Wake of Death (2004)

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2014-09-24

Twitter Plot Summary: Van Damme, dressed all in black, seeks revenge for the death of his wife.

Five Point Summary:

1. Who brings a random Chinese girl home? This will end badly.
2. Called it – it did end badly. Silly woman.
3. Who would have thought the best scene would feature two old men torturing another man?
4. All the budget clearly went on the car chase.
5. That’s a very cheap finale.

Opening with a brief action sequence followed by a James Bond style opening credits montage, Wake of Death marks perhaps one of the more stylish entries in the latter works of Jean Claude Van Damme. He is Ben, a man who finds himself tired of the gangster life – partying, drinks, drugs, and punching people in the face repeatedly. He chooses to go straight so he can spend more time with his wife and son. Meanwhile his wife Cynthia randomly brings home a young Chinese girl who she finds on board a ship of immigrants. Naturally (because it would otherwise be a very boring film) the girl happens to be the daughter of a nasty Triad chap, who goes in search of his daughter and kills Cynthia in the process. Ben gets to use his particular set of skills whilst seeking revenge for his wife’s death and to rescue both his son and the Chinese girl who caused all of this in the first place. So far, so cliche.

And from this drawn out and lengthy opening it subsequently does nothing new with the action revenge template, although it’s not without its occasional positive points. There are a lot of random action sequences designed to show off Van Damme’s martial arts skills and to further demonstrate that he hasn’t physically fallen apart to the same extent as fellow action stalwart Steven Seagal. Blood flows with reckless abandon, and Van Damme stalks around, dressed all in black, like a bored avenging angel. Of course, by bored that should read “anguished” – it’s hard to tell the difference between the two.

That would serve him right for driving too fast after the road had just been resurfaced.

But you’re not watching Wake of Death to guess whether Van Damme is emotionally traumatised by the death of his wife or if he’s just suffering from a minor case of constipation, you’re here to watch him beat up bad guys. As it happens the action is well handled, although more often than not it’s obscured by the low light and muddy cinematography. A car chase sequence provides moderate interest but only because the white car driven by Van Damme is the only thing that stands out in the darkness. That and the massive fireball – fans of the same explosion shot from seventeen billion different angles are well served. The sequence is tarnished slightly from the fact it opens the movie and then we see it again in the correct sequence – almost an admission from the filmmakers that this is the best part of the film and subsequently deserves to be seen twice. By the time the narrative catches up with that sequence it lacks any dramatic force whatsoever, because we know there’s still another 15 minutes to go before the end credits. That idea deserves a slow hand clap.

It also proves itself to be a slightly gnarly film, one not afraid to show a man being tortured for information by two bald men who shout a lot and attack him with a power drill. It’s a nasty sequence and proves to be the best part of the story after the car chase, providing something a little bit different outside of the usual template. There’s even the obligatory shot of Van Damme’s backside as he gets intimate with his wife. Because no Van Damme film is complete without him showing off how toned he still is. Or something. Wake of Death is deservedly placed in the bargain bin section, but if you’re into your action films (or Van Damme’s buttocks) then there are a few elements worthy of your time.

Score: 1.5/5

The Reunion (2011)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-23

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Cena awoke to find himself in a sub-par movie.

Twitter Plot Summary: Three brothers reunite after the death of their father, and they have a little adventure.

Five Point Summary:

1. Amy Smart’s obligatory 5 minute appearance.
2. The brothers have an argument. One of them speaks in Spanish.
3. The youngest brother gets it on with a woman.
4. John Cena’s fifteenth hat of the film…
5. Horses! Shootouts! Drugs!

John Cena proved himself to be surprisingly adept at the old action hero routine in 2006’s The Marine and 2009’s 12 Rounds, and is perhaps one of a select few professional wrestlers who could quite easily make a successful transition to the silver screen from the squared circle should his career choices push him more firmly in that direction. For now though, we must endure typically weak output from WWE Films, The Reunion being a member of this ever-increasing and highly non-prestigious group.

Cena is one of four kids who are brought back together following the death of their father, consisting of three brothers (Cena, Ethan Embry, Boyd Holbrook) and a sister in the form of Amy Smart. The three brothers have the same father but different mothers, and until that point either weren’t aware of each other or had chosen to go their separate ways. It is the death of their previously drunken father that brings them all together with the promise of a great big wad of cash if they work as a team on this one job.

