Avengers Assemble (2012)

By

-

2015-09-28

Twitter Plot Summary: All of Marvel’s cinematic characters unite to defeat Loki and an unknown alien menace.

It had been a long time coming, but in 2012 Marvel finally did the impossible by uniting several different franchises in Avengers Assemble and formally linking all of the characters in the Marvel Cinematic Universe. The concept was always a risk. Would audiences accept these characters outside of their solo outings? Would the script truly reflect the characters and encompass everything that made them work in the first place? More importantly, was there enough room in one film for each of them to get their own fair share of characterisation and development? Luckily for Marvel and the audience, Avengers Assemble hits the mark on almost every level.

It must also have come as somewhat of a relief for Joss Whedon, a man who at almost every turn (Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel being the two main exceptions) has had his various projects cancelled or cut short before their time. Giving him the reigns to Marvel’s cinematic team-up was a huge gamble, but one that has paid off in abundance. His ear for good dialogue is apparent, demonstrated through some witty retorts, snappy comebacks and in one instance an archaic swear word that somehow made it through the censors untouched. And amazingly, not all of those witty lines are allocated to Tony Stark. In fact some of the best lines come from Thor and Bruce Banner/The Hulk, proving that Robert Downey Jr, whilst a master of the art of sarcasm, isn’t the only one who can do this. Whedon also proves to be adept at setting up clear and concise action sequences which find a perfect blend between live action and CGI.

There isn’t much to the plot – Loki has made off with the Arkenstone and incites mayhem across the globe, marking the first stage of an assault being controlled from afar by a character yet to be fully explored but who is infinitely recognisable to readers of the comics. The rest of the story is an excuse for our various heroes to have a few scraps before ultimately realising that they need to unite in order to defeat evil. Standard superhero stuff, but it works.

If there’s anybody who pulls the short straw it’s Hawkeye, who spends most of his time an unwilling pawn of Loki, and only gets chance to show off his true personality in the final act, and the existence of his seemingly inexhaustible supply of specialist arrows. In terms of the story, the generic alien hordes look impressive and cause a fair amount of damage but are otherwise reduced to being one dimensional. They are more than compensated for by the presence of Loki, played again by Tom Hiddleston and looking like he’s having the time of his life as the God of Mischief.

But then these are minor complaints, especially when you consider alongside everything else that this is the first film to get The Hulk right. Finally. The character failed to hit the mark in 2008’s The Incredible Hulk and Edward Norton was subsequently recast as Mark Ruffalo. This turned out to be a piece of casting genius as Ruffalo brings a previously unseen quality to the human side of the character, and the combination of writing and solid CGI prove to be just what the green, angry side of his personality needed all those years ago. The Hulk may not be in a position to carry his own film at present (although with the right story this would be a very good move) but Avengers Assemble is perhaps proof that he works best as part of an ensemble.

Plus it helped kick off Marvel’s Stage 2 movie plans and hinted at a much wider universe waiting to be explored. As time would later prove, Marvel would go on and take similar risks and achieve similar rewards.

Score: 5/5

Mrs Doubtfire (1993)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-09-22

0

In hindsight, surely it was obvious it's a man under all that rubber? — In hindsight, surely it was obvious it’s a man under all that rubber?

Twitter Plot Summary: When his kids are taken away from him by the court, voice actor Daniel disguises himself as elderly Scottish nanny Mrs Doubtfire.

Do you remember the days when family friendly films nudged their running time over the 2 hour mark? You’d be hard pushed to find anything along those lines today, but back in 1993 when attention spans were longer and kids less prone to moments of ADD. Ooh look, a cat’s walking across the road outside… sorry, where were we? Oh yes, attention spans. Back in the 90s you could easily fill the time with comedy dramas and an extensive dose of Robin Williams genius without breaking a sweat or losing your audience.

