Bad Santa (2003) review

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Twitter Plot Summary: Billy Bob Thornton is a Bad Santa. Plus there is a fat kid. And… scene.

When you think about Christmas movies, it’s rare that they break from a very specific formula. The majority are family friendly, ideal fodder for early afternoon screenings over the Christmas season. For this reason it’s all the more notable when we get a film that breaks from that formula and does its own thing. Bad Santa is one such movie. It might be set in the festive period but it’s definitely not your typical feel good Christmas story.

Billy Bob Thornton is Willie, a career criminal who robs department stores over Christmas while working as their Santa Claus. He is aided by Tony Cox as Marcus, under cover as one of Santa’s elves – albeit one with fake elf ears that are the wrong skin colour. Willie is a man who is clearly not suited for working with children due to him being almost permanently drunk and having an uncontrollable potty mouth. Yet he seems unable to break from a recurring cycle of robbing department stores, playing a terrible department store Santa, and yearning for a better life. It just so happens that on this one job he meets a strange kid, an attractive woman who works in a bar and has a Santa Claus fetish, and in both of these people spots a potential reason for breaking the cycle.

Meanwhile Willie worms his way into some free accommodation with a kid who lives with his grandma – his father is in prison and his mother has long since passed away. The kid, played with gormless naivety by Brett Kelly, thinks Willie is the real Santa Claus and is more than happy for him to move in.

"You are extremely rotund. And ginger." — “You are extremely rotund. And ginger.”

If the fact Willie drinks and swears a lot wasn’t a clue, this is not a family friendly film. In fact it’s filled with adult themes, including but not limited to frequent scenes of sex and violence. This is most definitely in its favour as those moments, carried by Thornton’s sardonic attitude, make much more of what would otherwise be a poor film. Its success stems from its focus on some truly flawed and/or damaged characters and throwing them all together into the maelstrom that is the festive season. Almost everyone with a speaking role fits into that category, be it Willie (obviously), the kid, the girl who has the Santa fetish, the store detective (Bernie Mac) who blackmails the group when he uncovers their scheme – the list goes on.

Of course, it wouldn’t be a Christmas story without some form of redemption taking place, and that is where Willie comes into his own, helping the kid and realising there’s a way to deal with bullies and to make your own way in the world, a lesson which even an adult audience can appreciate. And that is perhaps the best thing to take away from this film: even if you’re jaded with the whole Christmas thing and couldn’t care less about much of the festive season, there are still positives to take away from it if you look hard enough.

The Muppet Christmas Carol (1992)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-25

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"Would you like to buy insurance?" — “Would you like to buy insurance?”

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s a Christmas Carol, but with Muppets and Michael Caine, innit bruv?

There are so many movie adaptations of A Christmas Carol that it might be difficult to choose one in particular that is worthy of your attention. Look no further, film fans – despite what you might think about puppet performances, The Muppet Christmas Carol should be the version of the story that you give first dibs each festive season.

The story is almost completely the same as the novel – that is, Ebenezer Scrooge is a miserly old businessman who, on Christmas Eve, is visited by three spirits who help him reflect on his past, present and future so he can avoid the fate that befell his now dead business partner Jacob Marley. Except here it’s Jacob and Robert Marley, as they are portrayed by longtime Muppet moaners Statler and Waldorf. As we journey through Scrooge’s life, the mistakes he has made and so on, we meet a number of Muppet characters as the people Scrooge has met. Kermit is Bob Cratchit, Miss Piggy Mrs Cratchit, Fozzie Bear is Scrooge’s former employer Mr Fozziewig, and the list goes on.

Not only are there all the usual fourth wall-breaking jokes that The Muppets are known for, but there are also the expected high quality of storytelling chops that the Muppet films do so well. While it is deferential to the original story there’s also plenty of time left for some heartfelt and often joyous songs dotted throughout.

