Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009) review

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Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (2009) — Insert “splitting headache” joke here. Because that’s funny.

The key to any longstanding horror franchise, or wannabe franchise, is to keep things fresh for what will inevitably become a jaded audience. That’s more important these days than it ever was before, what with people’s focus becoming more and more limited and hundreds of different things clamouring for our attention in what is arguably an oversaturated media market.

So when compared to the brace of films that precede this effort, Wrong Turn 3: Left For Dead (not the video game, I’m afraid) opens quite strong by bumping off a bunch of teenagers in a variety of inventive ways. It then cuts away to a prison and its residents, establishing who we’re really going to follow in this story – the pre-credits people are never destined to see the opening title. It’s a fun opening that plays with your expectations and is content to do something a little different with what could have become an increasingly dull formula. Ironically, looking at later entries in the series, this is precisely what happened. But, for now, let’s focus on this particular story.

Despite that fun opening and the amended focus on a group of prisoners and prison guards, on the whole this is still the same old tried and tested horror movie formula – the group are chased, bumped off one by one, etc etc. The only difference is that the deaths have been transferred to grown men who are as unacceptable in the eyes of wider society as the cannibals that are hunting them. It almost breaks down to an exploration of the fears of that wider society, rule and order are thrown out of the window in the face of pure chaos. More often than not, as The Walking Dead has proven, we’re often our own worst enemies in situations like this.

Who’d have thought that the Wrong Turn films could explore societal fears in such a way? I’m not saying it does it all that well, nor does it seem to have been a conscious effort, but it’s there. There’s also an almost subtle element of post 9/11 angst, but that’s common across most films released in the years after those particular attacks. Left for Dead posits that if you’re a good person you’re going to meet a grisly demise, and the odds aren’t much better for you if you’re an imprisoned killer either.

Once more, bearing in mind that these inbred freaks are somewhat mentally challenged, they still exhibit more intelligence than their prey. People who are content to run around screaming without actually thinking about their actions deserve everything they get. In fairness, it is something that the Wrong Turn franchise frequently gets right, and that is to subvert expectations where it can.

Left For Dead does offer fun death sequences and a suitable narrative to present them in. Its problems lie in that it feels like a film that is going through the motions rather than doing anything to justify its existence. The only thing that you take away with you is that, when threatened by psychotic, deformed hillbillies, most rational thought seems to fly out of the window. Not surprising, but not all that interesting either.

Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) review

By

Simon Prior

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Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) — It was the wrong time and place to consider spending a penny.

It’s Henry Rollins’ turn to face off against the inbred cannibal hillbillies in Wrong Turn 2: Dead End. It’s a good job he’s here too, because otherwise there wouldn’t be much to recommend beyond the old favourites of random deaths and equally random female nudity. If any other modern horror franchise said “teen male audience” more than the Wrong Turn films, then I’d be very surprised.

Overall there’s a greater knowing nod and a wink to the audience this time round, upping the humour without skimping on the gore. The plot is an in-joke in itself. A group of reality TV hopefuls are all trying to prove they have what it takes to survive in an apocalypse situation. They quickly find themselves in genuine danger when they are targeted by a family of cannibal hillbillies. And thus all the usual cliches are trotted out in what is already a very familiar routine.

You should know what to expect then. Any pleasure of the flesh is met by death, as is general stupidity and arguing amongst one another. We wouldn’t have a film if the characters didn’t run through the usual process of ignorance and lack of judgement, but it would be nice now and again for that to be broken, have the characters break away from the usual cliches but still find themselves with nowhere to go. I may be asking too much, or overcomplicating the subject.

There are improvements over the first film is that the various characters get a small amount of time to establish their personality before the bodies start dropping en masse. There’s more fun to be had in the show within a film format, more so when the characters think the cannibals are part of the apocalyptic setup. Here’s a thought for you: they’re not.

Additionally more time is spent on the inbred cannibals, establishing more of their family structure, their particular perversions and how they represent a dark mirror image of the traditional American family structure. It’s almost as if the film is saying that is what the family unit would look like if all the rules of society were thrown out of the window. Their role is dark, unhinged, and lacking in boundaries. Obviously, because they kill others with barely a thought, their own particularly sinister moral code at play. Suffice to say, it’s not a pretty picture.

