature, are hit and miss. Even at their finest, the likes of Monty Python or The Fast Show featured the occasional duff sketch. Movies that take on the same format live or die on the strength of their material, and also their ability to maintain audience enjoyment for at least 80 minutes. Movie 43 fails in almost every category, the sketches providing almost no humour beyond the fact we’re seeing established A-List actors performing the material.

The first problem is that the sketches are, on the whole, too long. In this era of fast paced comedy, spending four or five minutes on each sketch is a luxury that comedy can no longer afford unless the material is inherently strong. The opening sketch sees Hugh Jackman go on a dinner date with Kate Winslet, the joke being that Jackman’s character has testicles on his neck. That’s the joke. And the sketch runs for minutes. Minutes!

Some of the material could work if given some context – Beezel the animated cat, jealous of his owner Josh Duhamel shacking up with Elizabeth Banks – has the odd moment of humour but doesn’t have the focus to make it laugh out loud funny. One sketch that almost (almost!) generates genuine belly laughs is where Gerard Butler shows up as a leprechaun who has been kidnapped by Sean William Scott and Johnny Knoxville. There are a couple of mildly amusing moments but it feels aimless and the punchline isn’t worth the lengthy build-up.

The rest of the material is gross-out and deliberately bad taste humour. Bad taste jokes are absolutely fine when they’re done well, but again this is an area in which Movie 43 fails dramatically. If you’re a 14 year old boy then you’d possibly find this hilarious, although you wouldn’t be old enough to see this in the cinema and would have to wait for the home release. No doubt Movie 43 might achieve some level of support in the home video market from this section of the audience, but for everyone else it remains entirely unworthy of your time.

"You want me to watch Movie 43?!" — “You want me to watch Movie 43?!”

The connecting narrative between the sketches differs depending on which country the movie was released in. Here in Europe we received a story about three teenagers searching for the elusive Movie 43 which ultimately leads to the end of the world. The US meanwhile received a completely different connecting narrative of a washed up film maker pitching show ideas to a TV executive. This is a far better framing device but it doesn’t save the sketches themselves – they’re terrible either way.

With a couple of very minor selections, Movie 43 is a failure in almost every respect. A 90 minute comedy movie shouldn’t feel like it’s four hours long. Given that most of the celebrities who appear in the film seem to have done so because they owed a favour or blood oath or something to the producers, their presence should not be an indication as to the quality of the film or the material they are being forced to spout.

Score: 1/5

Apollo 18 (2011)

Simon Prior

2014-06-23

Twitter Plot Summary: Contrary to popular belief, Apollo 18 did actually go to the Moon, but they found something… evil.

Five Point Summary:

1. Apollo 18 on the Moon! Boom.
2. Something’s not quite right.
3. Those darned Russkies!
4. Something in his helmet…
5. Obligatory found footage ending.

The found footage genre expands to the limitless expanse of outer space in Apollo 18. The Apollo missions to the moon ended with Apollo 17, with planned missions for Apollo 18, 19 and 20 dropped due to budgetary cuts. The premise of Apollo 18 is that the mission did in fact take place, but its existence was hidden from the public for reasons that will become clear. Luckily for us, 84 hours of “classified footage” was released and this film was edited together from that. Before even getting into the film itself, this premise is rife with possibility and plays on our inherent fear of the unknown. In terms of human existence to date, there is no more lonely a place than the surface of the Moon, after all.

It begins in a similar fashion to the other Moon mission footage we have seen before. Presented entirely in a similar style to the footage of the era – narrow frame, noise and damage on the video itself – two astronauts land on the surface of the Moon whilst a third remains in lunar orbit. Whilst completing their routine scientific experiments, the crew notice a number of strange occurrences – lights flickering, radio interference and so on. So far, so obvious. Soon enough events take a turn for the strange as they make a number of discoveries in quick succession and the threat facing the crew slowly reveals itself. Once the threat becomes apparent, it quickly loses any semblance of realism and degrades into generic horror territory.