The main point here is that we have Gonzo The Great acting as our omnipotent narrator Charles Dickens, accompanied by Rizzo The Rat, both of whom are occasionally visible to the people within the story but more often than not are merely non-tangible witnesses to events.

The boy couldn't help but notice that his headmaster was a blue eagle. — The boy couldn’t help but notice that his headmaster was a blue eagle.

At its centre is a towering performance from Michael Caine as Scrooge, all the more imposing as he plays it entirely straight and, quite rightly, as if the Muppets are human performers. It is this level of dedication to the role and the world, the suspension of his own disbelief, that allows the audience to also believe in this world and to not think of Kermit as a frog or Gonzo as a… whatever he actually is. They are just characters in the story, it’s irrelevant if they are live performers or puppets.

It is therefore, perhaps arguably, the best adaptation of Dickens’ festive tale to ever hit screens. This is a film with charm, joy, humour, excellent performances from all involved (yes, that does also include the Muppets) and just the right balance of chills to balance between the original text and the sensibilities of its intended young audience.

The only point of contention is if you watch the version that does not contain the song “When Love Is Gone”. This was apparently cut for pacing reasons, but then the film suffers without it as it demonstrates the emotional about-turn that Scrooge experiences. The film’s final song, “The Love We Found” is fine without the earlier song, but it’s even better with it included. Apart from this admittedly minor point it’s a joy to watch and for me a viewing has become an annual Christmas tradition.

Score: 4.5/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dhpu2tq9GG4

A Christmas Carol (2009) review

By

Simon Prior

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He'd just caught sight of himself in the mirror. — He’d just caught sight of himself in the mirror.

Twitter Plot Summary: Robert Zemeckis uses his mo-cap technique on the Charles Dickens Christmas story. Everyone still has dead eye stares.

Robert Zemeckis, he formerly of the Back To The Future parish, took several years out from live action filmmaking to focus on the world of performance captured animation. One of his many films from this period in time was an adaptation of Dickens’ A Christmas Carol. That classic tale of a man haunted by ghosts and made to repent for his sins and dedication to money by being shown elements of his past, present and potential future. The cast is led by Jim Carrey as Scrooge, with supporting turns from Colin Firth as his nephew and Gary Oldman as a tiny Bob Cratchit. Seriously, he’s got to be less than five foot tall – perhaps a commentary on how a poor lifestyle will affect your physical growth? In any case, he seems incredibly and almost unnecessarily short.

Ignoring the dead eyed stares of the characters (almost unavoidable), the animation is impressive and colourful where needed. This being an austere Victorian era the colour palette is primarily greys and blacks, with the occasional sprouting of colour as the ghosts take Scrooge on his journey of rediscovery. The ghosts are an interesting creation, the Ghost of Christmas Past is depicted as a candle for example.

This is for the most part a faithful adaptation of Dickens’ novel, with only a few changes made for cinematic and entertainment purposes. There is a sequence featuring a miniature Scrooge that, whilst moderately fun, seems to only be there to give events a slightly larger action-based slant. In hindsight it feels like an unnecessary move, but on the other hand it does separate it from other faithful adaptations of the text.

"Ye Gods! I knew I was a ghost, but nobody told me I was green!" — “Ye Gods! I knew I was a ghost, but nobody told me I was green!”

A fun twist on the usual formula is that Jim Carrey also plays the three Ghosts of Christmas – Past, Present and Future for those not in the know. It is therefore possible to say that the ghosts, in some form, either represent or are drawn from aspects of Scrooge’s subconscious. Carrey of course puts in a solid performance and his Scrooge (and by extension the three Ghosts) marks another worthy entry into his pantheon of mo-capped/heavy make-up characters alongside… well, The Grinch.

This being a ghost story, there are moments that will no doubt cause sleepless nights for younger viewers. The ghost of Marley is particularly frightening, a mass of chains and horrified glances. More scares are apparent with The Ghost of Christmas Future, all the more unerring because he/she/it never says a word. While Zemeckis doesn’t go out of his way to make it completely inaccessible to a younger audience it does lurk very close to the line and it wouldn’t take much at all to push it into an older age bracket.