Here, Williams plays Daniel, a childlike man who performs voiceovers for animated features and is a devoted father to his three children. Unfortunately his exuberant, childlike and spontaneous personality has had an effect on his relationship with his wife, the much more career focused and frequently frowning Miranda, played by Sally Field. When they split up and he finds that his access to his children is restricted pending a period of probation, Daniel uses his brother’s makeup skills and his own canny ability to perform voices in order to perform as an elderly Scottish nanny and look after his kids discreetly.

Adding further fire to the flame is the introduction of rich, potential dad replacement in the former of Pierce Brosnan’s Stu, at this point in his career still rocking an impressive pre-Bond head of hair. There’s much fun to be had watching Daniel interact with this interloper whilst in the guise of an elderly woman, hiding from his family in plain sight. Daniel also has to contend with regular court visits to demonstrate that he is leaving his childlike behaviour behind and creating a suitable home to prove he is capable of looking after his kids without resorting to randomly booking a circus troupe for their birthday.

Mrs Doubtfire deserves plaudits for covering the realities of divorce, relationship breakdowns and the effect this has on any children involved, and the subsequent emotional and physical effects it has on the couple instigating divorce proceedings. But whilst it does have this undertone of serious drama it is also a story that delights in occasional madcap humour and an engaging underdog storyline, what with the courts (in this case) being biased against the man having custody and all that jazz – you know, the usual stuff about the mother normally being the one to get custody.

If you look at the matter objectively, you can see where Miranda is coming from, however you can also see Daniel’s perspective. It goes without saying that the outcome is they both realise they may have gone to greater extremes than is absolutely necessary, and they end up meeting somewhere in the middle. While it remains true to life in that not everything is wrapped up neatly but there is at least some form of resolution to this particular chapter of their story.

But let’s face it, once you get on board with the idea of Robin Williams being a 6 foot tall female housekeeper, you’ll go along with anything.

Score: 3.5/5

John Wick (2015)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-09-21

0

johnwick1 — Nobody messed with his Pop Tarts.

Twitter Plot Summary: A group of young gangsters get more than they bargained for when they target John Wick. Because he used to be a trained killer.

John Wick’s having a bit of a bad time. Shortly after his wife’s death, a package arrives – a puppy. Within what seems like minutes he’s set upon by Russian mobsters who steal his car and do the unthinkable. You know what I mean – that rule about never hurting animals in a film’s story is gleefully ignored.

But it turns out that Wick is more than he seems. Turns out he’s an infamous contract killer and he will stop at nothing to get revenge against Alfie Allen and his father’s band of Russian miscreants. Thus, the story is a simple case of watching Wick tear his way through the bad guys in his quest for vengeance.

Why does John Wick work? It’s a combination of things. Not only is the story of underworld assassins gradually fed to the audience as things develop, but it’s almost non-stop action. Action that is never boring but is instead well choreographed and presented in an almost effortlessly stylish manner. It even manages to break Keanu Reeves away from the usual complaints that are aimed at his acting abilities. His occasional monotone voice suits the character, and it’s not as if he’s called upon to talk all that much.

Kudos too for the script making the decision to have the characters run out of bullets and have to reload when the clip runs out – a minor detail missing from almost every action film ever made – although in some cases it adds to the fun. Wick is a fallible action hero, not immune to bullets or being stabbed now and again. Yet he still gets back up and continues pressing forward until the job is done.

On that note, there is an equal balance between light and dark moments, an element of knowing self awareness that doesn’t jump the shark into self parody. Grittier elements meet with the weird and wonderful, standard action tropes subverted yet joyfully adhered to. It’s a balance that filmmakers often find difficult to get right, but thankfully it’s something that Chad Stahelski has got spot on in this case.

Guess what's going to happen next. Go on. — Guess what’s going to happen next. Go on.

Reeves is supported by a great cast. Willem Defoe, Adrianne Palicki and Ian “Lovejoy” McShane appear as members of the exclusive assassin’s club Wick is a member of, with Lance Reddick appearing in a minor role as that hotel’s concierge. Alfie Allen meanwhile, the target of Wick’s ire, gets to do his impressive smarmy bad guy persona but doesn’t have much to do beyond that and run around looking scared.