The director loved to have a captive cast.

They quickly find themselves mixed in with a drug cartel south of the border in Mexico, and that’s where things start to go wrong. That’s both in terms of what happens to them, and the quality of the film. Smart is the quote/unquote big name star of the film, and true to the established WWE Films pattern is only in it for a few key scenes – another weekend shooting schedule, clearly. That leaves Cena, Embry and Holbrook to carry the rest of the narrative, which focuses mostly on their bickering and family strife. Rather fortuitously, they each have specific skills that will allow them to make valid contributions to the adventure – Cena’s Sam, the older brother, is a cop who has been suspended for being too violent against perps. Middle brother Leo is good with money and with languages, while the youngest brother, Holbrook’s Douglas, is a petty thief with a face and patter that the ladies find irresistible.

It seems that The Reunion is mainly an excuse for Cena to show how good he looks in a number of different hats. And he gets through a lot of them – almost every opportunity he gets, he’s in a new hat. Luckily for us he didn’t resort to a bowler hat. Beyond that, the story only benefits from the occasionally amusing interplay between the three brothers as events gradually escalate into a final showdown with a big bad who is neither big nor particularly bad. He’s no Heisenberg, that’s for sure. Still, the location shooting means it doesn’t look bad in the slightest, Mexico looks particularly enticing despite the inference that it is full of drug lords. It’s not often that you get to say this either, but Cena is another example of a professional wrestler who looks as though he should be moving on to bigger and better things. Once he makes a break from the WWE Films fold, he might actually make something of himself in the movie business.

Score: 2/5

Inside Out (2011)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-22

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Triple H - taking the art of staring at walls to an all new level. — Triple H – taking the art of staring at walls to an all new level.

Twitter Plot Summary: After spending several years in prison, AJ soon finds himself back in shady territory. Also Michael Rapaport doesn’t shut up.

Five Point Summary:

1. Michael Rapaport talking. A lot.
2. Shut up, Michael Rapaport.
3. Seriously, shut up.
4. Oh, he has. Finally.
5. I don’t think any of that made any sense.

What will strike you first and foremost is how much Michael Rapaport talks. Within the first 15 minutes it feels like 95% of the dialogue emerges from his mouth. If he was paid by the word rather than a flat fee, he’d have raked it in for this film. This, as it happens, is not a good thing, as he is thoroughly irritating.

For better or for worse Paul “Triple H” Levesque isn’t given that much to do in terms of demonstrating his acting ability. This could be considered to be either a good or a bad thing, because the reality is that Michael Rapaport dominates proceedings, and given that the guy is apparently only capable of a one-note performance it’s almost a shame that their roles aren’t reversed. It would have then at least stood a chance of being more than just a bargain basement production – although with that said the direction from Artie Mandelberg isn’t too bad.

Triple H plays ex-con AJ, recently released from prison after 13 years inside, who inadvertently gets involved in more shady dealings thanks to his former best friend, and has a peculiar obsession with pickling food. What is supposed to be a simple cash handover soon leads to events spiralling out of control in a very vague and uninteresting way. Several aspects of the narrative aren’t clearly explained, and despite the fairly languorous pace the script still somehow seems to be in a rush to get to the end credits. You reach the end questioning what’s actually happened, as other than a couple of explosions there is little that stands out by the end credits.

His method of hiding bodies really needed some work.

Once you’ve seen a few WWE Films features, a pattern starts to emerge – low rate action movies starring a professional wrestler, with stories destined straight for the bargain DVD basket. Occasionally they pull in a reasonably big named star – in this case Bruce Dern, who in the finest tradition of big name actors in dross films looks like he shot all of his scenes in a couple of days. The remaining key cast include Parker Posey, who still lacks any defining qualities, Julie White (aka Shia LeBeouf’s mum in Transformers) as Martha, an agent for the tax board and a tendency for only communicating in exposition, and Michael Cudlitz as a detective who assists Martha in putting the bad guys away. They’re not a very interesting bunch, some badly portrayed jealousy from Rapaport’s Jack being the only real point of note, and that’s only because there’s no subtlety to his performance.