If you can get past the uncanny valley feeling then Zemeckis’ A Christmas Carol is worth your time simply because it remains relatively faithful to the original text. If you’ve previously encountered issues with the mo-cap animation style (Tom Hanks in The Polar Express, Ray Winston in Beowulf) then you’d be best advised to find an alternative movie version of the story. Let’s face it, you’re not exactly stuck for choice.

Get Santa (2014)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-23

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Twitter Plot Summary: Santa Claus gets sent to prison after crashing his sleigh. It’s up to Steve and his son to free Santa and save Christmas.

When December isn’t being assaulted by Christmas shoppers and repetitive festive tunes, and when there isn’t a big blockbuster release planned (Lord of the Rings, The Hobbit et al), it is also the month when a plethora of Christmassy films hit cinemas in a bid to rake in a bit of festive cash while the going is good. Get Santa is yet another of those films, albeit one that is carried by a number of decent gags and dedicated performances from the cast. It also proves to be a resolutely British film and stands out from the crowd because of it.

Rafe Spall’s Steve has spent the last two years in prison for being the getaway driver in a failed robbery, and now having served his time he finds himself being released on 23 December. Back out in the world, he’s keen to resume his role as father to his son Tom (an engaging performance from newcomer Kit Connor), however Tom has discovered Santa Claus is in the shed (following a sleigh malfunction) and he needs both Steve and Tom’s help to rescue his reindeer, restore his sleigh to working order, and to save Christmas. No pressure there then. Unfortunately for Santa, he’s soon arrested and sent to the exact same prison that Steve has just been released from. Very convenient plotting.

Ewan Bremner mugs for all he’s worth as the police officer leading the investigation, and despite the less than serious storyline he’s almost too much to cope with. Thankfully he’s balanced out by the always reliable Jim Broadbent as Santa, and the comic timing of Rafe Spall. Kit Connor avoids the common pitfall of child actors by not being irritating and is entirely believable as the son who wants to bond with his father, yet also is intent on making sure Santa gets out of prison and can fulfil his duty.

I'm not sure he's going to catch a lift with that reindeer in tow. — I’m not sure he’s going to catch a lift with that reindeer in tow.

Moments of pure genius – in particular a brief scene where Santa is in character as Mad Jimmy Claus, or any scene with Warwick Davis as an inmate mistaken for a dwarf, or even Stephen Graham as The Barber – are balanced with other scenes that don’t hit their mark. At its core however is the father/son relationship, and it’s on this that Get Santa should ultimately be judged. Steve just wants to unite with his son and, despite the ludicrousness of the situation, is willing to go along with it even if he ends up back in prison. Despite being aimed at the children’s market there are a good few moments that, had they been structured differently, wouldn’t sit as unpleasantly as they do. The corrupt prison officer, played by Peep Show’s Super Hans (Matt King) is an essential character but is so inherently odd that he’s almost in the wrong film. If you wanted a polar opposite to Ewan Bremner’s mugging, this is your man.

So it’s pretty much as expected, a generally entertaining but ultimately fluffy and non-essential Christmas adventure that has just enough depth and humour to justify a viewing, even if you’re probably better off just watching the trailer. The performances carry it quite a substantial way, and proves to be a surprising move for a director, Christopher Smith, who is better known for making horror movies. Who’d have thought it?

Score: 3/5

A Christmas Carol: The Musical (2004)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-22

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"This... is a candlestick." — “This… is a candlestick.”

Twitter Plot Summary: It’s the old Dickens festive story told again. This time, with lots of singing and dancing.

For those of us who are somewhat cynical, you might argue that a musical edition of A Christmas Carol was already provided adequately by The Muppets in their 1992 adaptation of Charles Dickens’ festive tale of redemption.

On viewing this 2004 musical that cynicism appears to have been well founded.

