Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead (2011)

2013-12-28

Twitter Plot Summary: The tale of a girl too prim and proper to pass wind in public, and her learning to let go. Plus zombies and parasites.

Genre: Comedy/Horror

Director: Noboru Iguchi

Key Cast: Arisa Nakamura, Mayu Sugano, Asana Mamoru, Yuki, Dani, Kentaro Kishi, Demo Tanaka, Asami

Five Point Summary:

1. A zombie! Yay!
2. A woman defecating. Oh my.
3. An homage to The Evil Dead (eyeball…). Very nice.
4. Now there’s something you don’t see every day…
5. Now it’s gone really weird. Seriously, seriously weird.

Ahh, those crazy Japanese. They never make sane films in the first place, so give them the zombie genre and the results will be predictably insane. The title was what drew me to this film, likely an incredibly bad translation of the original, but also entirely accurate in that we see both a zombie ass and a toilet of the dead – literally. The tone is, of course, completely flippant and whimsical. There are copious amounts of comedic sound effects, bodily function gags and ridiculous amounts of amusing gore. There’s also a few homages to other notable zombie films, The Evil Dead among them, which is ideal for hardened zombie-philes.

We’re with a typical cross-section of Japanese teens – the karate-obsessed school girl, the attractive one, the nerd, the cool guy and the other girl, as they shall henceforth be known. After heading out into the woods to fish for trout, they are soon attacked by zombies and their truck stolen. They make their way to. Nearby village where almost everybody in town has now become a zombie, but thankfully (or not) they are saved by the mad scientist residing there. Soon we’re deep into a plot that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, involving parasites infecting innocents and turning them into zombies, just so a girl with leukaemia can survive a bit longer. Things get really weird in the final act, but to go into any detail would ruin the surprise.

Now there's something you don't see every day... — Now there’s something you don’t see every day…

An almost excessive amount of time early on sees a woman squatting over a hole in the ground trying to defecate, as a zombie appears from said hole, covered in faeces, and starts slapping her on the backside. This isn’t any old zombie – he’s quite the randy type, fixating on her cleavage rather than trying to eat her brains or flesh. This begins a nearly OTT obsession with bottoms – there’s at least three on show at various points, and for reasons that become clear, are somehow a focal point for part of the story. It does fit in with the Japanese worldview, one that is often understandably odd to us Western types. It’s twisted even by their own very peculiar standards – how many other films have you seen a parade of zombies bent over, their parasites sticking out of their backsides, giving chase after two of the surviving characters? It’s a first in my book.

It’s not big and it’s not clever, but as a standard, if slightly mad, splatter-fest then it does exactly what it says on the tin. Other than the faeces-covered zombies there’s nothing actually original about the story – if you’ve seen one Japanese comedy horror/zombie film then you’ve seen them all. With that said, if you ever wanted to see a film featuring parasite-infected zombies obsessed with touching up good looking women and attacking the living – bums first – then this is the film for you, otherwise it’s probably best it you stick with standard zombie films and avoid Japanese films as the cheese-induced nightmares that they feel like.

Favourite scene: The final showdown. It’s gas powered…

Quote: “I killed him with my butt!”

Silly Moment: Zombies covered in faecal matter…

Score: 3/5

Ooga Booga (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-12-27

Your only reason for watching Ooga Booga.

Twitter Plot Summary: An innocent man is shot by police and is resurrected in an African tribal doll to seek revenge.

Genre: Comedy/Fantasy/Horror

Director: Charles Band

Key Cast: Karen Black, Gregory Blair, Ciarra Carter, Stacy Keach, Gregory Niebel, Siri, Charles Hutchins, Dallas James, Kyle Quesnoy, Wade F Wilson

Five Point Summary:

1. Worst. Acting. Ever.
2. So apparently all us white folks are racist.
3. She’s just been raped – I would expect for her to be upset at least. Nope, nothing.
4. Random topless woman. No reason for it either.
5. Justice is served. Finally. We can all go home now.

The trailer made it seem like Ooga Booga was going to be massive amounts of fun, a tale of a man killed whilst harmlessly shopping in a local convenience store and resurrected in the form of a six inch tall voodoo doll to seek revenge. Yes, I realise that sounds silly, but that was where the enjoyment was supposedly going to come from. As it happens the trailer was the only worthwhile aspect of the whole endeavour. It’s linked at the end of this review, take a look and don’t be tempted to watch any more than that. Why? Well let me list the reasons.