Despite the star being a professional wrestler, there is too little action and too much time spent engrossed in some awful melodrama. It only starts to come to life once Triple H gets to bash some skulls together, but by that point the 60 minutes of meandering and frankly unnecessary plot have done little to rescue it, and it’s soon followed by another 20 minutes of yet more melodrama. You would think WWE Films would focus on providing some decent action films rather than nonsense like this – it’s a supreme waste of Triple H’s talents, such as they are.

Score: 1/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VAVrmJdyzsQ

No Holds Barred and The Nostalgia Factor

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-21

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When I was younger I was a big fan of the World Wrestling Federation. It was the era of big colourful characters, over the top action and storylines that were, for the most part, appropriate for a younger audience. One of the oldest VHS tapes I once owned was WWF Summerslam 1989. The card for the event was hardly the best the organisation had to offer, however the main event was a tag team match where Hulk Hogan and Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake (yes, I know…) faced off against Macho Man Randy Savage (again, I know…) and Zeus. Now, Zeus was in fact actor Tiny Lister, and his character had been established in the film No Holds Barred. As that film didn’t perform all too well at the box office, WWF owner Vince McMahon decided to try and recoup some of the money he lost on the project by attaching No Holds Barred to the Pay Per View of Summerslam 89 and linking it to the scripted feud between Hogan and Zeus.

That main event was hardly stellar. In fact I consider it to be one of the weaker elements of the whole event, and that’s taking into account that the event itself wasn’t one of the best. Because Lister’s abilities in the squared circle were incredibly limited he spent much of his time stood on the ring apron while Randy Savage, an accomplished technical wrestler, did most of the work in the ring. When Lister was called into action his role was to “no-sell” every kick and punch thrown at him and pretend to be some invincible, unstoppable opponent. Then, at a key point, he would be struck in the head by a foreign object which would weaken him and allow Hogan and Beefcake to score a victory. For the non-wrestling fans out there, it’s as preposterous as it sounds. Lister continued in the Zeus role for a little while longer after this until the feud reached its much needed conclusion.

Now, the moral of the story here is that actors do not necessarily make good wrestlers, and vice versa. Tiny Lister has developed a decent acting career but he was awful in a professional wrestling capacity. Throwing him to the top of the card (wrestling jingo for “headliner”) solely on the basis of his film character being a little bit menacing was an unnecessary move at the expense of much more talented wrestlers. There may have been financial reasons for doing this, but it stands out as one of the worst headlining feuds in modern wrestling history. Furthermore this decision was made off the back of a film that is genuinely bad and poorly conceived, which makes the move into the world of professional wrestling all the more galling. Still, in one respect it did then open the door for film stars to show up on WWF/WWE programming in order to promote their films, so in the long run it has arguably expanded cinema’s reach to a wider audience, which is always a good thing.

The Boxtrolls (2014)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-20

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Twitter Plot Summary: The BoxTrolls raise a young boy for 10 years, scavenging from the town of Cheesebridge and hunted by exterminator Archibald Snatcher.

Five Point Summary:

1. Welcome to Cheesebridge, where cheese and white hats are coveted.
2. Eggs and Winnie, great combo. Much like cheese and wine.
3. Henchmen who are convinced they’re the good guys. Of course.
4. Maybe it’d be a good idea if you didn’t eat cheese, Archibald.
5. Jelly! Hehe!

2014 has proven to be a little light on solid children’s films, so it was with some happiness it’s a pleasure to report that The Boxtrolls marks perhaps one of the better animated films of the year, if not for its engaging story and gorgeous stop motion animation, but for its down and dirty presentation and its willingness to revel in muck and grime – a favourite pastime of children everywhere. Except the ones who aren’t allowed to go out and get mucky, of course.

With elements of Tim Burton’s stop motion work and sound effects culled from the same category as the Mudokons in Abe’s Oddyssee, the BoxTrolls are a loveable bunch of underground dwelling scavengers who are identified by the products described on the front of the boxes they live in – Wheels, Fish, Oil Can and so on. In their cave beneath the town they sleep under artificial stars that gradually fade out as their numbers are reduced and their cave falls into disrepair. They are hunted by the red hats led by the sinister Archibald Snatcher (Kingsley). Sir Ben Kingsley is almost unrecognisable as Snatcher, a man who covets a white hat which, in the town of Cheesebridge, symbolises power and respect, yet covets more the array of cheese that those with white hats are privileged to consume daily.