Trotting old standard horror jump scares, there is nothing original about this other than its moon-based setting. Whilst we’re supposed to believe that this all actually happened, it would be a bonus if the editing created more tension or even a sense of foreboding. Cheap jump scares do exactly as they are intended to do, but otherwise it’s completely devoid of genuine scares and lacks the ability to elicit genuine fear in the audience. Other than the occasional quick scares from the previously mentioned jump scare procedure, the main emotional reaction from the audience will most likely be boredom.

Just some normal Moon rocks... or are they? — Just some normal Moon rocks… or are they?

The performances from a group of relative unknowns add to the vague sense of believability, although they’re not given a huge amount to work with beyond reacting to their situation. They are all cardboard cutout characters that, whilst no doubt perhaps perfect representations of actual astronauts, they do not give us anybody to root for unlike those we encounter in something like Ron Howard’s Apollo 13. It is stymied quite substantially by the limited locations used, a lack of relatable characters, and most notably a lack of compelling story.

It seems that there is little else the found footage genre can do without jumping into full-on science fiction territory along similar lines to Cloverfield. Whilst Apollo 18 does try to construct an entertaining story, it could have perhaps done better by adding thriller elements to its story and expanding on the political conspiracy angle. Instead it deserves praise for its presentation and a couple of story elements, but not much more beyond this.

Score: 2/5

The Rookie (1990)

Simon Prior

2014-06-22

"I'm supposed to work with this guy? He's as deadpan as I am!" — “I’m supposed to work with this guy? He’s as deadpan as I am!”

Twitter Plot Summary: Clint Eastwood and Charlie Sheen join forces to take on evil Raul Julia. The levels of deadpan go through the roof.

Five Point Summary:

1. Black guy dies first.
2. One of them has to crack – too much deadpan.
3. Kidnapped!
4. Shoot him in the knees next time.
5. Mega explosion.

The Rookie sees Clint Eastwood’s grizzled veteran join up with the titular rookie cop, played by Charlie Sheen. Playing on the tired old trope of the grizzled veteran being partnered up with a precocious rookie cop, the story is as rote as they come. What makes it work however is the interplay between Eastwood and Sheen as they try to out-deadpan one another, and the script’s balance of humour with hard hitting cop action.

After his partner is killed by bad guy Raul Julia (again adhering to the stereotypes of the genre by killing the black guy first), Clint Eastwood’s Nick wants revenge but finds himself taken off the case and partnered with a rookie, Charlie Sheen’s David. They end up investigating the case regardless, and soon find themselves playing a game of oneupmanship with Mr Bad Guy. True to form, they both learn something from one another by the end and meet somewhere in the middle as they reach an understanding. Whilst Nick is only in it for revenge, David is haunted by the death of his brother in his childhood and wishes to make something of himself away from which acts as a parallel for his current working relationship with Nick.

Raul Julia is fine as criminal mastermind Strom, but he’s got very little to do beyond looking menacing and espousing the usual bad guy dialogue. To call him two dimensional would be a complement. But then as this is really about the partnership between the two cops, it’s understandable that the big bad will have little to define him beyond his evil master plan. Meanwhile the obligatory female accomplice is billed as being a classic attractive woman, but in reality nothing could be further from the truth. Sensual, yes, but doesn’t rate all that highly in terms of looks. She is also a character that lacks any other defining characteristics. Too much testosterone between Eastwood and Sheen overpowering everything else, clearly.

That blood stain's never going to wash out. — That blood stain’s never going to wash out.

The practical effects are an area in which The Rookie impresses, none more so than the epic fireball which punctuates the movie trailer. There’s something almost gratifying about seeing real cars being smashed up, or real flame bursting out of an exploding building. The action sequences are well choreographed albeit with a more measured tone and style that is typical of Eastwood’s work in the director’s chair.

Eastwood is not averse to poking fun at his own tough guy persona, his character having a penchant for a witty one liner and almost permanently having a cigar to hand. He mostly appears nonplussed at everything that’s taking place, which adds to the amusement. Throw in an equally deadpan Charlie Sheen – not averse to the odd comedic role himself, of course – and it’s a recipe that can’t really fail.

