The Entity (1982)

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2015-08-03

That was... electric. — That was… electric.

Twitter Plot Summary: A woman is touched up by an aroused spirit. Quite a lot.

Based on the supposedly true story of Carla Moran (you can almost smell the cynicism already), a woman who has, in her own words, been assaulted by a spectral menace consistently for the last 30 years, this is a horror movie adaptation of her story. In reality it might seem a little far-fetched, but in movie terms it makes for an entertaining horror story if nothing else.

Barbara Hershey plays Moran, who lives with her teenage son and two younger daughters. One day she is physically assaulted by an invisible force that leaves physical marks on her person. The attacks gradually grow more violent and more frequent until she seeks help and the scepticism of the medical profession.

Despite the fact the spectre is an unseen attacker, the emotional trauma of the attacks is more than ably carried by Hershey. She portrays a woman who is unable to fully comprehend what is happening to her, her frustration and weariness as the attacks continue becoming all the more apparent. Naturally, the authorities don’t believe a word she has to say, and it’s only through a chance encounter with Dr Phil Schneiderman (Ron Silver) that any serious effort is made to bring the attacks to a close. Everyone else, quite rightfully at first, is of the opinion that she may have mental health problems until the attacks and demonic presence is seen/felt by other people around her. Suffice to say, Hershey is the best thing about the film, an emotionally vulnerable performance mixed with genuine puzzlement as to why she specifically is being targeted.

"Just touch my beard. Go on, touch it." — “Just touch my beard. Go on, touch it.”

She’s supported by impressive special effects, more so because this is the era before computer generated effects came into play. The demon, despite never being seen, feels like a genuine presence thanks to the clever use of compressed air to show it touching Moran’s body. It’s less powerful when the demon is given visible form, but these moments are infrequent and do little to ruin the solid efforts of the practical effects team.

There isn’t enough variation in the attacks for their repeated use to have increased impact, instead they become less shocking with each passing moment through overuse and lack of imagination. The final act also takes a turn for the silly as the scientific group investigating the disturbances try and capture the demonic spirit in a replica house. Up until that point it’s quite an interesting feature, but it’s like the writer Frank De Felitta literally wrote himself into a corner and couldn’t work out where to go next.

If you took away Hershey’s performance and the effects, this would be just another schlock supernatural horror movie amongst many. Instead it’s elevated above that categorisation on the strength of those two positive points. If it hadn’t have focused so much on Moran’s supposed real life experiences and made an effort to branch out along its own, less silly path, then this could have been a far superior effort than was ultimately provided. With that said, it’s still a far sight better than most of the horror films made in that decade.

Score: 2.5/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uKqh5bo-dFo

Poltergeist (2015)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-08-01

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Yet another episode of America's Got Talent was enough to cause fear. — Yet another episode of America’s Got Talent was enough to cause fear.

Twitter Plot Summary: A family are beset by ghostly goings on when they move to a new home that used to be the site of a graveyard.

I’ll be honest up front. I haven’t seen the original Poltergeist yet. In one respect this is perhaps a good thing as I went into this remake with no expectations and could assess the film on its own merits. On paper it sounds like a good mixture of supernatural goings on and solid casting – Sam Rockwell and Jared Harris are always a reliable presence, and thankfully the child actors aren’t irritating. Where this modern version of Poltergeist falls flat though is that it lacks a purpose, an underlying edge to make it stand out on its own. Instead what we have is a generic ghost story that rarely has the conviction to break away from the pack and be its own thing.

The Bowen family are on hard times. Mother Amy (DeWitt) is an author but is currently taking time out to raise three kids, while father Eric (Rockwell) has recently been laid off and is looking for work. Ignoring the fact that despite their dire financial circumstances they’re still able to buy a really big house, you wouldn’t expect things to get much worse. Then after a number of strange incidents with the electricity supply, their youngest daughter is pulled into a strange netherworld that sits alongside our own, where the souls of the dead reside in purgatory. They really shouldn’t have built this new estate on top of a former cemetery.