The remaining voice cast are equally as enjoyable, including Jared Harris as Lord Portley-Rind and Nick Frost and Richard Ayoade as Snatcher’s henchmen. There’s also an enjoyably mad turn from Simon Pegg as a jelly-obsessed character. The bulk of the film however is carried by youngsters Isaac Hempstead-Wright as Eggs and Elle Fanning as Winnie, youngsters bonded by their shared history of absent fathers. Winnie is obsessed with the possibly gruesome aspects of the Boxtrolls, all of which prove, for her, to sadly be false. Eggs is a baby raised by the Boxtrolls and throughout the film has to learn how to be a human again, with hilarious consequences.

"Archibald Snatcher, at your service. I'll also take that white hat, while I'm here. Much obliged." — “Archibald Snatcher, at your service. I’ll also take that white hat, while I’m here. Much obliged.”

The story is pitched at just the right level to appeal to a wide audience, with Eggs kidnapped as a baby and feared killed by the Boxtrolls, who scavenge unwanted items and essentially recycle them by finding other uses for them. Thematically there’s a surprising amount to be taken away if you look for it, but even from just a surface level interpretation it is a thoroughly enjoyable adventure, with enough twists and turns and moments of action and suspense to tick most of the genre boxes.

The Boxtrolls is ideal entertainment for the younger market, in particular young girls and boys who have an obsession with squiggly creatures and dirt. That’s not to say it doesn’t have appeal to adults – the jokes amuse frequently and the animation is first class. If you have an allergy to cheese then you may wish to avoid it, however – not only does it feature quite prominently but Archibald Snatcher has a, shall we say, minor allergic reaction to the merest whiff of cheese. You have been warned.

Score: 4/5

A Serious Man (2009)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-19

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Twitter Plot Summary: Larry Gopnik is a man for whom everything is going wrong, and all at the same time. Of all the luck, eh?

Five Point Summary:

1. Inviting a stranger into the home.
2. Everything is falling apart for him. Poor chap.
3. Denying Abraxas.
4. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t.
5. Are things on the up? Probably not.

The movies of the Coen Brothers often revel in the mundane and the offbeat, and A Serious Man is no different. Set in the 1950s the story follows Michael Stuhlbarg’s Larry Gopnik, a classic Coen Brothers creation as a man who is put-upon from all sides. His wife is leaving him, he works in a mundane teaching job where he is bribed by his Korean student, and he lacks the ability to stand up for himself in almost every respect. Despite his keen love of mathematics, he’s unable to work out why things are going wrong – they just do, and he’s lost like a toy boat thrown into the abyss by a freak tidal wave. Ever thought your life was heading the wrong way? You’ve got nothing when compared to Larry Gopnik. The man seriously can’t catch a break. Then again he’s fictional, so perhaps that argument isn’t all that watertight…

The film opens with a stand-alone short story that has no link to the main feature other than perhaps a thematic one. Within the film proper Gopnik tells the story of Schrodinger’s Cat to help explain the mathematics behind the story – an explanation that falls on confused and uncomprehending ears. Gopnik then finds himself on the other end of the confusion when he consults with the second rabbi about his quickly unravelling existence. The Rabbi’s parables, offered by The Big Bang Theory’s Simon Helberg, are steeped in religious dogma yet don’t make their point clear – something which the young rabbi clearly needs to work on. There’s the surface level of commentary on the Jewish faith here, but there are numerous layers to it as well. Gopnik denying of Santana’s Abraxas album is both an obvious reference yet delightfully obtuse at the same time.

As for Gopnik, he’s forced out of his own home by his wife Judith (Sari Lennick) shacking up with widowed neighbour Sy Ableman (a wonderfully amusing performance from Fred Melamed) and has to live in a motel room with Uncle Arthur (Richard Kind), who has his own gambling problem and issues to contend with. Michael Stuhlbarg’s performance as Gopnik is clearly a career-defining one, and at the very least put his name out there as somebody to look out for. He somehow manages to noticeably flip between confusion and puzzlement at everything that’s going on around him. The fact all of this takes place in very much a deadpan way is perhaps the least peculiar aspect of the film. Strong performances from everyone else in the cast do no harm.