First is an obvious one. Apparently, according to this film at least, all white people are racists, constantly putting down anybody of any other ethnicity, and in some cases shooting them dead because they are assumed to be the robber and not an innocent bystander. Devin is shot down by the white cops for being at the scene of the crime – without being threatening in the slightest. Yes, so clearly this gentile man is the killer. Of course. There’s also one scene where Devin’s girlfriend is raped by a group of the villains, and then in the very next scene goes on with her life as if nothing has happened. Indeed, it’s not mentioned again and the story moves on as if the rape was a culled plot idea that they didn’t actually cull. Instead she just vows to help Devin get revenge on those who killed him – no emotional scars whatsoever.

Revenge is a dish best served cold. Or something.

Then there’s Stacy Keach. The man deserves far better than this, and I can only assume he took the job because he needed a break from doing voiceovers from the Twilight Zone radio series. Karen Black also makes an appearance in one of her last film roles, and she only seems to be present in order to pay homage to her role in 1975’s Trilogy of Terror where she was terrorised by an African tribal doll. Everybody else involved in this production are not noteworthy, suffice to say every other role is badly acted and contains no subtlety or nuance. The same goes for the script, why use subtlety when you can slap the audience in the face over and over again?

So we end up back where we started. The trailer. The Ooga Booga doll and his revenge quest are the only things worth seeing in this horrible, horrible movie. It’s one ignominy piled on top of another. If there was more of Ooga Booga and less of everything else – and I literally mean everything else – then it perhaps would be tolerable. Racism, bad acting, a bad script and a lack of coherence all stand against it. Thus, seeing as almost all of Ooga Booga’s moments are in the trailer, just stick with that and don’t make yourself sit through the full movie. Trust me, despite the fun implied by the trailer it really isn’t worth any more of your time.

Favourite scene: Ooga Booga gets revenge on Judge Marks

Quote: “What are you, some sort of niglet hatchling?”

Silly Moment: A woman gets raped, then doesn’t seem to care about it mere moments later?

Score: 0.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTUjmBpmjW8

The Wedding Singer (1998)

Simon Prior

2013-12-26

It was the 80s. Fashion was non-existent.

Twitter Plot Summary: Wedding Singer + Waitress + 1985 setting = inevitable rom-com.

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Director: Frank Coraci

Key Cast: Adam Sandler, Drew Barrymore, Steve Buscemi, Christine Taylor, Allen Covert, Matthew Glave, Angela Featherstone, Christina Pickles, Alexis Arquette, Jon Lovitz, Billy Idol

Five Point Summary:

1. Steve Buscemi is always a winner, even when uncredited.
2. I’ve just realised how bad Drew Barrymore is at acting. Oh my.
3. Nice Michael Jackson costume, guy.
4. Slime-ball. That is all.
5. Billy Idol. Awesomeness.

The year is 1985, an era of big hair, cheesy pop tunes and more big hair. Robbie is a wedding singer who’s due to marry the love of his life next week. But that doesn’t work out for reasons that will become apparent. Meanwhile waitress Julia is also due to marry her beau, Glenn. He’s a bit of a lad, so you know precisely where that is leading. Despite the fact Drew Barrymore is mostly irritating as Julia, Robbie seems to have some chemistry with her, ultimately leading to an entirely expected rom-com plot where in essence a relationship forms by proxy. This apparent chemistry between Sandler and Barrymore has led to them appearing in several more similarly themed movies over the years, but The Wedding Singer is the best of that particular bunch.

The Wedding Singer marks a period in Adam Sandler’s career where his movies were frequent and mostly decent. As far as his more recent material goes I don’t think he’s the problem, I think it’s more to do with the material and perhaps a change in how an audience appreciates its comedy. Here the right balance is found between laughs and the emotional core, the joining together of two people who are meant for each other. Some of the best jokes are actually in the cutaways or happening off camera. Steve Buscemi has some excellent asides in the opening wedding scene, Robbie’s brother-in-law watering the front lawn has a couple of crackers, and even Jon Lovitz lurking behind the curtain – all laugh out loud moments. The plotting is perhaps a little too convenient, in particular the final flight that conveniently places the necessary characters on the same flight with Billy Idol, but in the grand scheme of things it’s a minor issue. Within the realms of rom-com tropes, it’s already established so to complain about convenient plotting would be churlish.