Much of the narrative is carried by the reactions of Rockwell and DeWitt as the two shell-shocked parents, which is a good thing given that the plot as presented doesn’t give us much to work with. Events move along at a pace that is all too fast, barely giving you time to register what is happening before the paranormal investigators are called in and the true extent of the situation is revealed by Jared Harris’ “Most Haunted” style television host.

Possibly the best part of the film. Possibly.

It’s a shame that the story isn’t as developed as it should have been, because everything leading up to Maddie’s abduction is handled well and provides a decent amount of creepy moments. If you’re not a fan of clowns then you’ll probably want to give this one a miss. There’s a lot of good visual effects work too, in particular the iconic TV screen sequence and the representation of the spirits in the other realm. But, again, you end up clamouring for more as the final result is little more than a drip feed of good moments.

It would have helped immensely if efforts had been made to make this a commentary on consumerism and perhaps tied to the recent global financial crisis. Instead, there are a couple of scenes that reference consumer culture – purchasing expensive gifts and a drone, the eldest daughter insisting that she has a mobile phone because it’s a basic right these days – but otherwise there’s nothing. A missed opportunity there I think.

I’ll be moving onto the original Poltergeist soon enough so I can collect my thoughts and compare the two, but when considered in isolation the 2015 Poltergeist is a decent effort but isn’t something that you are likely to return to, especially when you still have the option to watch the original.

Score: 2/5

Cold Comes The Night (2013)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-31

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Twitter Plot Summary: A nearly blind courier joins forces with a single mother after his associate is murdered at her motel.

Starring Walter White himself, Bryan Cranston, target of geek adoration Alice Eve (following her appearance in Star Trek Into Darkness in not much more than her underwear) and the once and future Penguin (Gotham’s Robin Lord Taylor), Cold Comes The Night tells the story of motel owner Chloe (Eve) who is faced with the forced relocation of her daughter if she is not able to find an alternative place to live. The motel is, to borrow a phrase from Star Wars, a hive of scum and villainy (mostly prostitution) and clearly not the kind of place to be raising a child.

Cranston meanwhile is Topo, a Polish career criminal with failing eyesight who needs to reclaim the money recently misplaced following his most recent job. Chloe becomes his eyes in this quest, and a strange bond begins to form between them. Nothing much closer than one of professional respect, but ultimately proves to be a beneficial thing for both of them, at least in the short term.

The slow pace puts the emphasis on character rather than action, and that is the film’s selling point – besides Bryan Cranston, of course. Both of the main characters are trapped by their circumstances – Chloe with a hotel that she can’t escape from without serious capital investment, and Topo likely to lose his livelihood thanks to his failing eyesight. Both of them are similarly under pressure from the people around them – she from a social worker threatening to take her daughter away, and he from the men he owes money to. Into this mix is crooked cop Billy (an intense Logan Marshall-Green) who has a business interest in the motel (read: he’s a pimp) and doesn’t take kindly to both Chloe talking back at him, and Topo’s interference.

"Don't kill me, I'm just a poor man's Aaron Paul!" — “Don’t kill me, I’m just a poor man’s Aaron Paul!”

While the pace is relatively slow by thriller standards, the few brief action sequences are well structured and sufficiently tense, more so when you consider Topo’s lack of eyesight. He might be old and on his way out, but the man still has mad skills. It might perhaps be best to avoid discussion about Cranston’s accent however, as it isn’t the best. There’s no doubting his performance besides this, however. Alice Eve puts in a good performance as Chloe, ably demonstrating her conflicting emotions and her gradual ascension towards self sufficiency in the face of adversity. It’s as classic a character journey as you’ll ever get.

Meanwhile, the shocks and twists leading into the finale keep things interesting and all narrative threads are tied up nicely. The relationship between Chloe and her daughter Sophia (a solid turn from youngster Ursula Parker) is believable, however the history between Chloe and bent copper Billy could have benefited from a touch more development earlier on in the narrative before expanding out. It would have also been good to see more of the relationship between Chloe and Topo as it doesn’t get nearly as much time as it deserved. Still, what we are presented with is a decent if mostly unspectacular thriller.