As modern action films go, this is up there with the best. Almost everything about it works a treat and while there isn’t much depth to the story itself, there’s enough there to keep things moving forward and more than enough action to keep everyone satisfied. It would be great to see a sequel which, it seems, is likely to happen. This more than anything else is the biggest surprise, and for once providing a sequel that people actually want to see. Well done, John Wick.

Score: 3.5/5

Hot Tub Time Machine 2 (2015)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-09-15

0

Watching this film may have the effect of premature ageing. Be warned.

Twitter Plot Summary: Everyone except John Cusack returns for another spin in the Hot Tub Time Machine… in the future!

Behold! Hot Tub Time Machine 2! The sequel that absolutely nobody asked for! Also behold! The complete absence of John Cusack who obviously thought better of appearing in this horrific car crash of an accident! (Unless you watch the unrated edition). That is what some people might think, and they would be pretty much on the mark. A glut of sexist humour, lazily structured jokes and a plot that doesn’t make much sense all contribute to a movie that leaves you questioning the reason for its existence – until you realise it’s all about the studio making money. Then everything slots into place.

Despite ending on a hugely positive and entirely appropriate note, three of the characters from Hot Tub Time Machine (note: none of them are John Cusack) unite for one more journey through time when their mostly successful lives start falling apart. And in the case of Rob Corddry’s Lou, finding himself lacking a certain part of his anatomy after a gunshot blast to the unmentionables. They decide to use their time machine to find the person responsible for this outrage. Except this time (hah, time travel etc) they don’t go to their pasts but rather to their future.

Cue an obligatory run of gags about how much/little the future has changed, how much they have aged, and… well, that’s about it. There’s some fun improv moments, but you eventually realise they’re being overused in the absence of well structured jokes. Then you realise that this is likely another film where the cast and crew had a ball making it – as we all know, this is not necessarily something that works out for the audience.

The three remaining leads from the first film – Corrdry, Robinson and Duke, all play characters that lack the moral compass of Cusack’s Adam, and you find yourself wondering who you should be rooting for. Yes they have a quest to stop Lou being shot, but he’s such an unlikeable slug of a man it’s ultimately irrelevant if he finds his attacker or not. In fact, just thinking this makes

Apart from Cusack’s notable absence, it is a sequel that does slot into the narrative style of the original. Chevy Chase pops up again as the hot tub mechanic, and Adam Scott rocks up as Adam, the obligatory fourth member of the posse from the future – you know, just to keep things balanced.

I found the jokes about Adam’s naivety mostly solid, elsewhere less so. One particular call back to the first film is effective, namely referencing the name of the film directly with a knowing glance at the camera, but here it doesn’t work quite as well. It’s apparent that a fair amount of time was spent trying to fit “Hot Tub Time Machine 2” into a vaguely workable sentence.

Where it suffers is in its objectification of women. Nudity for the sake of nudity is best avoided, and the only reason it’s used here is for basic titillation purposes only. If you’re reduced to that level, something is clearly missing – and this cannot be pinned solely on the absence of John Cusack.

Score: 2/5

I Sell The Dead (2008)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-09-01

0

"If you think you had it bad on that island, at least you weren't painted red." — “If you think you had it bad on that island, at least you weren’t painted red.”

Twitter Plot Summary: Grave robber Arthur Blake is interviewed by an Irish priest just before being sent to the guillotine. He recounts a wild career.

It’s an interesting tale, the one about Burke and Hare the 19th century grave robbers who achieved notoriety for their antics. I Sell The Dead draws heavy influence from that story without actually telling that tale, which may be obvious to most people but I feel it worth pointing out for the sake of clarity.

Ron Perlman will do anything for a pay cheque it seems, but thankfully he always proves to be a great performer no matter the quality of the material or, in this case, the quality of his accent. Here he is the apparently Irish Father Duffy who has been sent to note down the last words of grave robber Arthur Blake (Dominic Monaghan), who finds himself behind bars after being framed for murder and discovering that his long time grave robbing collaborator Willy Grimes has already attended his appointment with Madame Guillotine.