You know exactly where the story is going from page 1, but it’s that old adage of enjoying the ride rather than worrying about the plot. The entertainment comes from the various roadblocks put in place that prevents the couple from getting together until the final act. The supporting characters include Robbie’s womanising best friend Sammy who provides a counterpoint to Robbie’s world view; there’s Julia’s sister Holly who is portrayed in a similar light to Sammy; then there’s the respective other halves of Julia and Robbie, Glenn and Linda. Both are nasty and selfish, just in case we had any doubts as to whether or not Robbie and Julia should hook up.

The soundtrack is an 80s cheese-fest, perfect for those who are nostalgic at heart or who are particularly fond of 80s pop. Hearing a string version of Don’t Stop Believin’ by Journey would make it worthwhile either way, but the rest of the soundtrack is worthy of your time. There are the obvious tracks in the foreground, but there’s great pleasure to be found in the songs used in the background of scenes too. It’s wall to wall 80s goodness. Well, except for the fashion of course, but then 30 years of hindsight will have that effect.

Favourite scene: Meeting Billy Idol on the plane.

Quote: “All right, remember – alcohol equals puke equals smelly mess equals nobody likes you!”

Silly Moment: Jon Lovitz singing.

Score: 3.5/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_bhU3NsCIDs

Following (1998)

Simon Prior

2013-12-25

It's not at all obvious that he's following him, is it? — It’s not at all obvious that he’s following him, is it?

Twitter Plot Summary: A writer follows other people to generate material for his writing, and recounts his meeting with a thief.

Genre: Crime/Drama/Mystery/Thriller

Director: Christopher Nolan

Key Cast: Jeremy Theobald, Alex How, Lucy Russell, John Nolan, Dick Bradsell

Five Point Summary:

1. It’s in Academy ratio (1.37:1)! It’s like I’m stuck in 1932!
2. He’s a very well-spoken thief.
3. The most laid-back burglaries you will ever see.
4. Come and see the violence inherent in the system!
5. Starting to make sense, but with shades of Fight Club.

Christopher Nolan’s feature length debut is a black and white tale of a man who, in a quest to create characters to spur his writing career, randomly follows strangers just to see where they go. Before long he removes the random element and starts following specific targets. Then one target, Cobb, notices that he’s being followed and decides to show his stalker a life of crime. Eventually we discover that The Young Man and Cobb are in over their heads with some shady criminals who seem to take the whole criminal life a touch more seriously. There’s also a love triangle between Cobb, The Young Man and The Blonde, further complicating matters. It’s all played in a low-key manner, maintaining realism given the chosen professions of Cobb and The Blonde. As a writer, The Young Man really should know better.

Nolan chose a flashback-style narrative where we see The Young Man recount his fascination with following people and how it all went wrong. Compared to his later work, and even compared to his second film Memento, it’s a little rough around the edges – it’s even shot in the Academy aspect ratio which is a little disconcerting at first. The black and white, film noir styling makes up for the lack of budget, the non-linear narrative hiding the fact the film was shot over the course of a year due to the cast and crew having full time day jobs. As a debut feature it’s competent but not spectacular, a sign of things to come if nothing else. When the plot gets muddled and answers aren’t forthcoming until the final act, it’s a brave decision for a director to make with their first film by relying on the audience to piece everything together.

They soon realised that breaking into Bruce Wayne's London pad was a bad idea. — They soon realised that breaking into Bruce Wayne’s London pad was a bad idea.

The crimes themselves, unfortunately, lack any drama. Whilst it’s easy to take into account the lack of budget, this doesn’t distract from the almost too casual approach that Cobb and The Young Man have to their life of crime. Maybe this is down to the inexperienced actors, or perhaps it’s a deliberate move on the part of Christopher Nolan. Either way, it doesn’t sit well with the remainder of the story which has a more deliberate, harder edge to it, a glimpse into the shady underworld of the criminal fraternity. This is emphasised as they get further and further into the mire and violence becomes a frequent occurrence. The method of Cobb and The Young Man’s burglaries are also somewhat suspect. They don’t just break in – they mess with their victim’s heads. Moving an item here, taking an item there – the focus is never on valuable items, it’s all about the sentimental stuff.

By the finale many of the pieces have slotted into place, and whilst it may not be as satisfying a conclusion as the aforementioned Memento, it still packs a punch and does what most of Nolan’s movies have since demonstrated – it leaves the audience asking questions after it has ended, and leaves some doubt as to what we’ve seen and what actually took place.

