Diamond Heist (2012)

Diamond Heist (2012)

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Madsen was adept at absorbing even the smallest amount of talent from his co-stars. There wasn't much to take from Jamelia.
Madsen was adept at absorbing even the smallest amount of talent from his co-stars. There wasn’t much to take from Jamelia.

Twitter Plot Summary: I’d just not bother if I were you. Something about male strippers, gangsters and Michael Madsen’s lactose intolerance.

When you’ve cast Brummie pop singer Jamelia in your film and she isn’t the worst thing in it, that should ring all manner of alarm bells in your head. What is primarily a sub-par Magic Mike tale mixed with a bit of gangster nonsense in London, this is a production that is likely to test your appreciation of film as an art form. It really is that bad. Bear in mind that Magic Mike was released in the same year and the original title for this piece of trash was Magic Boys, it becomes clear that Diamond Heist was intended to be a UK version of the Channing Tatum/Matthew McConaughey starring vehicle, albeit without the star power and directorial ability of Tatum, McConaughey and director Steven Soderbergh respectively.

The story, such as it is, sees a couple of gormless men bear witness to a murder and have to pose as male strippers to avoid the attentions of the bad guys – the problem is, they end up even deeper in it than they expected. So to speak. There are double and triple crosses that don’t make any sense, but otherwise it’s mostly an excuse to show women in an unflattering, misogynistic light, and to provide some questionably fruity men screaming at male strippers (or people pretending to be male strippers, or even actors pretending to be people pretending to be male strippers) while they are doing a bit of a dance and a jig (sadly, not an Irish jig) on stage.

"Just walk away, and there will be an end to the horror..."
“Just walk away, and there will be an end to the horror…”

Star power is provided by Michael Madsen and Vinnie Jones. I use the term “star power” loosely, because Madsen sleepwalks his way through his scenes. His character initially complains about his lactose intolerance whilst trying to woo women in a cringeworthy manner, more disturbing when there is a clear thirty year age difference between him and his target. Add another film to the “Creepy Old Men” list. At least Vinnie Jones has the air of a man who knows how bad things are, but has gone into the production with the intent of having some fun. He’s far better at this than he was playing football. A small comfort, in the grand scheme of things.

As for Jamelia, she is, I’m sad to say, terrible. But then as I’ve already said, she is not the worst thing in this, not by a long distance. Uninspired direction curtails any possibility of there being any dramatic tension, and the clear attempt at more comedic elements are presented in an equally vague manner. The soundtrack is all too jolly for the most part, striking an unhappy balance between dark gangster tale and whimsical “lads on the lam” comedy.

In fact the only positive I can take away from this awful, awful film is that Tamer Hassan’s character is called Splendid Ben. It’s literally the only thing about the whole thing that is anywhere near splendid or remotely enjoyable. Give this a wide berth, you are missing literally nothing by not wasting 90 minutes of your life on it. If you do make the mistake and watch this anyway, you’ll never be happier to see a film’s end credits roll than when Diamond Heist reaches its lacklustre conclusion.

Score: 0.5/5

 

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