Taking place over a series of vignettes interspersed with Perlman and Monaghan chatting in the latter’s cell, we get to sit and watch the life of Arthur Blake as he learns the art of robbing graves and the inherent perils of such work, gore and supernatural goings on growing stranger and more peculiar with each passing incident. What starts as a standard historical romp soon turns into a number of amusing homages to classic horror moments, be they demon vampire women, zombies, or the literally out of this world concept of pint size aliens being buried on Earth.

"Not Penny's boat!" — “Not Penny’s boat!”

Horror legend Angus Scrimm – you know, the tall chap from the Phantasm series – shows up as a doctor, Quint, who initially hires the grave robbers to provide him with a constant supply of cadavers. Soon enough they part ways in a rather interesting manner, leaving Blake and Grimes to make even more money from their work – all the while having to avoid the attentions of rival grave robber, the very serious and very bearded Cornelius Murphy (John Speredakos).

As a supposed horror comedy, it presents more amusement in its Father Ted style Irish accents than it does in any of the attempts at jokes. But with that in mind, there’s fun to be had in the ambiguity of Blake’s story. Is all of this he’s recounting just a tall tale, or is there an element of reality to his version of events? It’s a point that keeps you guessing until the very end, and proves to be the most interesting angle of the entire story.

All of this wouldn’t be quite so bad if the music was far lower in the audio mix, although that may be more to do with the fact I watched it via the Horror Channel rather than on a DVD or via streaming, as their picture and audio quality is frequently of a lower quality than a standard TV channel. I’m not sure this would have made any difference at all in the grand scheme of things, but it was a slight annoyance all the same. A good if somewhat basic and flawed horror comedy.

Score: 2.5/5

Run All Night (2015)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-08-11

0

Twitter Plot Summary: Set over the course of one night, Liam Neeson must stop his son being killed by mob boss Ed Harris.

Let’s get the obvious out of the way. Yes, Run All Night is once again a case of Liam Neeson exploiting his geriaction chops and milking the Taken template for all it’s worth. He’s Jimmy Conlon, a former (or perhaps current) hitman for former (or perhaps current) mob boss Shawn (Ed Harris), who has to protect his son Mike (Joel Kinnaman). You see, Mike has witnessed Ed Harris’ son Danny (Boyd Holbrook) shooting some Albanians (killed like “so many nothings”, to borrow a phrase from the Taken series) and Conlon has to step in and kill Danny before his own son is capped. It’s far less complicated than that summary may imply, never fear. This isn’t some multilayered story, even if at times it would like to be.

By now it probably goes without saying that there is an obligatory telephone conversation between Liam Neeson and the guy his character is butting heads with, and the usual array of action sequences are there to keep the punters happy. All of this takes place while doing its best to avoid showing Neeson running from A to B – he works best in films where his character isn’t required to escape anywhere on foot at speed. It could have done with taking a page out of A Walk Among The Tombstone‘s book in more than one respect.

Unlike that film, however, the attempts at in depth characterisation fall flat in Run All Night because, ironically, despite their best intentions there isn’t enough effort put into developing the character relationships. There is a decent connection between Ed Harris and Neeson as their history together is touched on, the physical and mental effects their years of killing and double crossing have had on them, but this gets summarily dropped once they are on opposing sides and the action kicks in. The same again can be said for the relationship between Conlon and Michael. The reasons for Conlon stepping away from the family are quite clear and well played, as is his constant insistence that his son never fire a weapon at someone lest he end up just like his father. Still, at least it’s better than the ham-fisted father/son relationship in A Good Day To Die Hard.

There's a time and a place for a hug, and trapped in a burning building with Liam Neeson isn't it. — There’s a time and a place for a hug, and trapped in a burning building with Liam Neeson isn’t it.