Ultimately this is Rollins’ film. He dominates every scene he appears in and proves to be a uniquely entertaining diversion to the typical routine of youngsters being killed in a variety of gruesome ways. It’s just disappointing that, despite his strong presence, there isn’t much else to really boost the film into a more entertaining place. If you took him out of the picture completely there would be no depth at all, no fun besides watching lots of people die.

With that in mind, it is because he is here to mix things up that it’s a step above almost every other film in the franchise bar the original. Sometimes that’s all you need.

Wrong Turn (2003) review

By

Simon Prior

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They soon realised that their tree hideout wasn't quite big enough for the two of them. — They soon realised that their tree hideout wasn’t quite big enough for the two of them.

Going into Wrong Turn, you’ll probably know in advance how things will pan out given its “cabin in the woods” starting point. So what do we have here? Well, the group in question don’t actually make it to their cabin but, as expected, it sees a group of good looking youngsters – including Eliza Dushku, Lindy Booth, Jeremy Sisto and Kevin Segers – going face to face with a bunch of disfigured, inbred mountain folk who have a taste for human flesh. In other words, the same as any holiday to the West Country in the UK.

Of course, the young group do themselves no favours by being utterly stupid. First and foremost is leaving their cars in the middle of the road without thinking about moving them to one side – more accidents will surely follow? Their decisions from that point onwards continue to be logically unsound, and it’s no wonder that a lot of grisly deaths follow. It stands to reason that the script follows most of the usual tropes of the genre – if you have sex you die, the person or people you expect to survive probably won’t, and despite being inbred hillbillies with debatable intelligence they are frequently able to outwit their prey. Call it hunter’s instinct, I guess.

The girl on the right noted that she was underdressed for the carnage that was to follow.

Despite these reservations it’s not all bad. The scares are well structured and the direction from Rob Schmidt is generally effective at building tension from quite a derivative idea. This does mostly amount to closeups on people’s faces to make the horror all the more intimate and personal, but it works so that’s all that matters. It helps that the film doesn’t stick around any longer than is absolutely necessary by running for a lean 85 minutes, and the script doesn’t hang about in bumping off the characters. This does mean however that there is very little in the way of characterisation for the (potential) victims. A possible side effect of this is you might only root for their survival because they’re better looking than the cannibals.

Without wishing to labour the pun, the reason for the cannibal’s existence is also not fleshed out to a decent extent. There is a very minor effort to provide some history to their existence in the intro credits but otherwise it’s something that is almost entirely ignored. Much like the role of the authorities in this matter – if that many people had gone missing in the area (and the local sheriff’s office has a high turnover of work-related deaths) then it stands to reason that somebody would have investigated and found them by now. Either that or the cannibals really are criminal masterminds, but the evidence shown in the film would indicate otherwise.

At least there’s some value in the production, doing enough unique things to separate it from the pack. The only curiosity is how this franchise has stretched to 6 films to date. While the idea of just adding more cannibals to the extended family is a simplistic way of doing it, this appears to be the approach that has been taken. Time will tell if this was a good or bad idea.

Freefall – Part 3

By

Simon Prior

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2016-03-27

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Good evening, and thank you for taking the time to read another short story. As you can tell from the title, this is part 3 of Freefall, an ongoing series of double drabbles (200 word stories) set in a science fiction world. In the last couple of episodes we’ve met the still unnamed protagonist, and the incredibly tall military man, Kohra, who is chasing him. This episode we’re back with our protagonist, who was last seen falling towards the planet in Part 1.

The escape pod had landed hard. The emergency chutes had been damaged by that one shot from his attackers. It could have been much worse. Another direct hit like that and he would have been atomised.

With his body aching all over he twisted the hatch open and let it drop to the floor outside. It hit the sand beneath with a dull thud. He’d been lucky to land here. The sand had cushioned much of the impact of landing.

He climbed out of the pod and dropped the few feet to the ground. He winced at the pain from his ankle. He must have twisted it on descent. He looked around.

He was well behind the front line, but the telltale signs of warfare were all around him. On the horizon the sky burned orange. Flashing lights, close to ground level, represented the huge siege guns used by both sides to pound the opposition into submission. The guns were unreliable at the best of times, more often than not falling short or far beyond their intended target. Trench warfare never changed.