Score: 3/5

Bad Boys II (2003)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-30

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Twitter Plot Summary: Mike Lowrey and Marcus Burnett return for more mad adventures trying to stop a Cuban drug lord.

Armed with a bigger budget, better cameras and more wisecracks, Michael Bay returns with Will Smith and Martin Lawrence in tow for another round of shenanigans. This time the wisecrack quota has been increased, the action ramped up, and the explosions unleashed like a caged animal being released into the wild. Welcome to the world of Bad Boys II y’all. Your lives will never be the same again.

What is apparent from the off is that Bay has clearly spent too long watching his own films. The first Bad Boys wasn’t exactly subtle, but Bad Boys II is almost a parody of itself. It manages to steer clear of going completely down that route, but it’s not far off. Suffice to say, the jokes are effective because they’re one brushstroke away from spoofing themselves. In my mind, Mel Brooks is stood just out of frame in every shot of the film, subtly willing them to make things as silly as possible.

The female company isn’t in the same mould as Tea Leoni’s role in the first film, in that case someone who is incapable of protecting herself despite having Master Assassin level skills of sarcasm and running your mouth. Instead we get Marcus’ sister Syd, who is not only an undercover agent with the DEA but is also in a secret relationship with Lowrey. While it’s a step forward as far as gender politics are concerned, Syd is still a female character in a Michael Bay film, so she’s still going to be little else than eye candy and second fiddle to Smith and Lawrence. And, sadly, that proves to be the case.

"How much are we being paid to do this? Oh, that much - great!" — “How much are we being paid to do this? Oh, that much – great!”

But it is in the central characters that the film’s strength really lies. Smith and Lawrence are an entertaining pair, a typical buddy cop formula that they carry off with far more aplomb than the script deserves. Without these two and their bickering, this would be a far poorer film and would have far less to recommend. Bearing in mind that Martin Lawrence has made such tripe as Black Knight and Big Momma’s House in the past, it’s surprising to find him in a half-decent role.

Good job too, because once more the villain is sadly lacking. Jordi Molla does what he can as Johnny Tapia, but he’s yet another nearly invisible presence for the most part. It’s potentially difficult to portray a drug lord as someone with shades of grey to his personality, but someone more like Ed Harris in The Rock would be a good template to use.

What Bay does well, and has always done well, is big dumb action sequences, and Bad Boys II is yet another good example of his skill in this area. It’s a frequent cliche about Bay loving to blow things up, but he does happen to be rather good at it. The sad thing is, as far as he as a filmmaker is concerned, you can’t have the big explosive action without the misogyny and lad’s humour. This is precisely why Bad Boys II is reduced to nothing more than a guilty pleasure at best.

Score: 2.5/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ahJcAG8oLiw

Bad Boys (1995)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-29

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It was the 90s. Let's leave it at that. — It was the 90s. Let’s leave it at that.

Twitter Plot Summary: Bay. Smith. Lawrence. Leoni. The 1990s. Cops. Bad guys. Drugs. Explosions. Someone saying “Lowwwwreeeeeee” a lot.

Michael Bay was at his best in the 90s,and it seems like it’s been a long time since he had a critical rather than a commercial hit. Sure, he may have made billions of dollars from the Transformers franchise, but they are hardly what you would call great. Or good. Or even mildly okay, come to think of it. But then given the amount of money he can make these days, he’s likely not all that bothered about the critical mauling his most recent movies have received.

And so with all of this in mind I decided it was about time I got round to watching Bad Boys, which I admit has been on the list for a while (along with many, many others) but the moment was never right. In my experience you need to be in the right mood for watching a Michael Bay film, otherwise you won’t get much out of it. You could say that Bad Boys is a perfect example of a film which captures this frame of mind.