This is yet another mostly faithful adaptation of the text, albeit with more songs than is absolutely necessary (but then it is a musical after all), a transition to Scrooge working at the stock exchange, and a faint whiff of “Made for TV” about the whole thing. The only real diversions from the text are deemed necessary to suit the songs, but otherwise this is almost entirely the same story you have seen over and over again.

Still, we have a veritable bounty of popular names involved. First and foremost is Kelsey Grammer as Scrooge, Jason Alexander as the ghostly Marley, and then rounded out by Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jane Krakowski and Geraldine Chaplin in supporting roles. Grammer is rather good as Scrooge, a hunched figure who has allowed his bitterness to rule every decision he makes – just try and ignore the fact he was once Frasier. When he does ultimately decide to change his ways (because that’s the whole point of the story, of course), the transformation is subtle but one that works surprisingly well due to its simplicity – and that is because he just stands up normally at the very end. Simple as that, and very effective.

Scrooge was sad to find that he was dead below the waist.

There’s also ample opportunity for Krakowski, Jess L Martin (the chap who played Tom Collins in Rent) and Chaplin to flex their acting muscles as the Ghosts of Christmas Past, Present and Future accordingly. They actually double up on their roles, also playing versions of the spirits whom Scrooge meets on the streets shortly before his night of ghostly meetings takes place. Their versions of the spirits are an interesting, if not entirely successful twist on the formula. Krakowski’s Ghost of Christmas Past is more akin to a pantomime version of Peter Pan than anything else, pole dancing on Scrooge’s bed in an ill-judged moment. Martin has a more traditional approach to Christmas Present, and it’s nice to see Ignorance and Want lurking beneath his cloak. Chaplin plays a Christmas Future who is far different to our usual expectation. Rather than hidden beneath vast robes she is instead completely visible, a pale but still resolutely mute spectre.

Some of the songs have a bit of gusto behind them but it’s one of those musicals where most of the tunes have a very familiar and repetitive edge whereby they don’t have opportunity to stand out. A couple of breakout tunes aside, it’s musicals like this that make you realise how talented the likes of Jonathan Larson (Rent), Galt MacDermot (Hair) and even Andrew Lloyd Webber are. They all jumble together into one big song in my mind – not a good sign.

It might not be a great adaptation, but it hits the appropriate marks where it needs to, and embellishes the established text where it makes sense for this interpretation. I didn’t get the same feeling from this as I have from other adaptations of the story. On the whole it felt cold and lacking in emotional depth. It’s a shame really because there are many aspects of A Christmas Carol that could work very well under better circumstances.

Score: 2/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Mc1doWd5rI

Santa Claus Conquers The Martians (1964)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-21

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"Gimme all your presents!" — “Gimme all your presents!”

Twitter Plot Summary: Santa Claus comes face to face with his mortal enemy: Martians. And laughs at children in an Operation Yewtree style.

Hats off to whoever it was that came up with the plot for this film. Combining a shlock B-Movie narrative with the festive season is such an excellent idea that it’s amazing that nobody else has made the effort to do it more recently. You could say it’s because Santa Claus Conquers The Martians got it right first time, but that would be a horrible lie. It’s so bad it’s borderline unwatchable, yet for those of us with the right mindset it somehow it manages to find just the right balance and proves to be an entirely ridiculous but thoroughly enjoyable sci-fi romp.

The Martians – a group of men dressed in green with Borg-like pipes and antennas sticking out of their heads – grow irritable at how Earth television is corrupting their young, but are impressed by the efforts of Santa Claus to provide peace and good will to all during Earth’s festive season, a concept which is totally alien (haha) to the Martian people thanks to years of conformity and a rigid, unbending society. So they decide to head over to Earth in order to kidnap Santa Claus and bring some of his skills to their own planet as they have no such person of their own to turn to. It is then up to Santa to bring joy to the Red Planet by laughing in an increasingly creepy manner in front of children and… well, not much else.