The click of a gun from behind made him freeze. He turned slowly to face the unknown adversary.

The Package (2013) review

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Simon Prior

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"You think I'm going to let somebody who dresses like that shoot me?" — “You think I’m going to let somebody who dresses like that shoot me?”

Anyone not excited at the thought of “Stone Cold” Steve Austin and Dolph Lundgren facing off in an action film needs their head examined. What’s not to like about that idea?

Well, the script first and foremost. This is your standard direct to DVD fare, where Austin’s delivery man (well, that’s what he is) Tommy Wick has to deliver a package to Lundgren’s “The German”. Yes, it’s about as subtle as a brick to the face. Which, as it happens, is something that wouldn’t be out of place in this story. Watch and gasp as people get attacked and beaten up left, right and centre. Tommy is beset on all sides by various groups trying to get their hands on said package. And by package, I’m not referring to… you know.

And that’s it for story, albeit with a couple of emotional layers added for colour. It’s a shame that these aren’t developed further, but then this has clearly been produced to put the emphasis on Wick and The German alone. The secondary characters barely get a look in This is no bad thing, although some additional emphasis on the character’s motivations wouldn’t have hurt. Not much anyway.

Austin is solid as Wick, and thankfully not burdened with the standard action hero’s first name of “John”. Much like Jason Statham you know what you’re going to get from him when you see his name in the credits. That could seem like a discredit to Austin’s abilities, but nothing could be further from the truth. I’m quite the fan of his film roles, even if the material he’s given isn’t necessarily the best. Still, bills need to be paid and all that. Let’s be honest, you don’t usually want too much from your action hero, just enough of a personal life to see things through, give him something to fight for, or against, and that’ll do the trick.

Dolph Lundgren, fighting in his pyjamas. Class.

More fun is Dolph Lundgren, who lately is more and more in on the joke and increasingly a delight to watch. He plays The German almost, but not quite, up to 11. It’s a silly performance only reigned in by the fact he knows just how ridiculous he’s being. This we could do with seeing more of, although perhaps not too often. We have to think of the children, after all.

The script does its best to subvert your expectations and throws in an obligatory twist or two just for the sake of doing something a little different, but other than the casting, it’s a generic action flick with uninspired and surprisingly tedious action beats. Bearing in mind these sections are the whole purpose of the film, you’d think they’d put a little more effort into making the fights something special. Except, they’re not.

If you’re entertained by short, sharp bursts of action and either Stone Cold or Dolph Lundgren rocking the screen, then this will be right up your street. If not, then I’d either question why you’d be interested in watching a direct to DVD film in the first place, or possibly just poke you with a stick.

Short Story: I, Zombie – Part 4

By

Simon Prior

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2016-03-25

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Good evening all, I hope you’ve had a good week (assuming you’re only popping along every Friday for a short story and not one of my regular film reviews). This is part 4 of the I, Zombie story. Where will the story go? There’s only one way to find out…

“You realise that’s a stupid name for him, right?” Howard shook his head. He glanced into the rear view mirror and looked at the newly christened Pops. The presence of a zombie in such close proximity unnerved him, no matter how docile and compliant it seemed to be.
“You got anything better?” she shot back.
“No, I got nothing” he replied, switching his attention back to the road in front of him.

Abandoned vehicles had been left all over the road, but it looked as if somebody had already been through this way and cleared a path. All the better. The less time they had to spend out in the open the safer Howard would feel. He manoeuvred the jeep around a school bus that had overturned. It looked like it had been there a while, probably happened right at the very beginning of the outbreak. People had panicked, tried to get out of the cities as quickly as they could. They hadn’t realised that the virus had been airborne. It didn’t matter where you went, it would find you.

Pops wasn’t sure he liked the name that he had been given, but it was better than nothing for now. He looked around, feeling as if he was watching events through someone else’s eyes. It was like he was trapped inside this body, inside this mind, and there was no way his true identity would ever be seen again. Not that he knew anything about himself. Just the bodies in that hotel room, the blood…

It was then that he noticed the corners of his vision beginning to dim, the telltale sign that the hunger fog was beginning to descend on him once more. It was a subtle change, one that would have gone unnoticed had he not been paying attention to it.