The story sees cops Mike Lowrey (Will Smith) and Marcus Burnett (Martin Lawrence) try to protect Julie Mott (Tea Leoni) from some gangsters who want her dead after she witnessed a murder first hand. It also proves to be relevant to another investigation they’re completing, regarding stolen heroin.

All of Bay’s usual trademarks are right here – slow motion action sequences, wisecracking, slightly misogynistic humour, fast cars and a plethora of magic hour shots for good measure. It’s less about the presentation though than it is about the buddy bromance between Lowrey and Burnett and their constant bickering. They are at opposite ends of their own little spectrum, and thus a perfect pair of characters to keep an audience entertained.

It lacks punch as it doesn’t have a great villain playing against Smith and Lawrence, although Tcheky Karyo as Fouchet at least looks the part. Leoni meanwhile doesn’t get a great amount of material to work with. Whilst her character is portrayed as somebody who has a bit of backbone to her, she more often than not falls into the old trap of being a damsel in distress. It doesn’t matter how you paint her up as being an independent woman if her only real contribution to the plot is to be a living MacGuffin. In fairness to Bay et al, this was a common issue with many films in the 90s, although sadly we’re still not quite there even today.

It’s not Bay’s best film by any stretch, but it does perfectly represent the era in which it was made and has its fair share of comedic and action elements, with a backdrop of ludicrous explosions and witty banter. If you’re after some typical Bay-related action, and a movie where Martin Lawrence is an enjoyable presence rather than being terribly annoying, then Bad Boys should be your Friday night movie.

More concerning is seeing Joe Pantoliano with a full hair of hair. Most disturbing. Most disturbing indeed.

Score: 3/5

Welcome To The Jungle (2013)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-28

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Van Damme faces off against the only predator capable of taking him on in a straight fight.

Twitter Plot Summary: A team building exercise goes horribly wrong on a tropical island. People go a bit crazy, the good guy gets the girl. The end.

Who wouldn’t want to go on a corporate retreat to a tropical island in the company of Jean-Claude Van Damme? Not with this lot of office-based reprobates, that’s for sure. In a bid to unite the office of an advertising firm, senior manager Dennis Haysbert (still hasn’t improved on his role as President Palmer in 24 in my book) sends them all off to an island on a team building exercise under the care of Storm, a self-parodying performance from Jean-Claude Van Damme. When he’s taken out of the picture after a surprise encounter with a tiger (a particular highlight), this ineffectual bunch of office employees must try and survive long enough to be rescued. What follows sees the group split into two camps, one a drug-filled, sex-crazed dictatorship and the other, smaller group trying to figure out how to get everyone back to the mainland.

Adam Brody is Chris, a young, laid back employee at an advertising company, socially awkward, impossible with women and prone to having his best marketing ideas stolen by his horrible boss Phil (Rob Huebel). This establishes the rivalry that sets off events on the island. After they discover a psychotropic drug, Phil establishes himself as the ruler of a tribal society and bends the easily swayed into worshipping him. On the other side is Chris, the obligatory love interest Lisa (Megan Boone) and a drug-induced best friend in the form of Jared (Eric Edelstein).

Kristen Schaal is enjoyably goofy as the rabbit-obsessed Brenda, although in a cast as large as this her main role is to be a secondary female character behind Megan Boone’s Lisa. her quirky interest in rabbits is almost immediately forgotten about in favour of some generally weird behaviour, either in a bid to stand out or because the script insisted she should be a bit kooky for the sake of it.

So where are the problems? For starters the music score is often too loud, often threatening to drown out the dialogue. But then you might consider this to be an improvement because the dialogue itself is often verging on dire. The plot is one that doesn’t broach new ground, sticking very rigidly to the classic conceit of antagonistic co-worker facing off against laid back but good hearted everyman. He will of course end up with the obligatory love interest and Phil will get his comeuppance, but it’s difficult to suspend disbelief as almost every aspect of the plot – with the exception of every appearance from Jean-Claude Van Damme – can be telegraphed from the opening credits.