Not only is this a world in which Santa Claus exists as a real person – and gets extensive interview time on American television no less – but there also seems to be little concern about a minor Martian invasion coming to Earth. It’s at times like this you could really do with Bill Pullman’s President from Independence Day to huskily advise his chiefs to nuke the alien menace. In many ways, it would prove to be a vast improvement on the story.

"I'm not sure what is weirder. The aliens behind me, or the tiny people in front of me. Perhaps both." — “I’m not sure what is weirder. The aliens behind me, or the tiny people in front of me. Perhaps both.”

As a mid-60s B-Movie the special effects are indeed special, just not in the way intended. Not only are there some awful costumes for the Martian invaders (it seems green oversized underwear is all the rage on the Red Planet), there’s also a questionable polar bear (read: man in a suit clearly not being paid enough for this nonsense) and an obligatory Lost In Space style robot called Torg, which is blatantly a man inside a cardboard box. It’s all so totally awful you either laugh along with it or have a mental breakdown. If it’s not the effects it’s the acting, where the notion of a subtle performance is lost on almost everyone except for Santa Claus, played with surprising conviction by John Call. It proves to be the only half-competent performance overall, with everyone else resorting to childish caricatures and increasingly shaky performances.

Suffice to say, this is a film which should only be watched if you truly appreciate bad films that are so bad they are, eventually, fun to watch in an ironic Mystery Science Theater kind of way. Either that, or you watch this as an example of how not to make a film, and leave it very much at that.

Score: 1/5

Macbeth (2015)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-14

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Nobody had the heart to tell Macbeth that he hadn't lost his castle - it was right behind him all along. — Nobody had the heart to tell Macbeth that he hadn’t lost his castle – it was right behind him all along.

Twitter Plot Summary: The Scottish Play gets another big screen treatment, this time at the bloodstained hands of Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard.

I’ve long been a fan of “The Scottish Play”, ever since studying it at school when I was 12 or 13. It has all of the elements that a growing lad needs for entertainment. Violence. Drama. Intrigue. Scotland. Well, perhaps not necessarily the last one, although by all accounts it’s a lovely place on the whole. Suffice to say, I’m very much a fan of this play in particular above and beyond the majority of Shakespeare’s other works, but that may have something to do with the fact it was the first one I read in any great detail.

For anybody who has been living under a rock for the last 400 years, Macbeth is set in Scotland and in its original form is a near contemporary account of the titular Macbeth and Macduff as set out in Hollinshed’s Chronicles. It is a tale of greed, betrayal and death and one that has resonated with audiences for centuries.

Following an important battle against those rebelling against Duncan’s rule, Macbeth (Fassbender) encounters a trio of witches who promise that he will be king. Led on by this prophecy and the urgings of his ambitious wife Lady Macbeth (Cotillard) he then kills the current king, Duncan, and ascends to the throne. Then jealousy and mistrust sets in, leading to his inevitable downfall.

What all subsequent adaptations must do of course is carve their own path, to do something unique and a little different with the source material compared with other productions. What this 2015 adaptation of Shakespeare’s tale of bloodlust, power and glory has going for it are some glorious Scottish locations and the heavy, brooding atmosphere it creates alongside the already deep and intense storyline.

"SPARTA!" Wait, wrong film. — “SPARTA!”
Wait, wrong film.

If I was to level any criticism to the production, it would be down solely to my own previous encounters with the play and my expectations that were built as a result. As such, for me there was some important lines of dialogue cut that would have helped bolster Macbeth’s initial uncertainty about committing murder – although with that said, the suggestion in this production is that once the deed is done Macbeth has already made amends with his actions and commenced the slippery slope into madness. I also had some concern with Lady Macbeth’s own mental decline as I don’t believe that this was as adequately presented as perhaps it could have been. Still, the opening sequence of the Macbeths cremating their dead child is a strong prelude to the events that follow. Grief is a powerful emotion after all.