We also get a brief appearance from Nick Nolte as Conlon’s grizzled brother, and Common as contract killer Price. Of slightly greater importance to the film is Vincent D’Onofrio as the long serving cop who is determined to bring Conlon to justice for his involvement in a number of historic killings. There are missteps in how Michael’s relationship with his family is handled, namely that his wife and children are almost side notes to the story despite being the focal point for him staying out of the hands of the police.

It’s certainly much less fun than Neeson and Collet’s last collaboration in Non-Stop, and would have perhaps been a better viewing through a direct to DVD home release rather than being pushed out to cinemas. There are at least some good ideas to hand, decent if unspectacular action sequences, and reliable performances from all involved.

Score: 3/5

Grudge Match (2014)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-08-10

0

The match you always wanted to see. Albeit thirty years too late.

Twitter Plot Summary: Two retired boxers head to the ring to settle their decades-old rivalry once and for all. Plus family and relationship stuff goes on too.

On paper, the thinking behind Grudge Match makes a lot of sense. Throw together two actors who have previously played great cinematic boxing icons, albeit 30 years after those films showed them in their prime, turn it into a media circus/money making exercise for all parties, and have a laugh at the expense of the two elderly men destined to have one final, deciding fight after their historic rivalry didn’t receive its appropriate sign-off back in the day. It’s wish fulfillment along similar lines to the Legends mode you usually find on EA boxing games, with the exception this time being that it’s actually happening rather than being depicted on a video games console.

The jokes are aimed squarely at the age of the characters and their lack of understanding of modern technology, with a few nods and winks towards the Rocky films and Raging Bull to keep fans of those films happy. In truth there aren’t enough of these callbacks to those older, better films, which is testament to how unappealing this script really is. Attempts to give both characters some melodramatic family and relationship moments generally fall flat.

It might have worked quite well in the Rocky films, but here there are too many characters involved for it to have a suitable payoff. You end up with your focus split between two characters (and by extension the characters that surround them) which dilutes the dramatic impact. The irony is that there’s more enjoyment to be had watching Stallone and DeNiro dress up in full luminous green motion capture suits than in listening to their emotional problems and various age and boxing related ailments. That should speak volumes.

Kevin Hart is the young promoter looking to turn around the hard times he’s also found himself in, desperately trying to convince both men to take part despite their better judgement. He doesn’t prove to be as annoying as he has been elsewhere – the man does have talent but his choice of roles often do him little favour. At least here he gets to partake in some barbed jibes with Alan Arkin, proving to be an unlikely but entertaining odd screen pairing. Arkin has picked out some solid roles in recent times, and this one where he is the less-grizzled equivalent of Mickey to Stallone’s Rocky, is no different.

The moment we all spend the whole movie waiting for, the boxing match to end all boxing matches, does actually prove to be worth the wait. True, both men are obviously past their prime and this angle is played up to an almost ridiculous level, but even this Battle of the Pensioners shows that they still have it even if “it” has been greatly reduced over time.

In most respects it strikes out as being a less impressive relative of Stallone’s rather good Rocky Balboa from 2006, but there’s enough meat on its bones and humorous interactions to see it through, even if it does pale in comparison to the boxing films it draws inspiration from.

Score: 3/5

Beauty and the Beast (1991)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-08-06

0

*insert voice of South Park's version of Mel Gibson* Gimme back mah monehh! — *insert voice of South Park’s version of Mel Gibson*
Gimme back mah monehh!

Twitter Plot Summary: Belle and the Beast are forced into close proximity, while enchanted household objects try and push them together. So to speak.

The cynical perspective on Beauty and the Beast would be to describe it as the tale of a woman who is kidnapped by a beastly creature and, suffering from Stockholm Syndrome, falls in love with her captor. This would be a mostly unfair opinion to take on the matter of course, but it’s an easy read of a film that is otherwise a delight from start to finish.