It’s very Jewish and very 1960s, and it’s easy to describe it as a film where not much really happens beyond a couple of unfortunate incidents, much like the Coen’s other recent effort Burn After Reading. This is entirely to be expected of the Coen Brothers however, and whilst it is unlikely to be marked out as one of their more lauded or notable efforts to the masses (who are in fact completely wrong) it is still a worthy entry into their catalogue.

Score: 4/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7iggyFPls4w

Before I Go To Sleep (2014)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-18

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Her husband was into some really scary stuff.

Twitter Plot Summary: Christine suffers from memory loss. What happened to her, and which of the two men in her life is telling the truth?

Five Point Summary:

1. Photos in the bathroom. Because moisture doesn’t affect paper at all.
2. Video diary. Nice narrative device.
3. Memory flashes, and stories start to unravel…
4. Argh, who’s telling the truth?!
5. Appropriate ending, but lacks punch.

Before I Go To Sleep is one of several movie adaptation of a novel being released this year, this one coming from the book of the same name by author SJ Watson. Starring Nicole Kidman, Colin Firth and Mark Strong, this is a story of amnesia, past abuse, and trying to work out which character is lying – because, obviously, someone has to be.

Christine (Kidman) wakes up one morning not knowing who the man sleeping next to her is. The bathroom wall is covered with photos of her and the man, Ben (Firth), and indicates that they are married and have been a couple for some years. He explains her situation, that there was an accident many years ago and she lost her memory as a result. After running through her list of allergies, interests etc, he heads off to work and leaves her to get on with her day.

Then things get more interesting as Dr Nasch (Strong) calls her to advise that he’s been providing therapy sessions for her behind Ben’s back, and that she has been keeping a video diary. Christine’s use of a video diary to recount her days is a nice twist on the original novel’s written entries, and is a more appropriate means of presenting this in a cinematic setting.

As the plot develops, it becomes more and more unclear as to who is lying and which of Christine’s memory flashes are true or just the result of her damaged mind. Threads of her past life slowly come to the fore, saving the narrative from treading similar territory as Groundhog Day. There’s also some solid direction on show, blurring the lines between fantasy and reality and leaving the audience in the dark until the time is right for the big reveal.

The art of sitting in adjacent chairs facing opposite directions.

The drab, domestic setting does plenty to keep things feeling claustrophobic, a feeling that remains even when Christine ventures outside. It’s light on locations with much of the action taking place within Christine and Ben’s home, relying on the strength of Kidman and Firth’s performances to keep things going. They’re more than capable of holding up their end of this bargain, Kidman in particular portrays a porcelain level of fragility that makes it easy to empathise with her, although it’s Mark Strong who arguably steals the show as he invariably does. Much like Ben, Dr Nasch is a complicated character and Strong is adept at enhancing those character traits with the minimum of effort.

Before I Go To Sleep is a well-structured thriller backed up by good direction and strong performances from the three central actors of Kidman, Strong and Firth. It could have been improved by seeing more of Christine’s life building up to the accident, but there’s enough there for everything to slot into place for the audience to understand her situation. It also suffers from an anticlimax of a final scene which lacks the impact of the build-up established earlier in the story. Still, everything escalates at a nice pace leading up to that slightly lacklustre ending, and that is perhaps why the finale lacks the punch it would otherwise have had.

Score: 3.5/5

No Holds Barred (1989)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-17

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Hulkamania is running wild! Except, it isn't. — Hulkamania is running wild! Except, it isn’t.

Twitter Plot Summary: Rip is a very popular pro wrestler, and a smarmy network executive wants to tempt him over to a rival network. FOR RATINGS!

Five Point Summary:

1. Isn’t that Ax from Demolition?
2. Battle of the Tough Guys. Stupid name.
3. That sleeping arrangement is never going to work.
4. Fighting in a forge? Seriously?
5. That’s a bit of an extreme ending…

There’s a thin line between fiction and reality, and it’s one that professional wrestling depends on in order to pull in an audience. That line is blurred further in No Holds Barred with Hulk Hogan playing WWF Champion Rip, a man popular with the fans and a huge draw towards that network. And thus, it is only correct that other networks want a piece of the Rip pie, and subsequently try and lure him away and break his contract with WWF by offering a ridiculously well paid deal.