What does work however are many of the jokes, and in particular any scene involving Van Damme. He is in knowing self-referential territory, parodying his action star history with a nod and a wink at all times, and displaying a flair for comedy that may or may not have been developed through his recent involvement in the Coors Light advertising campaign. It’s a rare occasion where you wished a film would have more Van Damme in it, but Welcome To The Jungle proves to be precisely that film. A shame really – some more insanely enjoyable Van Damme comedy moments would have been a very welcome addition. To the jungle. Ahem.

Score: 2.5/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kRzSImxqQtA

Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-27

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Dracula hated it when people changed channels without asking if he was still watching America's Got Talent. — Dracula hated it when people changed channels without asking if he was still watching America’s Got Talent.

Twitter Plot Summary: Dracula returns from the dead and begins anew his campaign of terror. Only Captain Scarlet can stop him.

There may have been a sequel to Hammer’s 1958 Dracula movie released in 1960 (The Brides of Dracula) but it would take until 1966 for him to make a return to screens in Hammer’s continuity. Unfortunately it seems that here he has almost been neutered and is presented as being little more than a shadow of his former self. But then, being killed will probably have that effect on you.

Dracula was never a man of many words, but here he’s devoid of any dialogue or character development beyond lusting over busty women and alternating between happy and sad faces. Beyond this he has little involvement in the plot. Indeed, much of that plot is dominated by Francis Matthews, better known in some circles as the voice of the original Captain Scarlet. He plays Charles, a man who chooses to visit Castle Dracula along with his wife and their friends despite the dire warnings from the locals. Clearly inherent stupidity is rampant in that social class. When things start going pear-shaped Charles seeks the help of the local religious order who, it handily transpires, are the people who have been warning the locals about Dracula for years. Even so, they turn out to be a mostly ineffectual force, knowing how to defeat the vampires but not proving to be good at doing so when they find their backs up against the wall.

Prince of Darkness marks the first time that Dracula had an issue with running water. Having seemingly written themselves into a corner, the only way to defeat the titular prince is by trapping him on a frozen lake. Then the film just ends, without the good nature of providing a worthwhile resolution. What was the outcome for Charles, other than defeating the otherworldly menace that tried to get its hands on his wife?

Dracula's pulling technique was a little odd, to say the least. — Dracula’s pulling technique was a little odd, to say the least.

It does however leave the door wide open for a sequel, which inevitably followed. It’s evident that in this case the script wasn’t given as much thought than should have been the case, content with riffing off the first Hammer Dracula film rather than making any serious effort to branch out and do something genuinely worthwhile.

Christopher Lee of course remains a thoroughly enjoyable presence, further cementing his interpretation of the character in our collective consciousness. Without a word of dialogue he still manages to convey the danger that Dracula represents, yet also shows him as a vulnerable creature who may by this point only be operating on pure animal instinct rather than making a decision to prey on the weak. Whilst this is an effective device to use, it does leave you yearning for a return of the charming, sexual, sinister creature that he began as.

If there had been more effort to make this on par with their original 1958 effort then it would have made for a far better film. But then, you can’t help but think that Hammer were simply resting on their laurels at this point in their history, churning out a formulaic Dracula story simply to make a bit of money. It’s an easy trap to fall into, and clearly some quality control was sorely lacking.

Score: 2.5/5

The Salvation (2015)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-25

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"I was once a famous footballer. Now I have an impressive beard and a Kronenbourg 1664 advert deal. Supreme." — “I was once a famous footballer. Now I have an impressive beard and a Kronenbourg 1664 advert deal. Supreme.”

Twitter Plot Summary: After his wife and son are murdered, Danish immigrant Jon seeks revenge.

Westerns are few and far between these days. After its peak in the 1950s and 1960s, the commercial aspect of the genre seems to have been lost and it’s only those who are aware of genre conventions that tend to make them. What we’ve had since that peak period are some very serious but well received Westerns that tick all of the genre convention boxes but rarely descend into obvious cliche. Vengeance is a key theme of any Western, and The Salvation is no different.