Fresh from the success of the release of The Little Mermaid *and their renaissance following their dark 80s period, Disney went one step further with *Beauty and the Beast by going all out on the Broadway tunes, even going so far as to bring in a Broadway cast to say the words and sing the songs. It’s a formula that has done them well in the intervening 20-odd years, and arguably it was this film that set the ball rolling, like an animated version of the opening sequence of Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

The story is broadly the same as in the fairy tale, with a few amendments made for good cinematic effect. Here, Belle (Paige O’Hara) is a bookish but attractive girl who is pursued by the brutish Gaston (Richard White). Whilst she spurns his advances, her father finds himself in a large castle where the Beast (Robby Benson) resides, which leads to Belle being forced to move in, much to both her and, separately, Gaston’s chagrin. The Beast is a tragic figure, a man who was cursed by an enchantress, doomed to live as a beast until such time as he earns the love of another. But he must do so before the enchanted rose loses its last petal.

It didn't take much for him to get back into his big furry dog persona. — It didn’t take much for him to get back into his big furry dog persona.

In place of Disney’s usual anthropomorphic representation of animals (if we ignore the Beast who technically doesn’t count), this time we get anthropomorphic castle objects, from a candlestick to a clock to an array of wardrobes and kitchen utensils. The friendship between Lumiere (a randy Frenchman, no less) and Maurice the clock is a particular highlight, but the mother/son style relationship between Mrs Potts (Angela Lansbury) and Chip (Bradley Pierce) is the heart of the piece.

More important is the role Belle plays in these events. She is not the helpless damsel we have traditionally seen in the past, instead she butts heads with the Beast until they both eventually come to respect and appreciate one another for what is missing in their own lives.

The songs, of course, are sublime. Mix in some gorgeous animation, a mixture of classic hand drawn and computer generated imagery. All the more impressive given the year it was made, no doubt helping the world of animated films towards its current, three dimensional format.

Beauty and the Beast is yet another example of Disney at the top of their game, a demonstration of what the company can do when casting, story, animation and songs come together in a near-perfect combination. It would be a formula that they would repeat for at least the next two films.

Score: 4.5/5

Basic Instinct (1992)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-08-05

0

That scene everyone knows. Imagine Wayne Knight getting sweaty on the reverse angle.

Twitter Plot Summary: A cop with addiction problems finds himself addicted to the predatory nature of an attractive suspect in his latest case.

You can’t help but appreciate the cinematic efforts of Paul Verhoeven. Unless you have concerns about his very European sensibilities towards sex and violence – namely, that neither is anything he worries about too much. He has his own particular cinematic shorthand that appeals to a particular audience, one who appreciate the often ridiculous yet entertaining stories he is known for. One would never claim his films were subtle, and perhaps this is why they are appreciated in the way they are.

Basic Instinct was Verhoeven’s 1992 release following the Mars-based Schwarzenegger vehicle that was Total Recall. In many respects it’s a companion piece, albeit one established in a separate and distinct genre altogether. But stick with the comparison for a moment. Both feature extreme violence, nudity and similar themes of empowerment and lack of control. That and they both feature Sharon Stone. We’ll ignore the plots for both films because that would be a comparison too far, but on a thematic level they are brethren.

But then at the same time while on the surface it appears to be a weighty, thematic piece, it also proves to be nothing more than a vacuous thriller, its wafer thin story hidden by Paul Verhoeven’s direction, production values and lots of sexy time. If nothing else, most people know of the film thanks to that one particular interrogation scene where Sharon Stone uncrosses and crosses her legs. While stories about its origin vary (Verhoeven says Stone knew he was going to shoot it, she has said otherwise), it does work in support of the character’s manipulative tendencies. Even here, surrounded by police officers and there on suspicion of murder, she practically has them eating out of her… hand.

Spot the odd (old) man out. Go on, I'll give you three guesses. — Spot the odd (old) man out. Go on, I’ll give you three guesses.