Kurt Fuller borders on annoying as Brell, the stereotypical suited villain. He’s a television executive determined to bring super-popular wrestler Rip to his network, however his less than scrupulous methods are met with derision from Rip. From here it’s obvious what will happen next – Brell goes in search of a challenger who has the power to defeat Rip and further increase their ratings. It’s all very much the same as any standard professional wrestling rivalry, so there are no surprises there.

Hogan’s acting ability did improve slightly over time, but you could never say he had range. He’s at his worst in No Holds Barred, which is ironic given that he’s essentially playing himself. Meanwhile Tom “Tiny” Lister is Zeus, a mountain of a man who is seemingly invincible and a potent threat to Rip. It doesn’t help that he walks everywhere as if he’s soiled himself, or that his arms and legs have been welded into place. Thankfully his subsequent pro wrestling career was short-lived, although he’s still a better actor than Hogan. Mark Pellegrino was clearly paying his dues in the industry at this time, being the little brother of Rip and looking stupidly young. Judging his performance here, he clearly got much better.

Zeus didn't want to say it, but he suffered from terrible constipation. — Zeus didn’t want to say it, but he suffered from terrible constipation.

The script was reportedly re-written by Vince McMahon and Hulk Hogan, and it shows. Rip spends much of his time gurning and smashing everywhere up. It’s amazing he’s allowed to go anywhere given how much wanton destruction he inflicts. Brell’s television network should be crushed in the ratings solely for calling his show “Battle of the Tough Guys”. The first 75 minutes are just a build up to a final climactic showdown between Rip and Zeus, and does nothing much of interest beyond offering a few moments of amusement. If No Holds Barred could be likened to a particular brand of cheese, it would most likely be a Roquefort.

The music at least isn’t too bad, being provided by WWF/WWE stalwart musician Jim Johnston, the man who gave us just about all of the notable wrestler intro themes from the 80s to date. It fits with the style of the film and frequently exceeds the production’s quality. In that respect the direction isn’t half bad either, but it’s one of those cases where you desperately look for positives amongst the many negative qualities presented to you. It’s a work of its time, that’s certainly true, however it will likely have almost no appeal to anyone with no interest, past or present, in professional wrestling.

Score: 2.5/5

Total Retribution (2011)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-16

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She was dead excited about starring in this film. Or merely dead.

Twitter Plot Summary: Survivors on a space station fight zombies. Well, almost zombies. Really quite bad zombies.

Five Point Summary:

1. Is she ever going to put some clothes on?
2. You call them zombies? Pah, I say! PAH!
3. Tybalt shows up – almost the film’s saviour.
4. The obligatory “lots of people die” sequence.
5. I’m not really sure what’s going on now. Nor do I really care.

With CGI akin to a mid-90s video game, Total Retribution does not get off to a good start. The next sequence featuring a naked woman painted white (apparently to indicate that she has been cryogenically frozen by the extras who have strolled in from 1989’s Star Trek 5: The Final Frontier), and yet more bad special effects designed to cover up their lack of budget, and aptly sets up the remaining 60-odd minutes of the film. It takes this woman nearly 20 minutes to find some clothes, by that point it’s almost not worth her covering up. Still, she does so and the plot continues on regardless.

As for that plot, it’s primarily about a bunch of survivors on a station orbiting Earth, who in a bid to escape are forced into combat with zombies. Well, sort of. To even call them zombies is offensive, each of the “sort of” undead moves like they have no concept of what acting actually requires (like pretending you’re someone or something else), let alone the idea that zombies may move in a specific way because they’re dead.

The bad, near laughable CGI isn’t the only problem facing Total Retribution, although it’s certainly a contributing factor. The acting is equally as bad and equally as laughable, a cavalcade of low rent actors say a few lines and either do some angry acting or demonstrate that perhaps it might be worth reconsidering their chosen career path. It has all the hallmarks of a ridiculously low budget film, right up to and including the limited number of sets and frequent extreme close-ups of each person in the cast – because there isn’t enough room to fit their entire bodies in the frame.