The Rookie had potential to be just another buddy cop movie, but the mixture of humour, solid action, entertaining story and Eastwood’s direction – and the performances, why not – all create a worthwhile product that make it much more than the generic tale that it appears to be on paper.

Score: 3.5/5

The Harry Hill Movie (2013)

Simon Prior

2014-06-21

Chicken snipers. It's all downhill from here. — Chicken snipers. It’s all downhill from here.

Twitter Plot Summary: Harry Hill goes big screen as he contends with an ill hamster and his evil twin brother who was raised by Alsatians.

Five Point Summary:

1. Chicken snipers = awesome.
2. Giant traffic cone car.
3. Godzilla reference.
4. Sea shell people!
5. Obligatory musical finale.

Set in an off-kilter version of the UK, The Harry Hill Movie is a knowing, self-referential and overall weird film, featuring much of the surreal humour that defined Harry’s show TV Burp. For those not in the know, TV Burp was a Saturday evening programme where Harry analysed that week’s television in a fast-paced quickfire series of sketches and amusing asides to camera. Here he moves the style of the show into a feature length narrative with sadly mixed results.

Half disguised as a musical, for there are many, many songs throughout, Harry is trying to make his Nan (Julie Walters) move out of their shared home whilst having to contend with the evil plans of his twin brother who was raised by Alsatians. Believe it or not, this is not the most outlandish part of a story which includes a race of shell people, a B&B owned by The Magic Numbers, a talking fox and chicken snipers. That is, chickens which are snipers. A gag about various Sat Nav voices is perhaps one of the few that work well, although the joke could have benefitted from being a bit tighter in the edit – not a good sign bearing in mind the total run time is less than 90 minutes with credits.

The references to The Exorcist are a little at odds with the childish tone, although there are the odd moments that are targeted at the adults in the audience with jokes that would be lost on the youth simply because they’re a little bit saucy. A Godzilla reference, with a man dressed up as a giant hamster in this instance, is perhaps the best sequence, and hits just the right level of ludicrous as he stomps around the beach at Blackpole (they have a black pole and a nuclear power plant) whilst Harry and his Nan talk complex scientific theory in the foreground. Further references to Jurassic Park, King Kong and Rocky are delightfully low budget but are just as equally tired homages that don’t quite hit the mark.

On the other hand some of the casting choices are inspired – Jim Broadbent as an old cleaning lady (yes, you read that right) is a particular highlight. Julian Barratt’s role as Conch, leader of the sea shell people, has a role similar to the kind he played in The Mighty Boosh, but the role is so underdeveloped it doesn’t get anywhere close to being as amusing as the Boosh were capable of. Julie Walters meanwhile looks like she’s having a ball despite the poor material, as does Simon Bird as an evil henchman and dentist.

Much of the setup is akin to the apparently innocent age of the 1970s – although with recent developments and Operation Yewtree, perhaps its not so innocent an era after all. Harry shares a bed with his Nan and has a bit of a thing for a woman made of shells, and the humour is as laboured as It all adds up to a film that is all over the place tonally, and lacks the killer punch that TV Burp maintained on television. A younger audience may get something from this, but for the adults who enjoyed TV Burp, there is little to recommend.

Score: 1.5/5

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Simon Prior

2014-06-20

Twitter Plot Summary: The Punisher takes on the criminal underworld, led by jagged-faced villain Jigsaw.

Five Point Summary:

1. Glass in the face!
2. Finally – it speaks!
3. Bit of a scuffle with Colin Salmon.
4. Epic violence.
5. A choice.

The Punisher has always remained an intriguing prospect for a movie character. Previous attempts at bringing the character to the big screen were hardly recognised for making the most of the character. Dolph Lundgren’s take on the character took place in that horrible era when comic book movies were campy, low budget nonsense. The 2004 effort starring Thomas Jane is worth seeing for insisting on using practical effects rather than resorting to CGI. 2008’s Punisher: War Zone reboots Frank Castle again, this time morphing into the body of Ray Stevenson and making a concerted effort to make a film more in line with the grim and violent tone of the comic book source material.