Favourite scene: Everything slots into place in the final scene.

Quote: “When I started to follow people, specific people, when I selected a person to follow, that’s when the trouble started.”

Silly Moment: The very casual way they break into houses. Almost too casual.

Score: 3.5/5

xXx (2002)

Simon Prior

2013-12-24

Samuel L Jackson always put potential recruits through the "double cheeseburger" test. — Samuel L Jackson always put potential recruits through the “double cheeseburger” test.

Twitter Plot Summary: The US government pull in an adrenaline junkie and send him on a super sensitive mission.

Genre: Action/Thriller

Director: Rob Cohen

Key Cast: Vin Diesel, Asia Argento, Samuel L Jackson, Marton Csokas, Michael Roof, Werner Daehn, Danny Trejo

Five Point Summary:

1. Rammstein. Now that’s how you start an action movie.
2. Danny Trejo makes a typically stylish arrival. And exit.
3. Ooh, he might have been made alrea… never mind.
4. Now he’s been made.
5. He seriously got the hit from that distance?

Vin Diesel was hot property back in the early Noughties. After the success of The Fast and The Furious he was given his first stab at top billing in xXx, reuniting with Fast… director Rob Cohen to tell the story of Xander Cage, an extreme sports enthusiast who, despite frequently finding himself on the wrong side of the law, is recruited by the NSA to go undercover on a top secret assignment. From this point forward he wears a ridiculous fur coat, drives fast cars and has a little love story going on with Asia Argento’s Yelena.

In true silly action movie tradition, things blow up with reckless abandon, gravity is defied by Vin Diesel’s amazing flying motorbike (it’s not actually a flying motorbike…), and all of the most ridiculous aspects of the James Bond franchise are trotted out in what feels like a modern day greatest hits collection. Sharp shooting over a great distance, dangerous things that are about to go boom, and so on. In fact the the only place the Bond comparison falls flat is with the villain, Yorgi. He’s got no defining characteristics other than being the head of a criminal organisation, but it’s the fact he doesn’t do anything specifically unpleasant that makes him so unforgettable. Yes he has a very evil plan, but then they all have that in common. If he had a robotic eye or something then maybe he’d be more memorable.

It’s also blatantly obvious that hiring a man who likes to live on the wrong side of the law and asking him to do the right thing has never been a good idea in the history of cinema. Even so, the NSA still recruit Cage despite the fact he’s a loose cannon. You could argue that he’s hired exactly because he’s a loose cannon, doing anything he can within or outside of the law in order to get the job done. Either way, whilst it makes for an entertaining story, it would not make much sense in the real world. In fairness too, the man who hires Cage is none other than Samuel L Jackson, so perhaps that’s a point not worth dwelling over.

He always kept his weapons in the closet next to the kitchen.

That’s not to say it’s a bad film – far from it. The insanity of it is where the appeal lies. That and the appearance of Rammstein in the opening sequence, which is never a bad thing. Their extravagant stage show is fitting for such an OTT story and gets proceedings off to an explosive start, no pun intended. There’s also the brief cameo from Danny Trejo, who is a welcome presence but doesn’t overstay his welcome. Perhaps that’s the best place for him, to be a cameo machine? It certainly worked in Breaking Bad…

As a throwaway action film then it’s perfectly fine. Much like the majority of action films to be completely honest. It might have enough legs to be considered a cult classic, but otherwise it’s a disposable action romp that steals all of its ideas from other, more successful action romps.

Favourite scene: Danny Trejo pops up to dish out some old fashioned torture.

Quote: “You know, if you’re gonna ask someone to save the world, you’d better make sure they like it the way it is.”

Silly Moment: Vin Diesel’s amazing flying bike.

Score: 3/5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dKtArxTOm-w

Taxi 3 (2003)

Simon Prior

2013-12-23

Twitter Plot Summary: More shenanigans for Daniel and Emilien, this time with a gang dressed as Santa Claus.

Genre: Action/Comedy

Director: Gerard Krawczyk

Key Cast: Sammy Naceri, Frederic Diefenthal, Bernard Farcy, Bai Ling, Marion Cotillard, Edouard Montoute, Emma Wiklund, Jean-Christophe Bouvet

Five Point Summary:

1. Spoof Bond intro sequence and a Stallone cameo. Me like.
2. Are we supposed to believe he honestly didn’t notice she was 8 months pregnant?
3. She’s clearly up to no good…
4. That’s a bit extreme, using that wrecking ball on a man.
5. A trip to the mountains. Just because.