What it does have going for it, however, is some stunning cinematography and directorial choices from Adam Arkapaw and Justin Kerzel respectively, as well as standout performances from both Michael Fassbender and Marion Cotillard. I’ll forgive the fact that both of their accents never want to settle on the Scots accent they were aiming for, Cotillard in particular ending up with a distinct English accent. As far as the cinematography is concerned, slow motion moments, vast swathes of mist and a fiery conclusion all add up to something that has a very distinctive visual appeal, one that doesn’t get in the way of the story and performances but instead complements them both incredibly well.

Macbeth has a strong story and it would take a massive error of judgement on the filmmaker’s part to produce something that wasn’t engaging. Thankfully this production has all of the requisite parts that you would hope for, visually lush and backed up by actors who are fully invested in their characters.

Score: 4.5/5

Movie Soundtrack Highlights – Stuck In The Middle With You

By

Simon Prior

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2015-12-13

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Some songs have fame thrust upon them through strategic placement in films. This is certainly true of Stealer’s Wheel’s Stuck In The Middle With You, a 1973 hit for the band which was started by Baker Street writer Gerry Rafferty and Joe Egan. What started off as a parody of Bob Dylan’s music and style went on to become a huge hit for the band, but it is from its inclusion in Quentin Tarantino’s debut feature Reservoir Dogs that it received a new lease of life.

That scene – where a captive police officer has his ear cut off by Michael Madsen’s Mr Blonde, has passed into popular culture not for what the scene shows you, but from what it doesn’t. At the key moment the camera pans away so you don’t actually see anything – a very powerful piece of cinema simply because it puts the act in the audience’s imagination – something the modern crop of horror directors could learn a lot from, ironically.

But this shouldn’t stop you from enjoying the song in its own right. The band may not have had widespread success and only released three albums between 1972 and 1975, but it doesn’t stop the track from being a highlight from both a music and a movie standpoint.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DohRa9lsx0Q

The Infidel (2010) review

By

Simon Prior

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2015-11-30

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He always has to dance, doesn't he? — He always has to dance, doesn’t he?

Twitter Plot Summary: Mahmud finds that he’s adopted and is actually of Jewish descent rather than a Muslim. He has to cope with his new, conflicting identity.

They say the key ingredient to any narrative is conflict. Here, the not-very Muslim man Mahmud (Omid Djalili) is in conflict primarily with himself. But he is also in conflict with his religion, his origins and the world at large in which he lives. In quick succession he has to contend with the news that his son wants to marry the daughter of an extremist Muslim; the recent death of his Muslim mother; and the subsequent discovery that he was adopted and is in fact of Jewish origin. As he has to deal with this rather unfortunate series of events and tries to set up a meeting with his birth father, he then has to contend with his wife drawing conclusions from his suspicious behaviour. She naturally assumes he is having an affair – a point ridiculed quite succinctly by Mina Anwar’s burka-clad female best friend.

In the midst of all this he has to learn how to appear to be more Jewish. Why? In order to embrace his newfound heritage and be sufficient to meet his father. At the same time he is trying to look like a more committed Muslim in order to appease the extremist tendencies of the radical Muslim cleric (who has an assistant who is not at all based on Abu Hamza). He will potentially be a part of the extended family if all goes well between the kids. What’s a man to do in such a ludicrous situation? Probably have a mental breakdown.

There’s some good fun to be had during these conflicting religious moments, on the one hand Mahmud trying to demonstrate his knowledge of the Qu’ran, and on the other taking Jewish lessons from American Jewish taxi driver Lenny Goldberg, through which he finds himself attending a Bar Mitzvah. The abrasive odd couple relationship between Mahmud Goldberg (Richard Schiff) is a delight from start to finish and is a clear highlight of the entire production. Schiff is a dependable presence in anything, but Djalili proves to be much more than that minor actor who had a brief scene with Russell Crowe in Gladiator.

"Clearly I'm not Jewish. Clearly." — “Clearly I’m not Jewish. Clearly.”