Gone is the origin story and in its place is an immediate jump into the action as Castle is instrumental in the creatiom of his nemesis, Jigsaw. Sadly this isn’t the same guy from the Saw franchise, but instead a gangster criminal whose face has been mashed up after a close encounter with a pit of broken glass bottles. If anybody had any doubts about how “comic book” this film was going to be, one look at his jigsaw-faced make-up is all you need. Throw in an obligatory mad brother who has a penchant for biting chunks out of his enemies and the matter is settled.

You can tell he's really just a big teddy bear. — You can tell he’s really just a big teddy bear.

Stevenson’s take on Frank Castle is perhaps the best yet, albeit only if you take into account much of the work that Thomas Jane did in the previous film – although as this is another total reboot it should really stand on its own merits. It’s more than thirty minutes into the film before Frank Castle has a line of dialogue, but Stevenson manages to portray steely determination and threat of extreme violence with a mere glance before he opens his mouth. His back story doesn’t get more than a few moments of screen time, but his reasons and motivations are made quite clear. As are his relationships with Micro (an underused Wayne Knight) and a couple of officers on the force, most notably the initially skeptical Colin Salmon.

In terms of the direction, it’s a great effort from Lexi Alexander who makes the most of the cast and has some fun with the established tropes of the action genre. Despite the violence it’s also definitively a comic book movie, each frame looking like it could have been taken from a comic book panel. The use of three or four colours in each scene substantiates this, and the excessive blood and explosions are clearly aimed at satiating the demands of a teen audience. Why just shoot a guy in the head when you can blow it clean off his shoulders?

It’s a shame that War Zone didn’t get the attention it deserved back in the day. With the help of celebs such as Patton Oswalt it’s gone on to become something of a cult classic, although its overt comic book tone damages the efforts made in the Thomas Jane movie to create a more gritty, realistic tone. Still, as a comic book brought to life it hits the right spots and finds the right balance between camp and extreme violence.

Score: 3/5

Prometheus (2012)

Simon Prior

2014-06-19

His Booker T impression had gone slightly wrong.

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of scientists head out into the unknown on a quest to find the Engineers who created humanity.

Five Point Summary:

1. David… Bowie?
2. Evil black goo.
3. Stupid scientists.
4. Don’t run in a straight line, you fool!
5. Engineer versus giant slimy alien thing!

The Alien franchise has been in decline with every passing movie, the second Alien VS Predator proving to be a proverbial nail in the coffin due to its unrelenting ridiculousness. The starting point for Prometheus refers directly back to Ridley Scott’s opening franchise salvo in 1979 – what was the back story to the space jockey in the ship discovered by the crew of the Nostromo? Fans of the Alien series aren’t going to get any real answers, in fact you’re likely to have even more questions, but this is precisely what defines Prometheus as the brave failure it ultimately turned out to be.

The ship is populated with an array of stereotypes and characters who are given a shock of ginger hair or somewhat outlandish character flaws to make them. Blasting out into deep space, they are on a quest to discover more about the “Engineers” who seemingly created life on Earth. There’s a bit more to it than that, but there are a few twists and turns that create intrigue around the Weyland Corporation (before they unite with Yutani) and their reasons for funding the trip.

It feels that a number of plot strands have been cut to maintain a 2 hour running time, leading one to assume that Scott probably has a substantial director’s cut lying around somewhere that could correct all of these problems. The sad thing is he’s insistent that the 2 hour cut is the only cut he intended, although time will tell if that proves to be true. Either way, a few extra minutes of exposition and amendments wouldn’t have hurt at all, and would have gone some way to plugging a few gaps.