The year is 1871 and Danish immigrant Jon (Mads Mikkelson) has been living in the United States for seven years alongside his brother Peter (Mikael Persbrandt). His wife and son join him for the first time in the New World, only for tragedy to strike on a tense stagecoach journey where they’re joined by a couple of less reputable gentlemen. After Jon has gained the revenge he is due, it transpires that one of the men he killed is the brother of a local and vicious gang leader, which sets off a chain of events leading to a showdown between Jon and the gang.

This is a world where there are no good people, where it’s almost a necessity for every man to be so grizzled that he’s almost inaudible. A world where people die and are killed indiscriminately, where the law is frequently in your own hands. It wasn’t called the Wild West for nothing, after all.

This is a multicultural West, emphasised by the Danish origin of the lead character. Mikkelsen plays the role along similar lines to Clint Eastwood’s Man With No Name, capable of staring a hole through you from a thousand yards, yet also not being completely immune to pain and physical injury. Much like Daniel Craig’s James Bond, he is a more believable hero because he can be physically and emotionally hurt, yet still push through to get the job done.

She has no tongue. Doesn't make her any less deadly. — She has no tongue. Doesn’t make her any less deadly.

Jonathan Pryce rocks an excellent beard as the Mayor of the small town, tripling up as undertaker and property/land buyer. Jeffrey Dean Morgan plays Delarue, the Big Bad. He’s the aforementioned grizzled guy, barely raising his voice above a whisper. There’s much more to his role in the area than simple revenge, of course. There’s oil in them thar hills! This area of vast riches is an interesting side point that plays out in the background. Suffice to say, the message is that there is more to life than wealth.

Eva Green perhaps has the hardest role as Madelaine, a mute woman who had her tongue removed by Native Americans some years previously. Despite this, she still manages to convey a lot about her character despite never being able to utter a word. Eric Cantona is carving out a decent career for himself as an actor, although there are a couple of moments here where it’s not clear if he realised the cameras were on him. Still, he fits in nicely with the grizzled troupe around him.

If there is anything to complain about, it’s that the world itself is not as fully developed as it could have been. The townsfolk are painted in quite broad strokes as being cowardly, but with the exception of a couple of characters there is little else to define them. It’s a minor niggle when looking at the film in context, which is a hugely successful Western that pays tribute to the conventions of the genre whilst carving out its own part of the storytelling potential of the American Frontier.

Score: 4.5/5

Krull (1983)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-24

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She gazed in wonder at his five pronged starfish weapon thing.

Twitter Plot Summary: An epic fantasy adventure starring a bearded chap and some blonde girl. And Bernard Bresslaw.

Fantasy films were at their strongest in the 1980s, and Krull, released in 1983, is a perfect example of the decade’s offerings. What it has are some nice costume designs, even if the rest of the production has that typical 80s fantasy look. More often than not genre films from this era have a dirty, muddied look to them no matter how large the budget, and that results in them being lumbered into the same category whether they are considered good or bad.

In this particular instance, it’s an enjoyable romp through a fantasy world, but one that doesn’t make any effort to break away from the standard fantasy narrative. It can be broken down thus: the girl is kidnapped by the big bad. The hero sets out to save her, meeting an eclectic bunch of fantasy stereotypes on the way – in this case, some fighters, a cyclops, a magician (of sorts) and Todd Carty from Eastenders. Yep, even the realm of fantasy cinema isn’t safe from future soap stars. Along the way there will be danger and excitement (apparently), all leading up to a final showdown with the big bad at the end. Suffice to say, Krull ticks all of those boxes and takes great delight in doing so.

"I was in the Carry On films you know. What a drop in quality." — “I was in the Carry On films you know. What a drop in quality.”