Pops moved his hand towards his mouth in what he hoped was a gesture to show he needed food.
“Pops is hungry” said Jenkins, nodding her head at him.
“So what?” said Howard.
“So unless you want him to start chomping on us, you should pull over.”
Howard sighed and moved the jeep over to the side of the road in the first clearing he could find.
“Let it be noted on the record that I think stopping again is a bad idea.”
“Noted.” Jenkins said before turning to Pops. “Out you get.”
Pops stood and almost immediately fell over the side of the jeep straight to the ground. He landed with a solid thump and a cloud of dust. Jenkins covered her smile and jumped out after him.
“Here.” She offered him her hand. She wasn’t wearing gloves. All it would take was a quick bite and the hunger would be satisfied again.
He banished the thoughts as quickly as possible. He did not want to give in to that temptation. As soon as he did, his life such as it was would be over. He focused on the hunger itself, on an alternative food source. The cravings reduced until they were nothing more than a dull ache in his mind and in his gut.

Jenkins helped Pops to his feet. Her attention was distracted as rubble from the buildings nearby shifted, smashing on the ground below. Howard was already out of the jeep, his rifle loaded and ready to fire. Jenkins was a second or two behind him with her own. Pops stood behind them both. He could sense that something was amiss, but couldn’t place exactly what.

“Over there. Something’s moving.” Jenkins pointed towards the nearest building, 200 yards away.
Howard adjusted the sights on his rifle and looked down the scope. Sure enough, there was movement amongst the buildings.
He fired a warning shot.
“Come out with your hands where I can see ‘em!” he shouted into the darkness.

More rubble shifted. A zombie emerged from the building, drawn by the sound of the shot. Within seconds there were a dozen more, appearing from almost every building in the vicinity. As one they all made their way towards the jeep. Jenkins gasped. More and more of the dead were appearing, joining the crowd, following the herd.

It was as if every zombie within the city was descending upon them.

Future Shock! The Story of 2000 AD (2015) review

By

Simon Prior

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2000 AD's punk ethos embodied by co-creator Pat Mills. — 2000 AD’s punk ethos embodied by co-creator Pat Mills.

For any comic book to last longer than a few years, more so nowadays than ever before, it has to be doing something right. Such is the case for stalwart British comic 2000 AD, a magazine that I happen to have been subscribed to for a mere 14 years of its near 40 years of existence. This documentary presents a brief history of the comic, proceeding on a whistle stop tour of the comic’s highlights from its launch in 1977 to date.

As a fan of the comic since about 2002 (and a subscriber since then), there is plenty here that I already knew, but plenty that I didn’t. As far as a recommendation goes, whether you are a 2000 AD fan or a non-fan, there is plenty to get stuck into.

It is a sad fact that, more often than not, it is impossible to discuss real world matters without either offending somebody or being told that you are being insensitive towards those involved in the events. How do you get around this? By setting your stories in a science fiction world, naturally. It is this that has allowed 2000 AD to thrive by mixing solid action, adventure, thriller and horror stories with deep characterisation and storylines that reflect the world in which we live.

This documentary takes a talking heads approach to the comic, picking up interviews with many of its key players from its history. Sadly the likes of Alan Moore, Mark Millar and Garth Ennis declined to be interviewed, but we do get anecdotes and recollections from many comic industry greats such as Pat Mills and John Wagner (who helped launch the comic), and even the likes of Neil Gaiman, Bryan Talbot and the incredibly talented artist Carlos Ezquerra add to proceedings. Presented in a chapter style format, each transition to a new topic is signalled by a pleasing animated transition using panels from the comic, which perfectly fit in with 2000 AD’s punk aesthetic.

The purist in me dislikes the fact this was recorded on a DSLR camera.

While 2000 AD has proven to be a success story – how many other comics launched before 1990 (or even 1980) are still going strong? – the documentary doesn’t pull any punches and covers the less positive aspects of the comic’s history. That it was able to survive the creative lull it experienced in the 1990s is testament to its core concept and the benefit of being an anthology format. If a story doesn’t work there are four more to sink your teeth into.