There are a multitude of problems that ultimately tarnish the final film. The scientists are prone to making ridiculous decisions despite apparently being of moderately high IQ. Guy Pierce is ultimately wasted as head honcho Weyland, appearing in what amounts to an extended cameo. Noomi Rapace is supposed to be English despite her accent wobbling on many an occasion, and there is insufficient explanations given regarding the black goo and what it represents. This has led to a number of theories over its purpose, and it does at least create a point of conversation

That all looks vaguely familiar... — That all looks vaguely familiar…

There are many things that Prometheus gets right, however. The many references, subtle or otherwise, to the Alien franchise go down a treat; the effects are incredibly good, as are the locations used in the opening act. Ridley Scott manages to get the effects and location budgets that most other directors can only dream of, but thankfully you see every penny on screen.

Michael Fassbender is excellent as android David. His androgynous David Bowie-esque representative of the Master Race at first has full run of the ship whilst the rest of the crew lie in stasis. He is a slightly sinister presence, devoid of any emotion beyond the odd smirk and air of superiority. Then there’s the medical pod scene, which in its own way is on par with the pivotal chest burster scene that has since come to define both the franchise and John Hurt’s career.

Finally there’s the connective DNA that links Prometheus definitively with the Alien franchise. At its core is the divide between science and faith. Not only is Noomi Rapace’s Shaw a confusing mixture of both doctrines, but there is the differences between Weyland and his daughter Vickers (Theron), and the possibility that she is as artificial as David.

So a flawed work then, but certainly one worthy of conversation as much for the things it gets right as for the moments where it sadly stumbles and almost – but not quite – face-plants into the asphalt.

Score: 3/5

Rumble In The Bronx (1995)

Simon Prior

2014-06-18

Chan hadn't quite mastered the one inch punch. — Chan hadn’t quite mastered the one inch punch.

Twitter Plot Summary: Jackie Chan visits New York for his uncle’s wedding, only to get on the wrong side of a local gang.

Five Point Summary:

1. See through mirror. Cunning.
2. Smashed glass.
3. Gang fight!
4. Half the house left.
5. Hovercraft time!

Rumble In the Bronx marked the breakthrough movie of Jackie Chan, so it’s with no small amount of symbolism that he opens the film by flying into New York from the homeland. Visiting his uncle who is about to get married and runs a shop in the Bronx (although this was actually shot in Vancouver), Chan’s Keung finds himself chased by a gang after he interrupts one of their destructive street games. The odds are heavily stacked against him, with matters becoming much more complicated when some mob goons get involved and try to locate some missing diamonds after one of the gang members got greedy. Keung ends up helping a young disabled boy and his sister (also a member of the gang) and resolves to sort matters out himself after the police do nothing to intervene.

Whilst an entertaining Hong Kong action movie, Rumble In The Bronx acts as a showcase for exactly how quick Jackie Chan was back in the day. He moves ridiculously fast, his limbs a cavalcade of punches and swift kicks as he fends off attack after attack. The practical effect stunts never fail to impress and, as has become tradition, not without their own fair share of injuries as documented in the end credits. It’s the fact that the stunts were performed for real, and led to genuine injuries, that makes them all the more effective and occasionally breathtaking. Whilst the dubbing is slightly iffy, with that traditional stilted delivery that often ruins a dub, the action sequences more than make up for it.

Wouldn't it have been much better if this had been John C McGinley? — Wouldn’t it have been much better if this had been John C McGinley?

It’s also quite funny at many points throughout, mixing in slapstick humour with the occasional explosive moment and the occasionally insane stunts. Chan will always be a fun presence in any film he makes, remaining tough yet always maintaining that air of loveable charm.

The problem of course is that they never seem to learn that if they attack him all at once then he probably wouldn’t stand a chance. Taking it in turns to attack him is never going to work. It’s best to remember that this is never supposed to be a gritty martial arts film along the same lines as a Van Damme flick, instead it’s supposed to be fun with a much lower sense of danger and a moral for us all to take away by the end. In this instance, working together and doing good instead of evil is the best way to live your life, and also sets an example to those around you.