Things were starting to wear a little thin by the time we received Taxi 3. We’re quickly reintroduced to turbo-boosted taxi driver Daniel and police officer Emilien, who are now despite logic dictating otherwise, in relationships with Lilly and Petra respectively. The core theme is one of growing up, taking responsibility and parenthood, as both couples discover that babies are either due very shortly, or will be making an appearance in a few months. Whilst this domestic storyline takes place, the police are attempting to track down the Santa Claus gang, a group of criminals who dress up, surprisingly enough, as Santa Claus whilst committing crimes. All of the old faces are back, including a young Marion Cotillard as Lilly, making her final appearance in the series. We’re also introduced to Bai Ling’s Qiu, a reporter who is clearly up to no good as she worms her way around the Inspector Clouseau-esque bumblings of Commissaire Gilbert.

The Taxi series will never be known as anything more than moderately entertaining Euro cinema, and that’s precisely where this third film ends up. Allowances could be made for the first two films as they maintained the character relationships with a story that was not realistic per se, but at least made a bit more sense than the one we’re given here. The Santa Claus gang idea is a good one but it actually serves no purpose to the main story, which is the development of Daniel and Emilien’s personal lives. It seems to be an excuse to head up into the French Alps and film some stuff on location up there. Still, despite the poor efforts made in terms of the crime story, there are at least several moments that are amusing, if not laugh out loud funny. They do at least have the ability to make a joke about how racist the French are, specifically when black cop Alain tries to commandeer a vehicle and is instead run down by the driver. Before anyone claims that this sounds horrific, note that he jumps straight back up again – a very clever use of slapstick humour that makes a political point at the same time.

The Santa Claus look was all the rage in Paris. — The Santa Claus look was all the rage in trendy Marseille.

There’s a nice surprise at the beginning of the film with a totally unexpected cameo from Sylvester Stallone. Why he specifically is in the film isn’t clear (maybe he owed someone money), but it’s a sequence that reintroduces Daniel’s super-charged taxi and also spoofs the James Bond franchise at the same time The opening credits sequence continues this homage before we get into the film proper. Thereafter it’s hit and miss, some good jokes lost in a weak script. The action set pieces are nicely done, but are a far cry of those used for the first two movies. You can also tell when a franchise is losing its way when the vehicle is modified to suit the needs of the story rather than vice versa. Subsequently the taxi now has the ability to use skis. That noise you can hear is a franchise scraping the bottom of the barrel.

Favourite scene: The black cop gets run down trying to requisition a civilian vehicle, because he’s black and a cop.

Quote: “Do you know how to ski?”  “No, I know how to drive.”

Silly Moment: The car has snow tracks. Go figure.

Score: 2.5/5

Walking With Dinosaurs: The Movie (2013)

Simon Prior

2013-12-22

You can tell him apart from the others because he has a hole in his head. Er, that's it. — You can tell him apart from the others because he has a hole in his head. Er, that’s it.

Twitter Plot Summary: The BBC TV series gets a big screen makeover, now with dinosaur dialogue!

Genre: Animation/Action/Family

Director: Barry Cook, Neil Nightingale

Key Cast: Justin Long, Karl Urban, Charlie Rowe, John Leguizamo, Tiya Sircar, Skyler Stone

Five Point Summary:

1. Ooh look, Karl Urban!
2. Fire!
3. Laughing at Gorgosaurus and its tiny arms.
4. Walking with dinosaurs… on ice?
5. A lucky break.

Walking With Dinosaurs was a groundbreaking BBC television series narrated with some style and sophistication by Kenneth Branagh. Walking With Dinosaurs The Movie takes the core concept of that series – filming real world locations and then adding CGI dinosaurs – and runs off in a completely different direction. These dinosaurs now have the ability to speak, although their mouths never move to the dialogue so it’s a little disconcerting to watch at first. Still, at least the real world locations used look amazing, as do the CGI dinosaurs added to the settings, for the most part. Repeating multiple shots of the same bird in flight does little to improve matters.