There must have been something in the water given that Bernard Bresslaw of Carry On fame appears here as a cyclops and, more intriguingly, in a serious role. It seems that he was the only tall actor available in Britain at the time for these roles. Well, there was Dave Prowse I guess, but he was busy elsewhere. Although with all that said, Bresslaw did have previous fantasy film experience in the likes of Hawk The Slayer and Jabberwocky. He has a straightfaced role here, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t space for some amusing tropes along the way. More often than not he says he’ll stay behind while the rest carries on, then changes his mind and barrels after them in order to save the day. It seems that if he wasn’t there most of the time, they wouldn’t have made it to the halfway point let alone the location they are seeking.

The remaining cast are made up of what were at that time mostly unknowns, but today there are quite a number who went on to do bigger things. Alun Armstrong, Lysette Anthony, Robbie Coltrane and, erm… Todd Carty, all went on to have moderately successful acting careers. Liam Neeson we all know, of course. Puzzlingly the lead Ken Marshall has done little else of significance in his acting career, resorting to guest spots in a number of different shows. It just goes to show how fickle the casting machine can be, but some are clearly better at fighting back against expectations than others.

But throughout all of this my thoughts were with Alun Armstrong. A great character actor he may be, but having to amble around for the entirety of a 2 hour film whilst wearing a leather, spiked choker has got to be looked back on with embarrassment.

Score: 3/5

U-571 (2000)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-07-23

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"Don't you wish we were in Das Boot instead?" "Ja." — “Don’t you wish we were in Das Boot instead?”
“Ja.”

Twitter Plot Summary: The Americans run roughshod over history and create a film that is really, really bad.

Let’s ignore the revisionist historical story for a second and ask the question: does U-571 work on its own merits? This is a tricky question to ask, no doubt because many will prefer to look at the official history rather than let a film exist in isolation as a piece of entertainment. If nothing else, it proves that you should never claim that your nation made an important breakthrough in the war – the Brits will always kick off about their rightful place in history.

So, does U-571 work in isolation? To a degree, yes. If you ignore the moments where the music takes a needlessly heroic tack – such as when the Americans courageously work out how to pilot the u-Boat – the poorly structured exposition and the likewise needless shouty action sequences, it’s really just the story of McConaughey’s officer learning how to command a ship after Captain Bill Paxton (sadly not his character name nor an actual rank bestowed upon him) deems him not currently suitable for such a role. Indeed, the Enigma machine itself is almost a side note, an incidental story beat that is a Macguffin rather than a reason in itself for the film’s story to occur.

As it happens, that revisionist history is the one thing that works the least well, and understandably so. If it had made an effort to separate itself from the realities of war instead of implying that this was an adaptation of true events. It’s like a gung-ho stampede across history, rewriting it to suit nobody. Nobody except the red top newspapers if the critical praise on the DVD box are anything to go by.

They all waited patiently as the angry WW2 fanboys sailed overhead.

Jonathan Mostow, known elsewhere for commencing the Terminator franchise with Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and doing an acceptable if uninspiring stint on 2009’s Surrogates, is more than capable when it comes to action sequences, yet somehow he never seems entirely capable of nailing the right tone. He skirts around it but doesn’t ever hit the mark.

It’s a shame too because the cast is solid. Harvey Keitel, Bill Paxton, Thomas Kretschmann, Matthew McConaughey and Jake Weber are an impressive bunch of names to have in your cast. Heck, even Jon Bon Jovi rocks up to get a piece of the action.

The German U-Boat sections owe a heavy debt to Wolfgang Petersen’s Das Boot, a film much loved in this parish. Thomas Kretschmann sinks into Jurgen Prochnow mode with relative ease, although it all lacks the same level of narrative polish, attention to detail and gritty realism that makes Das Boot a quintessential war film.

You’ll get a fair bit of entertainment from the “sea adventure” vibe running through it, and you will of course get more from it if you’re a fan of submarine films, but at the same time you will be equally aware of how poor it is in comparison to many of the other examples in the genre. And if you have seen Das Boot… well, there’s almost no comparison between the two.

Score: 1.5/5

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