By the final set piece, featuring a hovercraft chase throughout the streets of New York *cough Vancouver* it’s a silly yet entirely entertaining finale to the movie. True to form, you know that the bad guys will get their comeuppance and everybody else will live happily ever after. The lesson to be learned here of course is that if you’re a gang or evil corporate types, if you mess with a disabled kid you’ll have to deal with Jackie Chan. Period.

Score: 3.5/5

Tornado Warning (2012)

Simon Prior

2014-06-17

Kari Wuhrer was amazed at holding a device that could transmit her voice across the globe.

Twitter Plot Summary: Aliens are trying to invade the Earth using funky tornadoes. They’re not very good at it.

Five Point Summary:

1. Jeff Fahey! Kari Wuhrer! A fat woman!
2. Men in Black meets sarcasm.
3. Nobody believes them. Never saw that coming.
4. I’m starting to think we’ll never see these aliens.
5. Ridiculous ending. Ridiculous.

The action gets off to a start early in TV movie Tornado Warning, or the much more obvious title of Alien Tornado as it is also known (which in honesty gives the game away far too early), as a freaky looking tornado rips into the ground and causes untold havoc before disappearing as quickly as it appeared. For those who have always dreamed of a team-up between Jeff Fahey and Kari Wuhrer, this is the low budget sci-fi TV movie for you.

The focus is split between Jeff Fahey and his exposition-spouting and incredibly selfish daughter, who let’s face it isn’t all that attractive despite this apparently being the reason for her existence. That and being “sparky” which usually translates to “annoying”. Fahey’s character, as is often the case, leads a damaged existence following the death of his wife some years previously, whilst simultaneously having to contend with his frankly horrific daughter. Is it any wonder, given how moody and self-centred she is, that Fahey’s Judd can barely muster a smile in her direction? There’s also Kari Wuhrer’s scientist who starts to receive alerts about strange tornado sightings and has a sixth sense for detecting forthcoming tornados. Convenient. They’re not difficult to miss of course, the blatant CGI weather fronts clearly indicating that they are not your common twisters. Wuhrer is joined by an overweight woman who shouts a lot and is as irritating as is possible for an overweight American woman to be.

Things take a turn for the slightly silly when the feds turn up in cool black jumpsuits with a triple band of orange piping on their arms, like cut-price Spy Who Loved Me era James Bond goons. In fact, their leader looks like a cut-price Jonathan Pryce in Tomorrow Never Dies. Then it becomes apparent that the tornados are being caused by alien invaders who clearly have not learned from the “Invasion Earth 101” manual – there’s no way that the occasional freak tornado is going to result in humanity subjecting itself to alien rule.

Yeah, looks totally realistic. Not even aliens would create a tornado this awful.

Jeff Fahey is perhaps wasted on this material, but he puts in a solid performance regardless. Kari Wuhrer, surprisingly, also deserves better than this, and she’s a regular fixture in low budget sci-fi tosh. The remaining actors are mostly on par with the material, varying from adequate to absolutely awful. There’s a modicum of fun to be had in the slightly camp performance of David Jensen as Armstrong, the leader of the shady government men, but that’s about your lot.

Of course it’s obvious that you won’t ever get to see the alien overlords as the budget would never stretch that far – most of that probably went on hiring Jeff Fahey and Kari Wuhrer. An excuse is given for why the aliens are never seen, but it barely holds water. You can clearly see the scriptwriter crying into his breakfast cereal as half of his alien invasion storyline is left on the cutting room floor for budgetary reasons.

The plot is typical of most TV budget science fiction features – a core cast of no more than ten characters, a threat that remains mostly unseen, cheap costumes and a soundtrack that often overpowers the dialogue. Throw in a dash of badly sketched family relationship strife and a plot so wafer thin you could serve it to your guests after 8pm, and you have the complete package. Whilst the direction here remains mostly competent, that doesn’t make it a good film. It does a better job than some direct to TV efforts, but it’s limited by its budget and won’t be troubling Roland Emmerich any time soon.

Score: 2/5

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