Thankfully there is plenty of amusement in the form of John Leguizamo’s prehistoric parrot Alex, a wisecracking bird who also co-narrates the story alongside Justin Long’s Pachi. Alex’s high point is a scientific breakdown of the strength and power of a Gorgasaurus which results in Alex breaking down into uncontrollable laughter when he starts discussing the Gorgo’s incredibly tiny arms. Pachi is the runt of a litter of Pachyrhinosaurus – a bit like a Triceratops for those who’s knowledge of dinosaurs is limited – and the story follows him as he learns the ways of the world (death, migration, more death) and grows to become a leader within his herd and seeks the love of Juniper, a Pachyrhinosaurus from another herd. This is where the film falls flat – if you’re going to do a Land Before Time style story, you need to at least to have characters you care about. In this case the characters are, Alex’s wisecracks aside, mostly superfluous and the story doesn’t engage you emotionally. If we cared about the characters then it would be a different film entirely, and that seems to be the mark they were aiming for. Sadly, it falls far short.

Alex (the bird) is the only reason to watch the film.

It’s all contained within a rather needless framing story where paleontologist Karl Urban (sorry, what?! Did he have a spare day to shoot this or something?) takes his niece and nephew out to a dig site where he had previously found a fossilised dinosaur tooth. His niece wonders what happened to the dinosaur that lost the tooth, and needless to say we find out. It’s watchable, but nothing anywhere near as groundbreaking as the series that spawned it. The science aspect isn’t put over as well as it could have been, and it would have clearly been a better received film if it had at least followed the same template as the TV series. Still, it does at least put focus on a different bunch of dinosaurs than we’re used to seeing on the big screen, so for that it should be commended. With that said however, the ones we do get to experience are essentially variations on the theme. As discussed above, a Pachyrhinosaurus looks a bit like a Triceratops, the Gorgasaurus looks a bit like a T-Rex, and so on. The other aspect to keep in mind is that research into dinosaurs is constantly evolving, so much of what features here was already out of date some time ago.

Favourite scene: Alex rips into the Gorgosaurus and his tiny arms.

Quote: “Lumber like the wind!”

Silly Moment: They’re talking but their mouths aren’t moving!

Score: 2.5/5

A Knight’s Tale (2001)

Simon Prior

2013-12-21

The plans for Reservoir Dogs: Medieval Edition were quickly shelved.

Twitter Plot Summary: William, a peasant squire, takes his dead master’s armour and seeks fortune and glory in the world of jousting.

Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama/Romance

Director: Brian Helgeland

Key Cast: Heath Ledger, Mark Addy, Alan Tudyk, Rufus Sewell, Paul Bettany, James Purefoy, Shannyn Sossamon, Laura Fraser, Berenice Bejo, Christophre Cazenove, Steven O’Donnell

Five Point Summary:

1. Queen in Medieval times? Oh hell yeah.
2. Training montage!
3. Did he just say he was going to see a man about a dog? Hah.
4. Obligatory villain “practising sword-fighting without his top on” scene.
5. And the even more obligatory final, almost impossible showdown with said villain.

A Knight’s Tale stars Heath Ledger, sporting his best English accent and is another example of what the acting world has lost – an incredible talent. Taking us back to the world of jousting, honour, and a lack of fresh running water, we join squires William (Ledger), Roland (Addy) and Wat (Tudyk) moments after their lord has died in his armour. Realising that they can make a bit of money out of the whole jousting thing, William dons the armour of his lord and takes his place in the arena. Naturally, he’s not very good to begin with, but after a fun training montage he has all the necessary skills in which to compete. He’s also a dab hand in a sword fight. Rather handy traits to have. In their bid to finally get back to England (they’re in France, as it happens), the group follow the jousting circuit as it slowly winds its way north.

Concessions have to be made of course in some areas. Villain Count Adhemar is a barely drawn character, villainous for villainy’s sake. He’s easily defined as the bad guy because he’s the one who dresses in black the entire time. Our troupe of heroes are more clearly defined – William is the young man who’s father sent him away as a child to seek his fortune – the economy apparently hasn’t improved much since the medieval period. Sidekicks Roland and Wat have little depth beyond being incredibly loyal to William, but both Mark Addy and Alan Tudyk put enough into them to at least make them a fun presence. The real fun comes from Paul Bettany’s Chaucer, a man with a gambling problem but an incredible talent with words. Such a talent in fact that he is able to build up William’s public appearance simply through is wordy and verbose descriptions of him before every jousting tournament. Chaucer is by far the funniest character of the bunch and Bettany clearly has a good time playing him. The only remaining character in the group is Laura Fraser’s Kate, a female blacksmith. Unfortunately she’s nowhere near as developed a character as her Lydia from Breaking Bad, so her only real contribution to the story is fancy armour for William and teaching him how to dance. No barriers are being broken down here.