Much less radical than its cousin Four Lions, The Infidel pokes gentle fun at both Muslims and Jews whilst making a valid point about the hypocritical nature of religious difference (and also their inherent similarities), the ease with which words and actions can be misconstrued, and having a less gentle poke at the media while the claws are out. The jokes may not strike home as often as they should, but thanks to Djalili’s dependable and, importantly, likeable lead performance, it elevates itself above what could have easily been an incitement of hatred about both religious groups rather than the message of tolerance that it actually passes on. Plus, it doesn’t hurt that it is, in essence, a classic farce given a modern sheen.

What really made me think though was the number of people who own and use VHS players and cassette tapes in this film, despite the fact they were obsolete and almost non-existent in popular culture when it was made. Retro and cool in one respect, but more concerning for a tech geek like myself than any possible religious offence The Infidel may have caused. Someone please buy these people a DVD player and let them move with the times.

Score: 3/5

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BMudF0MQgC0

Diamond Heist (2012)

By

Simon Prior

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2015-10-27

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Madsen was adept at absorbing even the smallest amount of talent from his co-stars. There wasn't much to take from Jamelia. — Madsen was adept at absorbing even the smallest amount of talent from his co-stars. There wasn’t much to take from Jamelia.

Twitter Plot Summary: I’d just not bother if I were you. Something about male strippers, gangsters and Michael Madsen’s lactose intolerance.

When you’ve cast Brummie pop singer Jamelia in your film and she isn’t the worst thing in it, that should ring all manner of alarm bells in your head. What is primarily a sub-par Magic Mike tale mixed with a bit of gangster nonsense in London, this is a production that is likely to test your appreciation of film as an art form. It really is that bad. Bear in mind that Magic Mike was released in the same year and the original title for this piece of trash was Magic Boys, it becomes clear that Diamond Heist was intended to be a UK version of the Channing Tatum/Matthew McConaughey starring vehicle, albeit without the star power and directorial ability of Tatum, McConaughey and director Steven Soderbergh respectively.

The story, such as it is, sees a couple of gormless men bear witness to a murder and have to pose as male strippers to avoid the attentions of the bad guys – the problem is, they end up even deeper in it than they expected. So to speak. There are double and triple crosses that don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s mostly an excuse to show women in an unflattering, misogynistic light, and to provide some questionably fruity men screaming at male strippers (or people pretending to be male strippers, or even actors pretending to be people pretending to be male strippers) while they are doing a bit of a dance and a jig (sadly, not an Irish jig) on stage.

"Just walk away, and there will be an end to the horror..." — “Just walk away, and there will be an end to the horror…”

Star power is provided by Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones. I use the term “star power” loosely, because Madsen sleepwalks his way through his scenes. His character initially complains about his lactose intolerance whilst trying to woo women in a cringeworthy manner, more disturbing when there is a clear thirty year age difference between him and his target. Add another film to the “Creepy Old Men” list. At least Vinnie Jones has the air of a man who knows how bad things are, but has gone into the production with the intent of having some fun. He’s far better at this than he was playing football. A small comfort, in the grand scheme of things.

As for Jamelia, she is, I’m sad to say, terrible. But then as I’ve already said, she is not the worst thing in this, not by a long distance. Uninspired direction curtails any possibility of there being any dramatic tension, and the clear attempt at more comedic elements are presented in an equally vague manner. The soundtrack is all too jolly for the most part, striking an unhappy balance between dark gangster tale and whimsical “lads on the lam” comedy.

In fact the only positive I can take away from this awful, awful film is that Tamer Hassan’s character is called Splendid Ben. It’s literally the only thing about the whole thing that is anywhere near splendid or remotely enjoyable. Give this a wide berth, you are missing literally nothing by not wasting 90 minutes of your life on it. If you do make the mistake and watch this anyway, you’ll never be happier to see a film’s end credits roll than when Diamond Heist reaches its lacklustre conclusion.

Score: 0.5/5

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