Other than the nudity (if that’s your sort of thing), the performances from Michael Douglas and Sharon Stone are your reason for tuning in. Douglas is Nick Curran, a cop with an addictive personality. He’s recently given up alcohol, smoking and drugs, but his encounter with femme fatale and ultimate manipulator Catherine Tramell, played by Sharon Stone, sends him off the deep end. She becomes a point of obsession, leading him away from his recovery and those who are supporting him – namely his therapist and lover Dr Beth Garner (Jeanne Tripplehorn) and his police partner Gus (George Dzundza).

It’s not the best for portraying homosexual or bisexual relationships as the focus is almost solely on Douglas and Stone, but there is some tension provided by her girlfriend Roxy (Leilani Sarelle), even if that isn’t as developed a plot line as it needed to be. We also get a slightly cringeworthy scene of Michael Douglas hanging around in a nightclub, despite clearly being completely out of place in that particular setting. Best to move on from that sequence as quickly as possible.

And that leads nicely into the final reveal as to who the killer really is. Surprisingly, given that everyone these days seems to know the outcome even if they haven’t seen the film, back in the day it was still an unknown factor. But then if you really think about it, there’s no way it could have been anyone else. To suggest otherwise would require a rather unnecessary twist, and it’s not as if the film really goes out of its way to suggest that this is not the case. Just go with it, and if you don’t like it, there’s always Total Recall.

Score: 3/5

Submerged (2005)

By

Simon Prior

-

2015-08-04

0

The Dream Team. In the eyes of some people.

Twitter Plot Summary: Steven Seagal leads a team of mercenaries on a mission to stop a terrorist group from unleashing an attack.

If you’re one of the five of six people in the world who always dreamed of Steven Seagal joining forces with Vinnie Jones in an action movie, then you’re in luck. In 2005 film Submerged the whispering, ponytailed martial arts expert unites with the East End menace as two of a group of mercenaries sent in to prevent a terrorist operation, yet find themselves on the backfoot and having to defend against a much bigger threat.

Seagal, replete with a full length black leather trench coat, mutters his way through his dialogue like a man who would rather be somewhere else. At least Vinnie Jones seems to be enjoying himself, but then doing anything, even acting in bad action films, has to beat playing football for Wimbledon.

Seagal gets a kitchen fight scene that warrants comparison with his slappy hand fight with Tommy Lee Jones in Under Siege, however if they were cousins then the kitchen scene in Submerged would be the shorter, less impressive, challenged cousin. In a later sequence he even demonstrates a super powered kick that so amazingly defies physics that you’d think Seagal was either a superhuman or determined to branch out into wire-fu movies. Best leave that to the professionals, Steven.

On the other hand Jones has a couple of decent fight scenes that are nicely choreographed and his apparent enjoyment in having the role means he’s a genuinely good reason for watching it – in addition to all of Seagal’s now cliche wooden performances. Jones’ acting skills may be nothing more than an ability to sneer on cue, but in this case it suits the character and makes his character stand out against the two dimensional cutouts that make up the rest of the mercenary team. When you receive the brief summary of each character as they make their first appearance, you’re already trying to work out which ones are likely to be killed off before the finale.

Seagal demonstrating how you caress another man's cheek. — Seagal demonstrating how you caress another man’s cheek.

Bearing in mind how bad these straight to DVD features usually turn out, Submerged isn’t too offensive, even when compared to other straight to DVD Seagal feature films. The plot doesn’t make much sense and suffers very much from having too many subplots. There are conspiratorial American officials, a small time South American general craving power, an excursion on a submarine and some jungle warfare to name but a few aspects. With a bit of work to streamline the narrative then Submerged would have been far more than your average low budget action film. But then if you’re watching a Seagal film, you’re not really here for the plot are you?

When all is said and done, the good guys win (albeit with the odd loss along the way just to spice things up, although sadly Seagal’s ponytail never bites the dust) and evil is vanquished once again. That, along with gun fights and the occasional big explosion seen from multiple angles, is all you really want from an action film. Plus, it’s a film that features the line “(It could have been) another 9/11, except at sea.” If that isn’t worthy of your time then nothing is.

Score: 2/5

SIMONPRIOR.COM