While the content is interesting to fans and non-fans alike, it would have been nice to expand on some of the topics, all of which get a little time before whizzing onto the next. There is a glut of content that could be uncovered from the comic’s history and much of it barely gets a mention.

But then crafting an entertaining narrative and boiling the story down to its core elements is no easy task. For its brief running time there is a lot of ground covered. Here’s hoping the uncut interviews see a separate release, the Pat Mills conversation alone looks like it could be a killer.

Zombie Flesh Eaters 3 (1989) review

By

Simon Prior

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We’re back in the realm of voodoo zombies in Zombie Flesh Eaters 3, once again only linked to the previous films in name alone. Accompanied by a cheesy power ballad from Al Festa (no, me either), a woman returns to an island where her parents were killed by the living dead when she was a young child. Joining her are a group of mercenaries hired to protect her on the expedition. Is it worth me explaining precisely what happens next, or are you with me on that one? Yeah, if you know your zombie cinema, you know exactly what’s going to happen.

The gaps in logic are, frankly, horrendous. It’s either due to bad acting, bad direction, bad editing or a combination of all three, but at times of mortal peril the last thing you want to do is stand around for thirty seconds waiting for death’s clammy embrace. Despite being a mere 80 minutes long (84 minutes in NTSC format) it still feels baggy and dramatically stilted. I’ve seen all sorts of zombie films, from the great to the very worst, and it won’t surprise you if I say this is right at the bottom end of the scale.

A couple of decent gore effects aside, this is an example of just how ridiculous the apparently serious side of the zombie genre had become by the 1980s. Or, perhaps, the exploitative “make a quick buck” side of the genre. At the more entertaining side of the spectrum were the likes of Return of the Living Dead if you wanted laughs, or Romero’s own Day of the Dead if you were after a much more nihilistic stab at things. But this? No, it’s not very good.

It doesn’t get off to a good start, with a slightly overweight voodoo priest chanting some arcane nonsense while a clone of Tina Turner writhes around the place nearby. If you think that’s bad, it gets worse in the space of a couple of minutes. She becomes this shrieking zombie creature complete with horrendous false teeth, and the voodoo priest starts clutching his not so manly bosom. I’m not sure what this was supposed to tell us, other than voodoo is probably a bad idea.

Look out for a case of terrible parenting as well. Despite having ample space and opportunity to escape from the living dead, Jenny (that woman who returns years later) is told by her mother to run away into the jungle… all by herself. Then she’s surrounded – very, very slowly – and devoured by the dead. Here’s a thought: next time, just run through the forest with your daughter to safety. Trust me, you’d make it.

Aside from the soundtrack – which is so bad it’s good – and the gore, there is also pleasure to found in the exotic tropical location. The sad thing is you have to look beyond the poor acting to see it. More often than not your eye will be drawn back to the inane discussions taking place in the foreground.

And there is the biggest issue of all – it’s basically people standing around for a long time watching stuff happen. And they mostly spend it sat in just the one building while the zombies, often wearing black rags that make them look like ninja zombies, wait patiently for them outside.

Save yourself the time – don’t bother.

Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 (1988) review

By

Simon Prior

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And the zombies hadn't even taken a bite of him. — And the zombies hadn’t even taken a bite of him.

Lucio Fulci has a reputation that is one part horror genius, one part derivative hack. He’s at his best when he’s not pulling almost direct inspiration from other more notable sources. Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 is not only derivative of other better zombie films, but it is an illogical bit of nonsense that has no link to the previous Zombi movies apart from the fact they share a name.

And that is because you’ll have seen most of this done before. The contrast between the military and the scientist community in Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 is practically the same as George Romero’s Day of the Dead released a few years previously. Working together, they have conjured up a virus, cunningly named Death One, that has the power to bring the dead back to life and wreak havoc on the populace. Clever chaps. Meanwhile a group of soldiers on leave join up with a bus full of young men and women in order to survive, and they find themselves on the receiving end of the zombie plague.