Events take a turn for the better when the amusingly effeminate Colonel Tybalt flounces around the corner and provides a modicum of entertainment in the final third, but he is subsequently underused and could have perhaps done with being introduced a little earlier just to keep the audience interested.

Apparently, this is a zombie. Yeah, right.

Lurking somewhere behind all of this awfulness is a script that in better hands might have resulted in a half decent film, albeit with a few rewrites to address the logical inconsistencies and the multiple elements of the narrative that remain unclear. The fault doesn’t lie with the script writer (Montserrat Mendez) in this instance, as her original script is much clearer than the final product (the script is available on Pandora Machine’s website via a web search). Instead it’s entirely down to the interpretation of that script and its transition from page to screen.

Rather admirably, Pandora Machine freely admit that their final productions are made quickly and on the cheap, so therefore in their words, whilst the film is made “as good as possible” this may mean it is not “as good as we’d like”. They deserve respect for managing to finish their film rather than getting halfway through production and calling it quits, but sadly that doesn’t necessarily equate to it being a good film. It lands well wide of the mark we would ordinarily accept, and there’s no coming back from that.

Score: 0.5/5

Lake Placid (1999)

By

Simon Prior

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2014-09-15

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They were more than ready for the imminent arrival of Oliver Platt.

Twitter Plot Summary: A giant crocodile causes havoc in a small lakeside town. Everyone tries to be more sarcastic than the next person.

Five Point Summary:

1. Apparently this is not the best lake to swim in.
2. Sarcasm. Lots of sarcasm.
3. Oliver Platt, welcome.
4. That’s a big alligator.
5. Things go boom.

What exactly did happen to Bill Pullman? The answer is that in reality he didn’t go anywhere, in fact he’s been making films and TV series with some regularity in the fifteen years since Lake Placid was released, it’s just that none of them have had the same level of saturation and/or success as this, his last big film of the 1990s, a decade in which he could seemingly do no wrong.

Bill Pullman is just the tip of this casting iceberg, with the likes of Brendan Gleeson, Oliver Platt, Bridget Fonda and Betty White adding big name support to what is an inherently B or even C grade creature feature. Where Lake Placid differs from its low budget brethren is that it finds the right balance between the gory aspects and the pitch perfect comedy, and embraces the fact there is little here beyond a big creature and massive levels of sarcasm.

Lake Placid doesn’t outstay its welcome by clocking in at just over 80 minutes, yet it also doesn’t rush at unveiling the creature. Instead a good portion of time is spent on that rarest of things – character development. That is, development of their sarcasm genes. It seems everybody involved in the hunt for the man-eating crocodile is automatically antagonistic to everybody else, and that’s no bad thing. They do say that conflict is key to a good story after all. As the group of Sheriff Keough (Gleeson), paleontology expert Kelly Scott (Fonda) and Fish and Game chap Jack Wells (Pullman) begin their investigation into the death of a diver and the creature that caused it, the arguments begin almost immediately. Oliver Platt soon jets in like a rock star, a crocodile expert who decides to assist in the investigation, setting up further opportunity for everyone to complain and throw in amusing bon mots every now and again. If deadpan delivery could win academy awards, everyone in this cast would have been nominated.

The lengths some fishermen will go to to get a bite... — The lengths some fishermen will go to to get a bite…

When the creature does show up, it’s worth the wait, not only because the scares are effective but also because the sarcasm and confrontational attitudes somehow increase in intensity. The CGI isn’t all that bad given the film’s age, and are balanced nicely by the use of some nice practical effects for the creature close-ups. In many respects it’s a typical late-90s production, putting a mixture of older and newer effect techniques to good use. It’s also an incredibly shallow film (no water-based pun intended) if you take away the arguments and sarcasm, but it provides entertainment and for that alone it rates far higher than your traditional creature feature.

It may not be highbrow cinema, but Lake Placid is pure entertainment and it’s surprising that nobody else has tried to replicate this formula elsewhere. Where the plot is liable to be just another standard creature feature with generic performances, characters and dialogue, give your characters a bit of an attitude and see what happens. Based on what Lake Placid achieved, it certainly wouldn’t hurt.

Score: 4/5

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