Guess which one's the bad guy? Clue: he and his horse are dressed all in black. — Guess which one’s the bad guy? Clue: he and his horse are dressed all in black.

Whilst Adhemar is busy plotting evils against our William, the main theme is that you don’t have to be born into power in order to be a noble and brave person. Pretty standard stuff in that respect, but it’s not something we’re bludgeoned over the head with. William finds love with the regal Jocelyn, although this is complicated by Adhemar’s slimy advances on her. It’s further complicated by William’s complete lack of understanding with how women work – first she wants him to fight, then she doesn’t, then she does, etc. Sounds like too much hard work to be honest… It might not be historically accurate, but it’s a lot of fun and captures the feeling of how jousting was looked upon in the medieval era, the equivalent to a rock concert today. Rather cannily director Brian Helgeland uses modern music (including the regal majesty that is Queen) to enforce on modern audiences the emotional reactions of those living in that era of history. If nothing else it’s great to see a “medieval” audience rocking along to We Will Rock You. This film also emphasises how ginger Alan Tudyk really is. Seriously, it’s a scarily red mop of hair atop his bonce, so it is.

Favourite scene: Chaucer’s verbose introduction of William to the masses.

Quote: “We’re the sons of peasants. Glory, and riches, and stars are beyond our grasps. But a full stomach, that dream can come true.”

Silly Moment: Chaucer’s propensity for nudity, intended or otherwise.

Score: 3.5/5

French Connection II (1975)

Simon Prior

2013-12-20

Doyle didn't try and stop her stealing his watch because he knew it hadn't worked since 1971. — Doyle didn’t try and stop her stealing his watch because he knew it hadn’t worked since 1971.

Twitter Plot Summary: Popeye Doyle heads to France to track down the man who eluded him in the US.

Genre: Action/Crime/Drama/Thriller

Director: John Frankenheimer

Key Cast: Gene Hackman, Fernando Rey, Bernard Fresson, Ed Lauter, Phillippe Leotard, Charles Millot

Five Point Summary:

1. An American in France? It’ll never catch on.
2. Assault on the Dutch ship.
3. Doyle is forced to take heroin.
4. Time to detox.
5. Let the final showdown commence!

Continuing some time after the events of The French Connection, Popeye Doyle heads over to France in his ongoing quest to catch his nemesis Charnier. The tricksy Frenchman is still peddling drugs and Doyle isn’t happy that the man escaped his grasp, so the only thing he can do is head into unfamiliar territory to track down his man. On that note, was any explanation provided for the gunshot heard at the end of the first movie? Nope, let’s just gloss over any apparently minor points like that and get on with Doyle wandering around Marseille like a confused child and shouting at people.

In what may seem an apocryphal notion, French Connection 2 feels like a better film than the original, replacing the numerous scenes of people running from place to place with a deep character study of Doyle himself. None more so than when, after being captured by Charnier and drugged up to his eyeballs, Doyle then has to go cold turkey in order to get the drugs out of his system. This gives Hackman a vast amount of acting range to play with, going from quietly spoken to rage in an instant. It does however verge on caricature for the character. He’s a fish out of water in France, barely able to put three words together in French and would have perhaps been better served staying in New York and following up the case there. Given his loose cannon approach to policing it seems strange that he would be allowed to go to France on the case, let alone without any back-up from his own force. Just to emphasise the silliness of this point, he’s followed around by a couple of plain clothes police officers, so it really does make you wonder why he’s even there in the first place.

Doyle didn't react well to being told that he could never leave Marseille. — Doyle didn’t react well to being told that he could never leave Marseille.