I don’t ask too much from zombie films as they are usually very much like their subject matter – a total shambles. The one thing I do ask for, no matter how bad the script or performances, is that the zombies have consistency. If they run, then they run. If they shamble, they shamble. If they have the power of speech, to brandish a weapon or the ability to plan an attack, then by all means go ahead and give them these powers. The rule of thumb is that you give them one power or a select few as appropriate and leave it that. Here, instead, they are an amalgam of different abilities but always inconsistent. Some shamble, some use weapons, some can leap great heights. Heck, some even have no body and yet are still capable of projecting their disembodied head towards their prey.

In its favour, there are about half a dozen solid shots that demonstrate how good both Fulci and backup director Bruno Mattei can be, but these are tarnished by a nonsensical plot and at least thirty more shots which don’t make sense. It’s possibly only because of Mattei stepping in at the last minute, due to Fulci’s failing health, that the film isn’t worse than this. Apparently, he contributed about 40% of the final cut of the film after Fulci’s contributions were whittled down to about 50 minutes of footage. The significant contributions from Mattei are, it seems, all of the sequences featuring the military and the hazmat suited soldiers, which give the story context and make a lot more sense.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I have to confirm that Zombie Flesh Eaters 2 just isn’t very good. It tries to be coherent and fails, possibly because of the two directors behind it. Had either Fulci or Mattei had full creative control – without outside influence – then it might have been worthy of a bigger historical note than being that film with the flying zombie head.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z44sXNXMCr4

Zombie Flesh Eaters (1979) review

By

Simon Prior

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Splinter of wood... in the... eye! — Splinter of wood… in the… eye!

A man with a pistol shooting a shrouded body in the head. A yacht, seemingly abandoned, floats into the harbour at New York. The harbourmaster investigates and finds a zombie on board. After biting and killing one of the harbour guards, the zombie is dispatched. But where did the zombie plague originate? Naturally, somebody has to go and find out.

Known in some circles as Zombi 2, Zombie Flesh Eaters is an unofficial sequel to George Romero’s Dawn of the Dead, known as Zombi in European territories thanks to Dario Argento (ahh, the penny doth drop).

Ian McCulloch is Peter West, our dashing English lead and a reporter for a newspaper in New York who heads off to a remote tropical island along with the daughter (Tisa Farrow) of the man who owned the yacht. From New York they head out to the tropics where a scientist (Richard Johnson) is messing about with things that he shouldn’t.

Quite apart from all of Fulci’s usual techniques, which include crash zooms, excessive amounts of blood and gore, and the obligatory “person being pushed very slowly towards something that will pierce an eye/face/head” sequence, we have a vast array of sequences where we get to watch a director in his element. This comes at the expense of believable performances, which have never been a strong point of his features. On balance, the practical effects in both the gore and the make up (mud masks are your best friend if you want to create zombies) are generally superb.

There is a brief amount of almost standard Euro nudity (a woman strips down to go diving, watched with some vaguely uncomfortable intensity by McCulloch. It’s almost as if he hasn’t seen a topless woman before. Maybe he hadn’t?). But top of the list is the absolute insanity that is a zombie fighting underwater, to the death (or undeath) with a shark. It’s a bonkers highlight in what would otherwise be a mostly by the book zombie feature.

Trying to explain the origin for Romero’s zombies, in particular linking them to the voodoo origin of the zombie legend, isn’t the best of routes to follow. There is more power in not knowing where they came from. It also feels a little weaker than Fulci’s other horror films, mostly because he’s limited to playing in a world that somebody else has created, not able to introduce the supernatural element that he would use to great effect elsewhere. Zombie Flesh Eaters does work best when considered on its own merits rather than as a Romero sequel. Luckily the link between the two can be easily forgotten.

His zombies are gruesome in appearance, much more grounded and realistic than Romero’s blue skinned undead. The island setting is chilling, as is the film’s ending. It is an iconic shot in itself, one that I won’t spoil here.

The soundtrack works well, all Euro synths and impending threat. It works as well in isolation as it does within the context of the film, where it is just as likely to give you cold chills as it is to subtly ramp up the tension.

It’s not a high class film, but it was never intended to be. It may have been a video nasty, but in the context of the era and the moral panic that ensued, this is understandable. In either case, it is a film that is a worthy entry in the zombie canon and ticks all the boxes a fan of the genre could hope for. And, again, there’s that zombie versus shark moment underwater.

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