Whilst we get a tour de force piece of acting from Hackman, the plot really isn’t up to much, leaving very little time for the story to reach a resolution but does at least finish in the same manner as the first film. That is, it ends quite suddenly. The remainder of the plot other than Doyle’s quite lengthy period of time going cold turkey, doesn’t add much to the mix. There are a couple of stand-out sequences though, specifically where Doyle and the French police attempt to catch Charnier in the act at the Dutch ship that is ferrying the drugs for him – water pumps are used to great effect and an epic shoot-out between the police and Charnier’s men takes place – and the final sequence where Doyle gives chase after Charnier and leads to the epic closing shot. Earlier I said that the number of scenes of people running has been reduced compared to the first film. This is true, however it seems that there’s the same amount of running but condensed into a single sequence. It’s a tense and entertaining sequence as Doyle tracks Charnier through the streets of Marseille as they both run for what seems like an age, and is a fitting end to the film and the ongoing storyline.

Favourite scene: The final chase sequence as Doyle tracks Charnier on foot throughout Marseille.

Quote: “I’ll tell you what I found out. I found out that you eat shit, you fucking frog, you! You goddamn scumbag, you!”

Silly Moment: Doyle goes cold turkey, and shouts at people a bit more than usual.

Score: 3.5/5

Berberian Sound Studio (2012)

Simon Prior

2013-12-19

"No love, the mic's over here." — “No love, the mic’s over here.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Work on an Italian horror film has an effect on the mental health of sheltered sound effects creator Toby Jones.

Genre: Drama/Horror/Thriller

Director: Peter Strickland

Key Cast: Toby Jones, Cosimo Fusco, Antonio Mancino, Fatma Mohamed, Chiara D’Anna, Tonia Sotiropoulou, Eufenia Caruso, Susanna Cappellaro, Lara Parmiani

Five Point Summary:

1. An Englishman abroad. An odd looking one at that.
2. So… he still lives with his mum/parents?
3. Recurring spider theme and recurring mouldy vegetables…
4. Now that’s a lot of unspooled tape!
5. It’s all gone a bit meta. How peculiar.

There have been many a film made about the process of making movies, some of which dramatise actual events whilst others create a fictional account of the process. Berberian Sound Studio is in the latter camp, as Toby Jones’ very British sound effects chap Gilderoy, very much an outsider in every sense of the word, heads over to Italy to record foley/sound effects for an Italian horror flick – and it is a horror flick, don’t pay attention to what they say in the film. Horror isn’t a dirty word. Gilderoy is a middle aged man, living at home with his parents (or at the very least his mum. Apparently.), and is a stranger in a strange land, equal parts bemused and determined to do the job well.

Gradually we get hints that all is not well in Gilderoy’s world. As he completes more work on the film’s sound effects the line begins to blur between reality and the film he’s dubbing. It’s primarily psychological though, so don’t expect lashings of 70s horror because if that’s what you expect then this isn’t the film for you. What works incredibly well is the subtle transition that plays out in Gilderoy by the film’s end, appearing in a horror movie of his own creation, aided by a subtle and nuanced performance from Toby Jones.

Gilderoy didn't know what to make of this new "heavy metal" music. — Gilderoy didn’t know what to make of this new “heavy metal” music.

For a film thats main focus is the creation of sound effects for another movie, the sound design is thankfully excellent. This is a relief, because otherwise it would be a much harder film to appreciate. It might also ruin the magic of cinema for people not interested in the behind the scenes process, so I certainly can’t recommend it on that front. It’s also tricky to recommend if you see no entertainment value in watching actors dub a film or foley artists chop up melons in a studio, but for everybody else it’s a clear love letter to the process of sound design and the film making process in general. There’s a clear route into the film for fans of Italian horror movies as well, playing up every trope and established stereotype that the genre has to offer. Witches, screaming women, violence, blood, and a plot that doesn’t make much logical sense. For those looking for subtext, the plot of the Italian film within the film has echoes of Gilderoy’s time spent editing it.

Strickland’s direction has a slow and deliberate pace, gently panning across actor’s faces and sound effect breakdown sheets, which sounds boring on paper but is actually well presented in reality. Despite the relatively plain setting, albeit heavy on the 70s brown/orange decor, this languid style generates a sense of otherworldliness, emphasised to an extent by the constant repetition of certain visual motifs – the spiders, the mouldy vegetables, the frequent pans across and away from the red “Silenzio” recording sign.

Of course, the real point to take into consideration is that softly spoken, sheltered Englishmen should not be foley artists on Italian horror films – no good will come of it.

Favourite scene: *spoilers…* The film breaks and everything goes a bit meta and a tiny bit weird.

Quote: “Be careful of that girl – there’s poison in those tits of hers.”

Silly Moment: Toby Jones trying to be angry. And it doesn’t really work.

Score: 4/5

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